Premise

> A bunch of stuff that either qualifies or is close to a one-liner. Compiled from 35+ source files. Source wi

You can learn the intimate details about me on stage or after sex during pillow talk. Either way it's a 2 drin

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXBz6M_AaNn/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

I've been finding made in China tags on everything I own. Sometimes I get nervous that I'm just gonna find a m

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUG3hogjK7X/

My senior year of high school: I went to an all boys Jewish private school. I thought it would be a great idea

I matched with a trans woman on hinge

The townspeople like to talk about even if they haven't seen them

if I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking cigarettes, I'd smoke that cigarette

I recently found out that Doctor Strange isn’t a gynecologist.

I lost my virginity to a rabbi

I matched with a woman

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUw3BDVEXcy/

I have ADHD, but not like your regular ADHD.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUbwD6kDVlt/

I have a good relationship with my managers because I love kissing ass. Sorry-

Tonight I met this cute girl

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT5gUmPiemT/

When I was in college, a friend asked me to do his business homework for him. I felt weird like I was being ra

What if a 2 year old was sentient and asking adult questions while all the other two year olds were talking li

A deeply personal category with some of the most developed, layered material. ADHD is not just a topic but a l

Software is sometimes like comedy. You gotta clown, and then you need to think pragmatically and edit.

Is there anybody in the audience who does not like vaccines — like you're concerned about the way they're regu

I am an anxious optimist.

These women in relationships with gay guys.

These are the most developed, most promising, and most distinctive concepts across the vault. Ranked loosely b

The talk with my dad was short.

In Judaism, we don’t have the concept of a born again Jew like you have born against Christians

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXjldFQjsD1/

This is David's biggest differentiator as a comedian. He can juggle, do acrobatics, backflips, handstands, and

A friend of mine is a comic who said that I need more of an edge

if something isn't funny, can you please fake it?

So I don’t respect anybody who plays fantasy football

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUzNo2YADnr/

The "Jew from the Future" persona is one of David's most fully realized characters. The [[FUTURE megafile]] is

The rabbi, 25 years old and ready to start his life teaching faith

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTqHBQWky_j/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

Neo Nazis are interesting

It must be crazy hard to get a PhD in sexology. Just staying up all night to study sex.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV-b1JjjMta/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

This article maps the cross-cutting obsessions, structural moves, and signature patterns that appear across th

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

David's comedy persona is built around a specific kind of insecurity: not self-pity, but self-aware absurdity.

The largest thematic area by note count. David's comedy persona is earnest, horny, slightly chaotic, and deepl

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVQZgqYiXpP/

One of the hardest parts about writing a joke about having a small penis is that

CEO of snoop's smokeless stove was fired for poor sales

The place the Bible says sodomy was invented.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT_z0E3ga-6/

**Thursday and the Staten Island story**

Valentina Gomez running for Secretary of State in Missouri

Diagnosed with ADHD at 6 → Adderall prescription → basically the school drug dealer. Who bullies their drug de

I had to quit smoking weed

Growing up, I went to an all-boys Jewish private school, and for almost nine years, I was completely separated

I think I might be a prude. I can only get off in missionary

I wear a condom out spite for my father

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV3Jui7Ej4N/

My ex girlfriend told me she faked all her orgasms, but they were real to me

I wrestled in high school

Wet dreams are cool because I wake up as soon as I come.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUQhVHHj-kS/

I have a foot kink

I once got into an argument with my parents about abortion. I was 15 and heard the word a couple of times, and

I tried ghosting my AI girlfriend but I couldn't.

I can maim 2 birds with one stone

I'm really upset about this wife thing

Dating is awesome and it sucks. For women, I imagine when it rains it pours, and it's always raining. It's rai

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU42r1mDSXm/

Sometimes drivers will get mad at me for biking on the road even if I have a bike lane. I think they just don'

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 years old

I recently went to the grocery and discovered Shaq gummies.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWlHahciYuP/

As a kid I didn't want people meeting my parents because I was embarrassed by them. As an adult I love when pe

I saw a homeless person walking around with a sword

I had a threesome with my best friend

George started a boxing class and I think that's great… because he has a very punchable face

I'm such an optimist I purchased an Amazon condom subscription.

I only eat one cereal for a while. Like I only ate pops for like two years in high school.. and then I ate coo

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVvAfBHmaTK/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTxoEfcDMWt/

Whenever I see a hot person, I wanna be a better man.

Hitler had a threesome with Eva Braun and a Jewish super model who knew astrophysics and was a virgin. She was

I want to be a rabbi or a pastor just so I can have hot sex that I have to hide from god

I'm not one to kiss and tell

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU6C6l5iFih/

I don't like going to the dentist for the same reason I don't like eating on first dates

I think men would be so much healthier if we cried tears equal in volume to the amount that we cum

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

I went to Staten Island for a rim job

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 6 makes no sense — a 6-year-old with ADHD is just a regular 6-year-old. The docto

So I almost went out with this woman who was a tattoo artist

A friend of mine recently started doing comedy after a breakup. I thought: this is a great origin story!

