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344 notes001brainOne-Liners5333w
One-Liners > A bunch of stuff that either qualifies or is close to a one-liner. Compiled from 35+ source files. Source wikilinks in brackets after each joke. -…
002bitSex-Dating4837w
Sex & Dating — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I recently learned that one cause of physical erectile…
bits
003bitMisc-Absurdist4490w
Misc & Absurdist — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by An apple a day keeps the doctor away But I like to plan…
bits
004bitJewish-School3209w
Jewish School — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I love old Jewish men Because while I know they're always…
bits
005brainNew-Material-Late-April-May-20262771w
New Material: April 27 – May 10, 2026 A digest of all new writing in the two weeks leading up to Netflix is a Joke. Organized by theme, with development notes…
006bitHealth-Body2437w
Health & Body — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I recently learned that one cause of physical erectile…
bits
007bitRelationships2343w
Relationships — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I'm not on speaking terms with my dad. I even think he knows…
bits
008bitDating-Apps-Being-Single2310w
Dating Apps & Being Single — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I don't mean to brag but I have 4 unread…
bits
009bitPolitics-Culture2089w
Politics & Culture — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by The fall of the ussr was a tragedy It lasted 68 years…
bits
010jokeThe Staten Island room job1773w
Thursday and the Staten Island story Story premise: The time I went to Staten Island for a rimjob Tinder subs what kind of person has the time for…
conceptstory
011bitMeta-Comedy1375w
Meta-Comedy — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I myself made comedian I am a self-made comedian So if you…
bits
012bitCity-Life1350w
City Life — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by Riding your bike in LA versus New York it's so different. Like…
bits
013brainRecurring-Themes1136w
Recurring Themes and Patterns This article maps the cross-cutting obsessions, structural moves, and signature patterns that appear across the vault regardless…
014jokedirty talk for the homies1035w
Instagram transcript (Day 37) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU8gi2giAqf/ I like dirty talk in bed. Uh mostly because I just I need to get it all out now. Like…
longformrelationshipsloose-premise
015brainFuture-and-Sci-Fi-Bits1017w
Future and Sci-Fi Bits The "Jew from the Future" persona is one of David's most fully realized characters. The FUTURE megafile is the central document — a…
016jokelooking at a butt and having a realization1005w
You guys ever look at someone's butt And think Maybe the reason I don't have a good relationship with my father is that I didn't have enough context for what…
017brainSelf-Deprecation-and-Insecurity959w
Self-Deprecation and Insecurity David's comedy persona is built around a specific kind of insecurity: not self-pity, but self-aware absurdity. He's not whining…
018brainSex-and-Dating807w
Sex and Dating The largest thematic area by note count. David's comedy persona is earnest, horny, slightly chaotic, and deeply self-aware about the gap between…
019brainBest-Ideas795w
Best Ideas — Curated These are the most developed, most promising, and most distinctive concepts across the vault. Ranked loosely by development level and…
020brainADHD-and-Mental-Health781w
ADHD and Mental Health A deeply personal category with some of the most developed, layered material. ADHD is not just a topic but a lens — the way David moves…
021brainCircus-and-Physical-Comedy780w
Circus and Physical Comedy This is David's biggest differentiator as a comedian. He can juggle, do acrobatics, backflips, handstands, and stilts — and he's…
022brainSet-Lists-and-Show-Notes749w
Set Lists and Show Notes A significant portion of the vault (perhaps 40%+) consists of performance logistics: set maps, show runsheets, mic notes, class…
023jokeacorns brainstorm bits727w
You can learn the intimate details about me on stage or after sex during pillow talk. Either way it's a 2 drink minimum The concept of selling feet pics really…
024brainCharacters704w
Characters David has a strong instinct for character work, developed through clown training, improv (Groundlings), and stand-up. Characters appear in sketch…
025brainAI-and-Tech-Comedy688w
AI and Tech Comedy David works in health tech (MDCalc) and has watched the AI boom from inside the industry. This gives him genuine technical credibility on…
026jokeLouder sex680w
Instagram transcript (Day 5) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTqHBQWky_j/ Sometimes I wish my roommates had sex louder. Because for the first moment I kind of…
027brainJewish-Identity665w
Jewish Identity This is one of the most developed thematic pillars in the vault. The material spans childhood, religious schooling, leaving observance,…
028jokebipolar bin laden diagnosis marriage612w
I have ADHD, but not like your regular ADHD. I have the type of ADHD that's also bipolar 2. Bipolar 2 is the good one I know it's the good one because it's not…
029bitPhysical-Comedy-Circus587w
Physical Comedy & Circus — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by So a lot of my friends have been very supportive…
bits
030bitINDEX559w
Bits Index — Claude Brain > Auto-generated index of all bit files. Extracted from Apple Notes dated files and topic files. > Last updated: 2026-04-04…
index
031brainDating-Apps-and-Tech488w
Dating Apps and Tech Comedy A distinct sub-theme that sits at the intersection of relationships and technology. David has written seriously about building a…
032jokeSpiders468w
Instagram transcript (Day 13) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT_z0E3ga-6/ I'm afraid of spiders. Uh because because I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill again.…
033jokeAI dating app is therapy466w
I've been on this AI dating app It's kind of sad but not any sadder than regular dating apps One interesting thing is that it actually asks me questions about…
034jokechasidish gloryhole465w
Instagram transcript (Day 9) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT0WvvED5lI/ This crazy rumor that religious Jews we have sex through a hole in the sheep. That's…
