acorns brainstorm bits
You can learn the intimate details about me on stage or after sex during pillow talk. Either way it's a 2 drink minimum
The concept of selling feet pics really shouldn't be that foreign to an art gallery but I'm the asshole for saying they should at least charge?
Having sex retroactively makes you a cool person for your entire life. And conversely, having a dry streak, means you were always a loser
Finding out that your idol used to work at hooters as a security guard, so you respect them more because they're protecting the beautiful women
The metaphysics of a one night stand are as such: Any hoodie not accounted for has been lost to the ether
A homeless man lived in a small minivan; parks near Runyon to hike in the morning. He had to poop in a pizza box but there is no trash bin. SO he walks around with a pizza box full of shit and eventually throws it out. A homeless guy picks up the box and feels the weight. Gets excited and opens the pizza box and he realizes it's shit
I've only been in love twice: once with a woman I met during the pandemic and the other time it was with Ryan gosling in a trailer for the fall guy
I took a time lapse of this chess game I played with a girl at singles club a while ago and it was incredibly flirty until the Israel / Palestine conflict casually came up in conversation. And then it got flirtier
"Who's your favorite parent" is a violent question to ask in front of a single father
I went on a first date recently and I asked at the end of the date if I could kiss her. And we did but she ghosted me. In retrospect, it's probably because after the kiss, I said "hamana hamana. I could do that again"
—- "How to have sex on or off camera: an acting class for virgins, taught by virgins"
I don't have a serious bone in my body. Which means if we have sex, it's gonna be silly. (Strong hypothetical)
Prolonged eye contact with a stranger on the sidewalk, or as I like to call it: sidewalk sex. Because it is a super intimate moment
As an insecure man, buying hot house cucumbers at the store does not make me feel better about myself
I think the last time I felt sexist is when Apple gave me the option to make Siri a man and I did that
A friend of mine got engaged recently but when I sent him the congratulation text my phone autocorrected it to "congratulations on getting ensnared!" And I let it send because I didn't really see a difference
Those double strollers are kind of the equivalent of a double decker party bus for babies
Putting your kids on a leash is a lot like putting your ice cream in a fridge. It doesn't solve the problem; it only prolongs it
The parents who put their kids on leashes are either totally unaware of how sexual the whole leash thing will become when they grow up, or they're sick fucks
—- Kruger riff: My onlyfans would be a lot of chest hair pics and it would probably be gang busters for the gay community
Doing the vampire sneeze would be a lot easier with an actual cape
I once tried to be gay. Well I think I was successful if we're getting technical, but I suppose I decided that I was just a little more interested in a dating life full of rejection
Once a girl asked me if I ever kissed a guy and I said yes and then she got real insecure on the date and said, I'm afraid you would leave me for a man
On Wednesdays we wear pink to therapy
Boy steps on crack, breaks momma's back; becomes a civil engineer. Never again
The phone: man's best friend! No longer the job of his dog, who regretfully can't be upgraded, only put down
Passive aggressive cactus doesn't want you to feed it; it wants you to live with the irreconcilable guilt of letting a cactus die. There's no recovering from that