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVdCeWVCQbr/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWDe8PeE9A4/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWik-xCD0a3/

I got hit when I was a kid

Virginity is a lot like my foreskin

I got my first handjob in a New Jersey public park baseball field dugout

I started ordering Dominos when I'm lazy and my roommate gained 5 lbs. Talk about a Domino's effect

When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror for the first time that day

Worst part about being circumcised is walking around knowing I can't undo it

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXRM7k8iFC1/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTibvfkjSdM/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVGxxjnEUYk/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXTbRdgiZ9I/

The story of how I lost my virginity is mostly exposition.

I can hear my neighbors yelling when I'm in my bathroom

So these are a bunch of dad jokes

Went 0-19 freshman year of wrestling. Dad watched me get pinned in 25 seconds. Two years later, got revenge on

I don't identify with most of the yelp reviews I see on the website

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXgqmLJICwa/

Allergic to cats. When a woman has a cat, have to decide if she's worth giving up air. This spirals into aller

There's this Jewish tradition where you put rocks on the your dead relative's headstone

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUt8MvrlNkI/

My toxic trait is that I go out with girls who have cats even though I'm super allergic.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXY1HusDhIG/

Pole dancers feel no pain. They feel nothing at all. Have you ever seen a robot themed pole act that was almos

Any Jews in here?

I like boobs as much as I liked dragons when I was 10 years old

I love the noun "nut"

If I smell I'm sorry. That's anxiety sweat. I put on deodorant, but my anxiety is stronger than the deodorant

Super

I was separated from women for 10 years.

I'm Jewish and I like Israel, but I don't think it's the only option for a homeland

My friend told me I should write about the iron dome

I'm allergic to cats, so when I meet a woman and I find out she has a cat,

I went out with someone

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVkw95Uldr1/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVao_yjjwVV/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWs9gtSEtBV/

It's crazy that being white comes with privilege. Like somewhere along the line, the narrative became somethin

I don’t trust Waymo’s

Superhero music is inspirational, that's why I switched from lofi to Hans Zimmer as sexy time music

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVp44CvAcnZ/

Aang is proof that you can backflip over your problems.

I believe in aliens but am I the only one that thinks they've ding-dong ditched us?

What do you do when you catch your friends cheating? Do you tell people you know? Believe it or not, I can kee

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVU5e_ljsr8/

I’m Jewish, but I can’t date Jewish women.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT3ych5AizC/

Have been thinking about soaking my own ass, but one of the only things that’s stopping me is that we had such

A lot of guys don't call their mom enough.

In Germany they will put you in prison if you draw a swastika. Well in second grade I drew a lot of them becau

People keep accusing me of using chatGPT to send them messages. But really I'm just very thoughtful in the way

I never know what's gonna go viral on instagram

Thank god for autocorrect or I would never be able to spell acquaintance.

My neighbor came over today and he told me he lost his turtle.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWQhpibgE6W/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVAaJPZAgyH/

I could travel back in time to see Bill Cosby while he was still on TV playing Dr. Huxtable

Parents have not seen their 5 year old in months.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWntPt5gfuh/

I'm afraid of the L train because sometimes it gets stuck with another train in front of it and I'm afraid I'm

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

At the top of the show, I'm usually very nervous and I was thinking if one of you wants to help me not be so n

Frats get a bad rep. And that's because they are kind of bad.

Heelies are how I communicate that I am both a good time and an accidental pregnancy

Hugh Hefner if he had a mustache:

I wanted to be a mechanic but when they found out I was Jewish they said no

You guys ever look at someone's butt

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVMFGffiguh/

Sometimes I see a thirst trap on social media and I can't help but think classic guy things.

So one of my favorite parts about stand-up specials is the opening.

I like talking about statistics but I'm almost positive that every time I say the word 'statistics', every one

In sixth grade my friend was talking about pornography — and he used the word "pornography" because to an 11-y

In November 2013, the Splash Lab presented "Urinal Dynamics," demonstrating with high-speed experiments that r

When I was in college I joined a frat

Loves meeting women with boyfriends. No pressure, get to practice listening, get to be a third wheel, get goss

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUdy59ZDJ8r/

I got a job in real estate accounting software

I think in order to get approved for a loan, you should show them your guest bathroom

Schindler's List only has 98% on Rotten Tomatoes

When I open my phone, I usually check the weather app or my chase bank app; either way, I'm either pleasantly

A while ago Uber added this feature where you can put your preference that you don't wanna talk to the driver.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU1mP9glRV2/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV5bBOTlC-6/

So I grew up in this somewhat Jewish family — which means I had to learn a lot about dating on the go. And on

I'm nothing like Hitler, except I also like to paint, I like hikes, and I occasionally wear my mustache for ye

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVsf7tdDSY9/

Fanart used to be easily picked out or at least hard enough to do that I only found it if I was ready to scrol

I grew up on goosebumps

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXHAMTvCAgu/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV0N_uMAKnE/

I've been staying in this house by myself

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVDCe8ilJPI/

I volunteered this Christmas at skid row on 5th & San Pedro.