035jokesex dreams accountant448w
Instagram transcript (Day 39) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVDCe8ilJPI/ I've been having a lot of sex in my dreams. It's not all that's cracked up to be…
036jokeBetter man424w
Whenever I see a hot person, I wanna be a better man. But whether or not that’s a man or a woman I’m willing to do to be that better man. If I see tall,…
health
037jokeWhy I can't get hard395w
I went out with someone And I couldn't rise to the occasion - not a very original way to say it. Perhaps I should find one though. "sorry me-love. little me…
038jokeBike vasectomy363w
Instagram transcript (Day 48) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVao_yjjwVV/ Been riding my bike a lot since I got back to California like 50 miles in the last…
conceptbicycle
039brainINDEX349w
Claude Brain — Master Index This knowledge base was synthesized from ~2,100 Apple Notes. It maps the major themes, categories, and patterns across David…
040jokeAI vs making babies324w
People have been riding this chatGPT hype in 2 ways: - it's gonna replace us all! - Lol it's so stupid But when we're calling it stupid, we're pretty much…
041jokechess dating apps elo rating312w
Are you on the apps? I'm on the apps. I love them. Chess.com, lichess, grindr I'm not gay, I'm just afraid of women At least on chess.com, I can improve my elo…
042jokedating waiting until marriage to get pegged310w
So I grew up in this somewhat Jewish family — which means I had to learn a lot about dating on the go. And on my own. Now I've learned enough at this point…
043jokesex ed and pornhub305w
Sex Ed I educated myself about sex [HTTPS://www.Pornhub.com/sex](HTTPS://www.Pornhub.com/sex%20) Fun fact: if you misspell that link, you find a not found…
044jokelapped by divorced friends mario kart303w
Instagram transcript (Day 25) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUdy59ZDJ8r/ I have friends that have gotten married and divorced already. And it feels like I…
045jokeThe future of erectile dysfunction jokes301w
I feel like I have a lot to say about erectile dysfunction Because I’m a man and I like talking about things I don’t know anything about I’ve heard it’s…
046jokedating a tattoo artist300w
So I almost went out with this woman who was a tattoo artist And by almost I mean, it never happened Yeah, I’m happy that I didn’t because I think I…
047jokeVirgin Joseph299w
Instagram transcript (Day 87) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXBz6M_AaNn/ I don't like the virgin Mary though. I think it's widely inappropriate. That's none…
048jokewaymo ghosts284w
I don’t trust Waymo’s They say it’s self driving because of science But I don’t buy it I think It’s ghosts I think they’re forcing people to take defensive…
049joketried being gay all boys jewish school280w
Instagram transcript (Day 32) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUw3BDVEXcy/ Something that's really important to know about me at the age of twenty-two. Not so…
050jokeswimming running shark hot hinge279w
Instagram transcript (Day 95) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXWNttrgoNX/ I've been working out a lot recently and I don't need to blag so consider this…
051jokeFemale Run Club273w
Instagram transcript (Day 6) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTtYZRSgd4V/ Um I think as a man you should avoid going to a female run club. Especially if you're…
something-special
052joketaking a bullet265w
Instagram transcript (Day 22) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUVoVPCEU9x/ Would take a bullet for somebody else. Thanks, Bob. Appreciate you. But I wouldn't…
053jokeStand up openings264w
So one of my favorite parts about stand-up specials is the opening. Which always seems to be like some sort of interesting reflection about the comedian and…
roughsomething-special
054jokegirl code vs guy code military recon261w
Clap it up if you follow girl code or guy code Or non-binary code Or binary code… 01010001 Girl code, in a nutshell, is protect your girlies "She means…
055jokecompetitive baby breakdancing league240w
Okay, hear me out. Competitive baby break dancing league. Or BBL for short. I saw a video of this two-year-old, still wearing diapers, doing some of the best…
056jokejuggling murphys law act237w
Murphy's Law: what can go wrong will go wrong. The game: Murphy's law. It's a 5-10 minute juggling comedy act where everything that can go wrong will go wrong.…
057jokeADHD side quests main quests229w
Having ADHD is great. Even if I'm distractible, my mind works in an interesting way and brings me interesting places. I have ADD. I like comic books & computer…
058jokecologne airport pickup226w
Instagram transcript (Day 47) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVYDxePiaC4/ I have been seeing a lot of these ads for cologne recently uh for men. And cologne…
059jokefantasy football vs dungeons and dragons224w
So I don’t respect anybody who plays fantasy football Hell, I barely respect people who play football Yeah, you work really hard on your body and you…
060jokeBoeing suicide rates stock rally222w
Boeing employees suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max. BA stock rallies in the face of what analysts are calling "the greatest workforce reduction since…
061jokeheelies good time accidental pregnancy221w
Heelies are how I communicate that I am both a good time and an accidental pregnancy Heelys are a product of capitalism. The duality of capitalism can be shown…
062joke1% better214w
#premise > If you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you're done - James clear They say it…
religion
063jokedeserving a woman I don't deserve207w
Instagram transcript (Day 96) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXY1HusDhIG/ Started dating again recently and I started working on myself because I want to be…
064jokeflorida jewish homeland miami beach206w
I'm Jewish and I like Israel, but I don't think it's the only option for a homeland Everyone knows the real homeland of the Jews is Miami Beach I'm Jewish and…
065jokeinsecure man penetration test cybersecurity203w
I'm so insecure that if you hired a cyber security company to run a penetration test They wouldn't even do any tech stuff. They would just bring a strap on and…
066jokewinter fight new york catch these mittens choked out wearing scarf200w
Instagram transcript (Day 15) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUD-YVvCdMg/ Afraid to get in a fight during the winter. Cuz I'm afraid I'm just going to keep the…
067jokedmt god calling women lsd hike195w
Instagram transcript (Day 75) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWf2a_wDqHc/ I've been thinking about doing no to deal with some personal issues but I'm afraid of…
068jokeADHD diagnosed at 6 bullied drug dealer194w
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 years old And that doesn't make sense to me Because You know what a 6 year old with ADHD is like? A regular 6 year old! My…
069jokepimple date left side190w
Instagram transcript (Day 34) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU1mP9glRV2/ Clap it up if you want me to eat ** tonight on this date. I have this huge pimple and…
070joketrue crime monopoly on women serial killer dear diary189w
I'm interested in true crime not because I like true crime but because it seems like true crime has a monopoly on the entire female sex. And I figured I'd take…
071jokeAcro yoga pants bit187w
Ideas for pants for Acro: Normally, you see people who do acro in yoga pants and a tank top I think instead of yoga pants, we should have acro pants Pants made…
072jokechristmas making it about Jesus birthday183w
I volunteered this Christmas at skid row on 5th & San Pedro. I was having a great time until this priest gave me a cute little card saying god loves me along…
073jokecondom subscription amazon optimist183w
I'm such an optimist I purchased an Amazon condom subscription. Did you know you could do that? I was checking out on Amazon with a 36 pack. I was feeling…
074jokeborn again jews181w
In Judaism, we don’t have the concept of a born again Jew like you have born against Christians We you know, I forget the word, but we say that they came back…
075jokepublic restroom pee aim180w
The bigger the penis the harder it is to aim Maybe that's why toilet seats in Public restrooms are always covered in pee I aim with hyper accuracy —- I don't…
076jokestatistics small penis prediction nerd177w
I like talking about statistics but I'm almost positive that every time I say the word 'statistics', every one in the room immediately clenches. I feel like…
077jokecouch corner bit men come from anything friction175w
A lot of guys will brag about being able to make a woman come That's stupid She could do the same thing with the corner of the couch there are women who will…
078jokeabortion argument with dad at 15173w
I once got into an argument with my parents about abortion. I was 15 and heard the word a couple of times, and I did my research. The research of a 15 year…
079jokeanime one piece long manga173w
#concept #undeveloped I saw a homeless person walking around with a sword Like I was on the street and I just saw him carrying a sword like he was an Edo…
080jokechoked autoerotic israel palestine pickup170w
Instagram transcript (Day 54) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVp44CvAcnZ/ That's how you can't when you grow up you learn things about yourself. I learned I…
081jokeepstein weinstein name change jewish170w
Because I'm Jewish, I got a lot of friends from high school that have the last names Epstein and Weinstein. You know, Jews changed their names when we came to…
082jokeboobs vs dragons treasure169w
I like boobs as much as I liked dragons when I was 10 years old And I think the only difference between dragons and boobs Is that dragons guard treasure And…
083jokemarried to an idea168w
Instagram transcript (Day 8) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTxoEfcDMWt/ I got married this year. Yeah yeah I got married to an idea. That idea that that idea…
084jokeRyan gosling & ana de armas167w
There are 2 types of men Men who appreciate ryan gosling and ryan gosling scratch that: 1 kind of man -- I’m not gay but if you put Ryan gosling in a film and…
conceptsex
085joketemptations of the flesh167w
From the bible: > [New International Version](https://biblehub.com/niv/galatians/5.htm) For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit…
086joketie a knot climbers shibari166w
Instagram transcript (Day 79) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWs9gtSEtBV/ Somebody once said a lot of people know how to tie a knot but not a lot of people…
087jokehorny resume dating vs job hunting163w
Horny resume. It's a lot like filling out a resume when you're looking for a job because you NEED one. You're willing to say all sorts of things to get that…
088jokehugging tall men163w
Instagram transcript (Day 85) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW8hCVeEYov/ Hugs are good for men. I think I could use more hugs. I got one condition. I would…
089jokebirds and bees talk dad respect women dominatrix162w
The talk with my dad was short. "Respect women." No clues about what to do when they want to be disrespected. No mention of self-respect, or how to put on a…
090jokeallergic cats exposure therapy156w
Instagram transcript (Day 74) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWdaY06DOSM/ I'm allergic to cats and I don't want to be and I've heard that the way some people…
091joke2 year old toddlers talking about god155w
What if a 2 year old was sentient and asking adult questions while all the other two year olds were talking like one Where? At nursery. When? During nap time.…
092jokeabortion republican fan fiction loose cannon detective murder154w
I have an opinion about people's opinions on abortion. I think it's weird that republicans try to spin it as murder, like that word doesn't have an incredibly…
093jokeasking vs guessing asker guesser154w
Are you an asker or a guesser? The way it was explained to me is that people who guess, won't ask if they think the answer is no. And that leads to a lot of…
094jokefaking your death154w
Have been thinking about soaking my own ass, but one of the only things that’s stopping me is that we had such a very amazing thing to do to your loved ones…
095jokesilly putty magnetic magneto154w
Instagram transcript (Day 44) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVQZgqYiXpP/ Learned recently that you're not supposed to eat Silly Putty. I I by recently I mean…
096joketattoos vs circumcisions152w