Because I'm Jewish, I got a lot of friends from high school that have the last names Epstein and Weinstein.

I used to spend all day arguing with rabbis

I don't like condoms

I don't like condoms

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW0pndBjeEJ/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUMYyuVEUfa/

I get so many ads for valentines day themed things. It's kind of ridiculous that if I don't want to be sad I n

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXWNttrgoNX/

I feel like I have a lot to say about erectile dysfunction

My dad was mad when I got my first tattoo

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU8gi2giAqf/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUrgUgTjJPk/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW8hCVeEYov/

I don't get why "crowd pleaser" is a good movie review

Having ADHD is great. Even if I'm distractible, my mind works in an interesting way and brings me interesting

I'd date a comic but my penis doesn't work right now and I don't need everyone to know that

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWvwig2ijgL/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXJGwlGlLBA/

Every guy notices when a girl has nipple piercings, and I'm sure they know that men are staring at their tits

Okay, hear me out.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTfmjyGFC4Z/

Yeah the elephant in the room: I'm tall.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTl7SPJD00G/

This is one of the most developed thematic pillars in the vault. The material spans childhood, religious schoo

Every men in here has measured his penis, more than once

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVxjNyugX5L/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWTAVHeEQDO/

Men love being called the man

Hi

I'm never gonna own a house

I want to get a dog, but I don't know if it's worth the risk. Like what are the odds my dog becomes an Instagr

There are 2 types of men

a friend of a friend can't cum because of anti-depressants and to make girls feel better

Horny resume. It's a lot like filling out a resume when you're looking for a job because you NEED one. You're

Californians are everywhere which is odd considering we came out west on the 1800s.

Do you think if you tell people that you're on your way to therapy, they'll be mean to you because you're in t

I like to count my calories

I don't get ghosted.

- I have had so many STDS antibiotics don't work on me anymore

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for a long time because I have unrealistic expectations.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT8xyWjDFjW/

I think if somebody licks their fingers at the table, you gotta lick your fingers too

It's weird that people make fun of women for being sluts

ADHD doesn't go away — it's like herpes. And the comparison keeps going from there.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXbbvYzFXZz/

Are you an asker or a guesser?

I got a new smart watch

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUlL-GElXoA/

They say you should treat your body.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUYqrVRDN4l/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWdaY06DOSM/

I'm Jewish so

I think we’re all too gay for Ryan Gosling.

I've been on this AI dating app

I want to work hard so I can become the type of man who deserves to marry a woman he doesn't deserve

I have an idea for a pick up line. I'm not sure it'll work

Arguing with rabbis about God → arguing with code that won't compile. Structurally identical. Mom still doesn'

I'm interested in true crime not because I like true crime but because it seems like true crime has a monopoly

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVYDxePiaC4/

The bigger the penis the harder it is to aim

Tinder is like a wishing well for dating. I toss a compliment and a swipe like I drop a coin into a fountain.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW-79J-CE0i/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWOEI9MEmyu/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWI__hEFLcN/

Theo Vonn had Tony Robbins on his podcast

So remember when I was in yeshiva — a Rabbi told me an argument in favor of waiting until marriage: if you sle

**Sex Ed**

I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween

People have been riding this chatGPT hype in 2 ways:

My legs aren’t shaking because I’m nervous

Losing all charisma and saying you're a virgin and you wanna have sex — that's what I call a virgin hail Mary

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DULqXQXEYHt/

It's weird because a lot of people who work there went through the programs.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUVoVPCEU9x/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWVoGNPClUP/

If you ask a woman if she's faked an orgasm, the answer is probably yes

I like to compare my sex life to the career of a French language movie star.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTtYZRSgd4V/

Being raised by immigrants is hard but being raised by people raised by immigrants is pretty messed up too

I have an opinion about people's opinions on abortion.

There is a pornstar who goes by Anne Frank

The NYC ferry is amazing mostly because once a day, I get to be a pirate. Did you know that every ferry has a

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTu9txJDFAb/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUBz3j1lVv3/

I'm so insecure that if you hired a cyber security company to run a penetration test

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUi7UaFkfxz/

I've been thinking about pretending to be bisexual to get a job at a pro DEI corporation.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVnA04SFFE6/

When you learn to backflip everyone assumes you want to do it all the time. And that's frustrating.