My dad was mad when I got my first tattoo and that's not fair because he had me circumcised I would much rather my son come home with a tattoo than come home…
097jokeAI blackface redneck AI151w
Blackface is a thing of the past; makeup is cool and all but why would I paint a black face when I can just use AI to give myself a black face on the internet?…
098jokedad jokes dad forced business loan151w
So these are a bunch of dad jokes I haven't spoken to my dad in two years (do you wanna hear a dad joke?) He forged my signature on $100,000 business loan Kind…
099jokecrowd work reject myself before anyone else can147w
At the top of the show, I'm usually very nervous and I was thinking if one of you wants to help me not be so nervous you can come out and kiss me No, no takers…
100jokeneo nazis new and improved146w
#concept #undeveloped Neo Nazis are interesting Like usually new means new and improved But not neo Nazis. It's crazy how they managed to be worse than Nazis.…
101joketreating your body like a temple146w
They say you should treat your body. That's why I have incorporated as a 501c3 non-profit and I refuse to pay my taxes (for legal purposes, this is a joke. I…
102jokeall penises created equal144w
Instagram transcript (Day 21) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUTEzS9D2sC/ Think all penises are created equal. All penises are literally the same. It doesn't…
103jokearguing with rabbis boss battle144w
Arguing with a rabbi is like a boss battle you know you're going to lose because it's kind of hard to argue a case along the premise of one religion is the…
104jokejump puddle skipping basketball143w
Instagram transcript (Day 40) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVGxxjnEUYk/ Today I had to jump over a puddle and there was someone walking by and I'm pretty…
105jokefrats and trump142w
#concept #undeveloped Frats get a bad rep. And that's because they are kind of bad. Its one of those stereotypes that is correct Sometimes you'll hear about a…
106jokeformer virgin bad at sex renovation141w
Because he doesn't realize that you need to build an orgasm like you renovate a house First you gotta know where you're going. What's an orgasm look like?…
107jokeAI clown in my computer140w
Software is sometimes like comedy. You gotta clown, and then you need to think pragmatically and edit. AI coding tools like Microsoft co-pilot, essentially,…
108jokeanal beads schrodingers138w
Instagram transcript (Day 56) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVvAfBHmaTK/ Weird no I don't know I think anal beads have ruined regular beads for me I moved…
109jokewomen with cats zyrtec allergic138w
My toxic trait is that I go out with girls who have cats even though I'm super allergic. I'll say shit like "you take my breath away" when really it's just the…
110jokedick calculus137w
Every men in here has measured his penis, more than once We’ve all been there Take a tape measure, or a ruler, or if all else fails, we take our iPhone and use…
111jokecompliments for men call him the man136w
The perfect compliment for men: Call him "the man" Men love being called the man You've got a friend who needs a pick me up? Call that man "the man", you won't…
112jokefaking orgasms as a man135w
a friend of a friend can't cum because of anti-depressants and to make girls feel better He tells them he learned how to cum without ejaculating Something…
113jokephotographic memory135w
Instagram transcript (Day 62) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV-b1JjjMta/ Hey Kobe can I tell you a joke? Yeah. So there are people who get really mad when a…
one-liner
114jokedisney channel netflix and chill134w
If you're trying to Netflix and chill Don't watch Sleeping Beauty Because she might fall asleep And you don't wanna get any ideas —- Don't watch Sleeping…
115jokehair loss finasteride ED133w
Instagram transcript (Day 23) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUYqrVRDN4l/ Hair thinning. I don't know if you guys could tell. And I need my hair. It it's I'm…
116jokethreesomes physics 2 to 1 ratio nothing to do with orgasms133w
My experience with threesomes is that one type of three way is waaaay better than the other And I'm talking about a threesome with 2:1 ratio men to women 2:1…
117jokeanti-vax vaccine for autism130w
Is there anybody in the audience who does not like vaccines — like you're concerned about the way they're regulated and you suspect that maybe they have…
118jokebathroom guest soap loan approval130w
I think in order to get approved for a loan, you should show them your guest bathroom Forget a credit score, bank statement Just show them the Kiehl's soap you…
119jokegoing down on the street130w
Instagram transcript (Day 10) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT3ych5AizC/ I was going down on the street the other day and I was wearing a dental jam. Cuz you…
120jokeman faking orgasm greatest magic trick128w
If you ask a woman if she's faked an orgasm, the answer is probably yes If you ask a guy if he's faked an orgasm, the answer is maybe Because somewhere out…
121jokeryan gosling is responsible for our sins128w
I think we’re all too gay for Ryan Gosling. I think we’ve started to make him uncomfortable “all these people are going to hell because of me” I've never been…
122jokePhD in sexology126w
It must be crazy hard to get a PhD in sexology. Just staying up all night to study sex. Look through your notes and it's just diagrams and diagrams of penis…
123jokeborscht belt wife ring height124w
I'm really upset about this wife thing And the thing is I have no wife! — Dating is tough. Meeting the right person for you takes time and you've gotta meet…
124jokedad hit me stopped yelling fetish124w
I got hit when I was a kid But my dad stopped Dammit They say all good things come to an end. When he stopped he put up this magnet on the fridge that said, "I…
125jokeone liner file shaq gummies happy ending noodles124w
I recently went to the grocery and discovered Shaq gummies. Now just like so many women in the 80s you too could have a little bit of Shaq in your mouth I read…
126jokefriend zone quicksand123w
Instagram transcript (Day 33) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUzNo2YADnr/ I think the friend zone is like quick sand. Everyone thinks they know how to get out…
127jokemen women dating raining men drought123w
Dating is awesome and it sucks. For women, I imagine when it rains it pours, and it's always raining. It's raining men but half of them are dicks, y'all need…
128jokebreak from dating cockroach122w
Instagram transcript (Day 86) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW-79J-CE0i/ I've been taking a break from dating about five minutes It's not cuz like you…
129jokecouldnt rise to occasion middle east122w
Instagram transcript (Day 77) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWlHahciYuP/ I couldn't rise to the occasion. Not a very original way to put it. And she said it's…
130jokeirs audit vape earrings gum122w
Instagram transcript (Day 66) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWI__hEFLcN/ I can't get audited. It just wouldn't make sense to be IRS. They're going to be like…
131jokeis my chest hair pubes?121w
Instagram transcript (Day 52) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVkw95Uldr1/ I'm pretty self conscious about my chest hair. I mean, how could I not be? I'm…
132jokeEucalyptus119w
Instagram transcript (Day 3) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTl7SPJD00G/ I like eucalyptus everything. Uh I got eucalyptus shampoo, eucalyptus soap, eucalyptus…
concept
133jokedating black women penis too small fear118w
#concept #undeveloped A friend of mine is a comic who said that I need more of an edge I think this was his way of saying that I'm a shitty comic But one of…
134jokecomedian origin story batman joker117w
A friend of mine recently started doing comedy after a breakup. I thought: this is a great origin story! My origin story is that my aunt and uncle were…
135jokekiss and tell anime share tv shows117w
I'm not one to kiss and tell Unless all we did is kiss Cause that's sweet! All we did is kiss: we had a rom com moment but if we had sex, either: We made love…
136jokegeorge punchable face sister has onlyfans russian orthodox rasputin116w
George started a boxing class and I think that's great… because he has a very punchable face It's nice to find out George's sister has an onlyfans. Because if…
137jokesperm market dating market height requirement116w
I've been thinking about going into the sperm industry. The sperm market looks a lot like the dating market. No not that part of dating. Apparently, it's hard…
138jokeADHD multitasker not good at it115w
ADHD acronym: Always Down Has Drugs Having ADHD is weird because you get distracted easily Having ADHD is paradoxical because you get distracted easily unless…
139jokeaddicted to carrots crowd bit115w
#concept #undeveloped Put my finger in my mouth — it's gonna seem sexual but it's really not — and explain to the crowd that I'm addicted to carrots and I've…
140jokefoot kink feet coming to terms114w
I have a foot kink And I was afraid of telling people about it So instead I'd just lock my neck and never look down —- Then I came to terms with it When a…
141jokepapa johns pizza bong grip114w
Instagram transcript (Day 76) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWik-xCD0a3/ I don't smoke weed anymore but this weekend I ordered and ate an entire Papa John's…
142jokesquirrels hiding nuts nut thieves114w
I love the noun "nut" I also love the verb "nut" —- Squirrels hide nuts to prepare for winter So when they run out of food they can grab some from the nut…
143jokebreakdancers L train condom110w
I'm afraid of the L train because sometimes it gets stuck with another train in front of it and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck watching breakdancers for a…
144jokenyc ferry pirate ship captain pension107w
The NYC ferry is amazing mostly because once a day, I get to be a pirate. Did you know that every ferry has a ship captain? Most are pretty New York City —…
145jokeear piercings matched tinder teeth earrings crafts106w
I matched with a woman And we were talking about earrings, she said that the weirdest gift she had ever received was earrings made out of teeth So I threw my…
146joketinder scams bots sex factor attractive enough to be scammed105w
If you see a profile on tinder for someone too good to be true, they're a bot Like a Netflix show made to feed the trends in data they've noticed, except when…
147jokePolyamorous Cowboy104w
Instagram transcript (Day 7) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTu9txJDFAb/ This is my impression of a modern polyamoris millennial cowboy. Had it partners.…
148jokeall boys jewish school scared missing out too much104w
Growing up, I went to an all-boys Jewish private school, and for almost nine years, I was completely separated from girls. By the time I graduated, I was…
149joketime traveler age of consent104w
Instagram transcript (Day 41) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVH4KtoDN3o/ Think like to a time traveler to someone from the future we're all pedophiles. Like…
150jokewomen with boyfriends separated 10 years simp microdosing marriage104w
I was separated from women for 10 years. So I love when I meet a woman period. A lot of men would say I'm a simp, and they're right. I am a total simp. Did you…
151jokeanne frank pornstar name102w
There is a pornstar who goes by Anne Frank Relish in that observation you just made. Rule 34 sometimes crosses the line. It turns out Marge Simpson getting…
152jokeoff the derech masturbation heathen101w
So I'm Jewish (surprise) and I'm what my high school rabbis would call 'off the derech' — off the path. See we learned a lot about what it meant to be a good…
153jokepassive aggressive choked autoerotic101w
Instagram transcript (Day 43) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVMFGffiguh/ I'm a passive disguise. You guys know what that is? No uh it means I I don't like…
154jokesnoop smokeless stove CEO fired genie wishes101w
CEO of snoop's smokeless stove was fired for poor sales Remember when snoop said he was quitting the smoke? And it turns out it was a marketing stunt for a…
155jokeyeshiva vs software engineering arguing rabbis arguing with code101w
I used to spend all day arguing with rabbis "Do you agree with me on this god thing?" "I don't know!" I'm a software engineer so these days I spend all day…
156jokemasturbate instead write a joke instagram viral99w
I never know what's gonna go viral on instagram And viral for me is 200 likes but still Sometimes I'll share a joke I really like and it'll get 6 likes And…
157jokedoctor naps sleep deprived drunk98w