Golden bachelor casting director reviewing the first round of candidates:

A lot of us are upset that our taxpayer dollars go to the military industrial complex but without it we wouldn

What do you guys think about the relationship between spaghetti and meatballs?

When men get together, they'd rather build a trebuchet than talk

The reverse strip tease

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXL13j4Eb1D/

Boeing employees suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWYUkZkCSpH/

Ideas for pants for Acro:

I want a doctor who takes naps

They say actions matter more than intentions, but that's the wrong point to make! You can fuck things up by do

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW3SorMFN5Q/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVibWQLClfr/

ADHD acronym:

On an AI dating app. It asks "why not?" when you swipe no — which starts to border on therapy. Ends up wanting

I hope the sex robots look like those coco delivery robots

So I'm Jewish (surprise) and I'm what my high school rabbis would call 'off the derech' — off the path.

> If you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time y

You think mohels followed their dreams?

It takes me a while to cum

Have you heard that sometimes if you're an asshole to them bartenders will spit in your drink

A lot of guys will brag about being able to make a woman come

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUTEzS9D2sC/

A digest of all new writing in the two weeks leading up to Netflix is a Joke. Organized by theme, with develop

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWLwn6_gd_U/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUgRBmdjJP2/

I have a clown friend who dated a supermodel

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUD-YVvCdMg/

Put my finger in my mouth — it's gonna seem sexual but it's really not — and explain to the crowd that I'm add

You can say you're from the future because I won't believe you — you can sleep with anybody, but you can't sle

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXD_y2DEg5K/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW50kK3gt8g/

Blackface is a thing of the past; makeup is cool and all but why would I paint a black face when I can just us

There are actually another 603

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVH4KtoDN3o/

I think we smoke weed too much but we should call it the argument solver and only use it when you fix an argum

If you see a profile on tinder for someone too good to be true, they're a bot

The perfect compliment for men:

I've been single for so long my mattress has retained its resale value

Here are some excuses to look at the girl's butt

> Auto-generated index of all bit files. Extracted from Apple Notes dated files and topic files.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWa8EAcCWLx/

Arguing with a rabbi is like a boss battle you know you're going to lose because it's kind of hard to argue a

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWf2a_wDqHc/

Because he doesn't realize that you need to build an orgasm like you renovate a house

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXeDWebjRga/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXOgtHNlKc4/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUoU8wciccS/

I feel like as a Jew, you've gotta mask your horniness in a willingness to procreate.

Portal in New York reopens but I want to see a portal from New York to LA and more portals.

From the bible:

I'm not gay but if you put Ryan Gosling in a film and play the right music, I'll seriously start questioning m

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWBELtVjdQU/

David works in health tech (MDCalc) and has watched the AI boom from inside the industry. This gives him genui

David has a strong instinct for character work, developed through clown training, improv (Groundlings), and st

Are you on the apps? I'm on the apps. I love them. Chess.com, lichess, grindr

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVR1bJnkUq4/

Pro tip for those of you who (whom?) work at an office:

Clap it up if you follow girl code or guy code

Sometimes I'll give a woman the ick and a I'll realize-

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUOGqilDZ-p/

A distinct sub-theme that sits at the intersection of relationships and technology. David has written seriousl

It's the exception to the rule: smoking weed is taking the thing you love and killing it with fire

The audience could follow me on instagram

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT0WvvED5lI/

My experience with threesomes is that one type of three way is waaaay better than the other

I've been thinking about going into the sperm industry.

**Murphy's Law**: what can go wrong will go wrong.

A significant portion of the vault (perhaps 40%+) consists of performance logistics: set maps, show runsheets,

This knowledge base was synthesized from ~2,100 Apple Notes. It maps the major themes, categories, and pattern

Age is just a number

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVfrwUGlBk3/

Great place. Teaches kids about the real world. Fun games don't win prizes. If you lose; eat some pizza. You c

I'll call my therapist crying about something

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVKvCJTDcAU/

----

If you're trying to Netflix and chill

I've heard that women have less orgasms than men

Gorilla glue then gorilla tape. What's next?

Jewish private school

Isn't it interesting that Johnny Bravo sort of modeled today's bachelor? Jacked as fuck, rizzed to the teeth,

Not that my penis is small

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWyHOrUjhaX/

Comedian who's a mohel on the side.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV8CH_CARRZ/

If you watch porn you're a cuck

The truth will not set you free

You can take a lift over to Tijuana and buy any sort of boner pill, in any quality or quantity at any pharmacy

- Hot nurse is rubbing jelly and an ultrasound wand on some balls