I want a doctor who takes naps They say if you're sleep deprived, it's like being drunk. Listen, I either want a drunk doctor who's funny or a doctor who's…
158jokeschindlers list rotten tomatoes98w
Schindler's List only has 98% on Rotten Tomatoes How many critics decided that it was a good movie but not good enough? on imdb it has a 9.0 and that's…
concept
159jokeantidepressants cant climax mastered art97w
Instagram transcript (Day 73) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWa8EAcCWLx/ A friend of a friend has been having trouble climaxing with women. It's an…
160jokeHitler likes to paint hikes mustache95w
I'm nothing like Hitler, except I also like to paint, I like hikes, and I occasionally wear my mustache for years at a time. I'm not comparing myself to Hitler…
161jokebeards gay women trim95w
These women in relationships with gay guys. I never understood why we call them beards. It just doesn't really make sense to me. Because what if she has a…
162jokesex when older deathbed94w
Instagram transcript (Day 46) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVU5e_ljsr8/ If you guys feel the same way but I want to have sex when I'm older. I want to have…
163jokerabbi waiting until marriage sexual liberator captor93w
So remember when I was in yeshiva — a Rabbi told me an argument in favor of waiting until marriage: if you sleep around before marriage, then you get married,…
164jokewhat can audience do for me follow bubbi not a doctor93w
The audience could follow me on instagram The audience can tell my bubbi it's okay that I'm not a doctor The audience can fall madly in love with me, until one…
165jokebody count92w
I have an idea for a pick up line. I'm not sure it'll work Hey you I've slept with 99 women and my 100th woman, she gonna be my last Will you be my 100th? See…
166jokecircumcision baby wine blacked out92w
Instagram transcript (Day 91) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXL13j4Eb1D/ Circumcision it happens like pretty early in the morning and it's like a whole party…
167jokegirlfriend if i was a worm92w
Instagram transcript (Day 69) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWQhpibgE6W/ Girls have this hypothetical question they ask their boyfriends. I think it goes…
168jokesmoking weed killing what you love with fire92w
It's the exception to the rule: smoking weed is taking the thing you love and killing it with fire Even with edibles, you need to put it in an oven first and…
169jokewrestling high school 0-19 dad drove 49 minutes watched 25 seconds92w
I wrestled in high school My freshman year I went 0-19. My dad came to one match and saw me get pinned in 25 seconds And he was so disappointed. He said: "I…
170jokemasculine urges epstein files91w
Instagram transcript (Day 27) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUi7UaFkfxz/ I've got a lot of masculine urges and I've been trying to resist the masculine urge…
171joketim the time machine salesman rolex george bush91w
Hi I'm Tim. I'm a Time Machine salesman. I sell time machines to whoever needs them, WHENEVER they need them. I only sell things I believe in, and I BELIEVE in…
172joketinder wishing well coin fountain love of your life91w
Tinder is like a wishing well for dating. I toss a compliment and a swipe like I drop a coin into a fountain. But I have a wish when I do both. But it's…
173jokespaghetti and meatballs power dynamic solo career90w
What do you guys think about the relationship between spaghetti and meatballs? Who do you think has more power in that dynamic? Pretty sure it's spaghetti,…
174jokefinding out she has boyfriend talking about anal88w
Tonight I met this cute girl She had a boyfriend I found out because we were talking about anal She said, I put my finger in my boyfriend's ass and I could…
175jokechatgpt accused of using it87w
#concept #undeveloped People keep accusing me of using chatGPT to send them messages. But really I'm just very thoughtful in the way I respond to things. - I…
176jokespooky house cant be homeowner without partner check perimeter87w
I've been staying in this house by myself And I realized I cannot be a homeowner Not until I have a partner I get why people wait until they're married to buy…
177jokeN word pass86w
Instagram transcript (Day 36) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU6C6l5iFih/ I believe in the N word pass. Like every time my homie says you can say it. I'm like…
178jokewomen cancel dates socks christmas86w
Instagram transcript (Day 90) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXJGwlGlLBA/ Try to write a joke every morning before I got out of bed and it takes me a really…
179jokeFaking orgasms85w
My ex girlfriend told me she faked all her orgasms, but they were real to me Was she good at faking them Or did I just want to believe? I really did believe…
relationshipssex
180jokeHitler threesome Eva Braun Jewish astrophysicist85w
Hitler had a threesome with Eva Braun and a Jewish super model who knew astrophysics and was a virgin. She was like Fran Drescher meets Einstein. And it was so…
181jokelast name mendelovits translates jewish85w
Instagram transcript (Day 53) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVnA04SFFE6/ Last name is Mendellovic and I don't know if you guys knew this but Jewish last names…
182jokeDentist blow job84w
Instagram transcript (Day 70) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWTAVHeEQDO/ This is my impression of a dentist getting a blow Not enough teeth. This is my…
183jokebig spoon little spoon spork84w
Instagram transcript (Day 78) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWntPt5gfuh/ I don't want to be big spoon. I don't want to be little spoon. I don't want to like…
184jokemother in law in law83w
I’m Jewish, but I can’t date Jewish women. A lot of Jewish people their parents are lawyers A lot of Jewish people their parents are Jewish and the Jewish…
185joketears and cum crying equal volume healthier men83w
I think men would be so much healthier if we cried tears equal in volume to the amount that we cum Crying is a proper emotional release. I feel better after I…
186jokeweather app vs chase bank pleasantly surprised disappointed83w
When I open my phone, I usually check the weather app or my chase bank app; either way, I'm either pleasantly surprised or incredibly disappointed. And that's…
187jokeghosted dont believe in ghosts82w
I don't get ghosted. I don't believe in ghosts. I believe in women who just don't want to talk to me anymore. That's a much easier sale than believing in God…
188jokeChest hair81w
Instagram transcript (Day 55) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVsf7tdDSY9/ I feel like I wear this shirt to distract you from all the chest hair but it doesn't…
189jokecradle of civilization white people wish they were black81w
It's crazy that being white comes with privilege. Like somewhere along the line, the narrative became something like: "most people are white" But the cradle of…
190jokejewish circumcised run with scissors81w
Instagram transcript (Day 72) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWYUkZkCSpH/ I'm Jewish. Do you guys hate me? That's cool. She gave me the right answer. Everyone…
191jokenano penis micro80w
Instagram transcript (Day 12) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT8xyWjDFjW/ I think we we need to help out guys with microphoneises. We need something to make…
192jokesafe sex mattress floor monster80w
Instagram transcript (Day 19) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUOGqilDZ-p/ I'm a big fan of practicing safe sex. Um by that I mean like to have sex on a…
193jokeurinal splash cake problem scientists protractor ruler79w
In November 2013, the Splash Lab presented "Urinal Dynamics," demonstrating with high-speed experiments that reducing the impact angle, aiming at a vertical…
194jokewine tour frat girl said yes for wine pregamed on the bus79w
When I was in college I joined a frat We had a wine tour this one year. If you don't know what that is, the group rents a bus, we each bring a date, and we…
195jokeOrgy rsvp78w
Instagram transcript (Day 59) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV3Jui7Ej4N/ Can I tell you guys a joke? I got invited to an ORG uh but they wanted me to RSVP so…
one-liner
196jokeReal estate78w
I got a job in real estate accounting software And more recently I took a second job In real estate insurance it's the perfect skillset to commit real estate…
197jokecircus pole dancers feel no pain78w
#concept #undeveloped Pole dancers feel no pain. They feel nothing at all. Have you ever seen a robot themed pole act that was almost TOO convincing? (I'm just…
198jokecomparison thief of joy babies flamethrower77w
Instagram transcript (Day 71) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWVoGNPClUP/ Comparison is the thief of joy unless you're a comedian and comparison is kind of a…
199jokefriends juggling act77w
Instagram transcript (Day 51) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVibWQLClfr/ So my friends have been incredibly supportive of me doing comedy. Um uh but a friend…
200jokesunset with homies masculine76w
Instagram transcript (Day 45) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVR1bJnkUq4/ Anybody else have the masculine urge to watch the sunset with their homies? That's…
201jokeGiving women the ick and wanting it back75w
Sometimes I'll give a woman the ick and a I'll realize- and a moment will pass and I'll be like "no wait give it back" You can't have that. My great…
202jokevalentines day big chocolate apathetic to avoid sadness75w
I get so many ads for valentines day themed things. It's kind of ridiculous that if I don't want to be sad I need to be increasingly apathetic. If I try to be…
203jokeneighbors yelling singing cleaning butthole74w
I can hear my neighbors yelling when I'm in my bathroom And I think if I can hear them yelling from my bathroom Then they can hear me singing And honestly, I…
204jokewomen being called sluts unfair vs men74w
#concept #undeveloped It's weird that people make fun of women for being sluts That just means they are really good at making men happy. We should be more…
205jokecaffeine talk to people73w
Instagram transcript (Day 100) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXjldFQjsD1/ People are addicted to caffeine. And they won't be able to start their days without…
206jokejewish private school space rabbi imam priest alien73w
#concept #undeveloped The rabbi, 25 years old and ready to start his life teaching faith The imam, in his early 40s. Faith is everything he holds valuable in…
207joketimeshare polyamorous73w
Instagram transcript (Day 18) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUMYyuVEUfa/ I was considering going out with this woman who sells timeshares for a living and it…
208jokeweight loss hot in morning thirst traps before breakfast72w
When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror for the first time that day I think "DAMN. I look good— When I haven't eaten for 10 hours" Morning time?…
209jokeai sixth finger crimes71w
Instagram transcript (Day 68) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWOEI9MEmyu/ Pro tip. You can use AI to get away with crimes. What I've done is I've given myself…
210jokeanxious optimist oversized tshirt71w
I am an anxious optimist. I'm always worried, always anxious that something good is going to happen It's terrible I'm dressed like this but what if I meet the…
211jokebackflip everyone wants you to do it71w
#concept #undeveloped When you learn to backflip everyone assumes you want to do it all the time. And that's frustrating. That's like saying you want me to…
212jokecheating facebook post vague subtweet71w
#concept #undeveloped What do you do when you catch your friends cheating? Do you tell people you know? Believe it or not, I can keep a secret. But I wasn't…
213jokemen vs women trebuchet nuclear bomb70w
When men get together, they'd rather build a trebuchet than talk Women talk — Men are bad at talking. You get men together and they just distract themselves…
214jokestilts tall jokes structurally unstable70w
Yeah the elephant in the room: I'm tall. A lot of people like to ask me if I play pro ball I still can't dunk The weather up here? Windy. I love being tall.…
215jokeHugh Hefner mustache playboy duplex69w
Hugh Hefner if he had a mustache: It never became the Playboy Mansion. It's actually just a Playboy Duplex "Wanna go to a party at the Playboy Duplex?" "You…
216jokebaseball first handjob69w
#concept #undeveloped I got my first handjob in a New Jersey public park baseball field dugout If I want to last longer in bed, I just can't think about…
217joketaurus threesome best friend he doesnt know69w
#concept #undeveloped I had a threesome with my best friend But don't tell him I told you that. Because he doesn't know. He's my best friend. Also, please…
218jokefavour dont mention it68w
Instagram transcript (Day 60) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV5bBOTlC-6/ Hey, Stella. Miss Stella, do you want to hear a joke? Yeah you do. Uh whenever I do a…
219jokeAI fanart hippo skydiving67w
#concept #undeveloped Fanart used to be easily picked out or at least hard enough to do that I only found it if I was ready to scroll google. These days,…
220jokebeta cuck alpha cuck67w
Instagram transcript (Day 63) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWBELtVjdQU/ Have any of you guys ever been insulted by somebody and they called you like a beta…
221jokenipple piercings noticing staring tits67w
#concept #undeveloped Every guy notices when a girl has nipple piercings, and I'm sure they know that men are staring at their tits and women have eyes I can…
222jokeArea rug66w
Instagram transcript (Day 1) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTfmjyGFC4Z/ I saw an ad for an area rug the other day. An area rug as opposed to one of those rugs…
223jokefake your laughter65w
if something isn't funny, can you please fake it? if you're not familiar faking laughter is a lot like faking an orgasm the people who care about me do it new…
proven
224jokestilts material STDs antibiotics supervirus65w
#concept #undeveloped - I have had so many STDS antibiotics don't work on me anymore - I'm worried that I will singlehandedly create the next supervirus -…
225jokeunable to sell adderall jewish profiled business homework65w
When I was in college, a friend asked me to do his business homework for him. I felt weird like I was being racially profiled. I'm thinking, just because I'm…
226jokeCereal monogamy64w
I only eat one cereal for a while. Like I only ate pops for like two years in high school.. and then I ate cookie crisp for like a whole year. Then I grew up…
conceptstage-readyclassic
227jokecalifornians are everywhere64w
Californians are everywhere which is odd considering we came out west on the 1800s. Enough gold and you'd want to fuck even if you're an asexual on mars. (Yee…
228jokejuggling school no balls hands model64w
Instagram transcript (Day 97) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXbbvYzFXZz/ Juggling school is a very skill when you don't have any juggling balls right? Cuz…
229jokemy jokes are 5 minutes fast64w
I got a new smart watch It has all these cool features like it knows what's happening and is about to happen right now it says someone's gonna whip their dick…
230jokesodom sodomy first threesome dinner sex party64w
The place the Bible says sodomy was invented. I'm sure the first threesome was probably the first cordial invitation. "We're having a dinner sex party; would…
231jokeyelp reviews parkour gym foam pit 11 out of 1064w
#concept #undeveloped I don't identify with most of the yelp reviews I see on the website I mean for one, I don't really go anywhere willingly except for…
232jokeactions vs intentions quiche63w
#concept #undeveloped They say actions matter more than intentions, but that's the wrong point to make! You can fuck things up by doing the right thing with…
233jokeDo heroin62w
Pro tip for those of you who (whom?) work at an office: - sorry! Whom.. Do heroin And no one will take your lunch ( Sorry that’s wrong It’s whom ) No one…
234jokeportal bathroom gloryhole new york LA wholesome62w
#concept #undeveloped Portal in New York reopens but I want to see a portal from New York to LA and more portals. Portals everywhere. In the bathroom like a…
235jokeunrealistic expectations smart woman yes honey shes wrong62w
#concept #undeveloped Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for a long time because I have unrealistic expectations. Is it too much to ask for a…
236jokevirginity story mostly exposition climax without buildup62w
#concept #undeveloped The story of how I lost my virginity is mostly exposition. It would be much shorter otherwise. I've been learning screenwriting and if…
237jokeday 17 transcript unavailable60w
Instagram transcript (Day 17) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DULqXQXEYHt/ Transcript not available for this day. Caption: day 17 / 365 of sharing a new joke…
238jokeplateau beautiful60w
Instagram transcript (Day 29) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUoU8wciccS/ Some people when they're trying to make progress like they're lifting or something…
239jokesix foot two three kids trench coat59w
Instagram transcript (Day 35) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU42r1mDSXm/ I used to live with a friend who is six foot two and uh that destroyed my ego because…
240joketijuana viagra market boner pills how much boner you need59w
#concept #undeveloped You can take a lift over to Tijuana and buy any sort of boner pill, in any quality or quantity at any pharmacy. Boner pills are a…
241jokewomen with cats allergic worth giving up air suffocating for58w
I'm allergic to cats, so when I meet a woman and I find out she has a cat, - I need to make a decision about whether or not this woman is worth giving up air.…
242jokemilitary industrial toy complex transformers nukes57w
#concept #undeveloped A lot of us are upset that our taxpayer dollars go to the military industrial complex but without it we wouldn't have transformers All…
243jokeryan gosling sexuality movie trailers57w
I'm not gay but if you put Ryan Gosling in a film and play the right music, I'll seriously start questioning my sexuality, but only until the next movie…
244jokePurim costume ron lemieux porn star56w
#concept #undeveloped My senior year of high school: I went to an all boys Jewish private school. I thought it would be a great idea to dress as a 70s porn…
245jokehard being hot tempting sin mid56w
Instagram transcript (Day 99) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXgqmLJICwa/ It's hard being hot. You're just tempting people to sin all the time. You're making…
246jokeketamine deodorant anxiety sweat stronger than deodorant56w
If I smell I'm sorry. That's anxiety sweat. I put on deodorant, but my anxiety is stronger than the deodorant I have and I wish they had anti-anxiety deodorant…
247jokestaten island rim job shouldnt have gone56w
I went to Staten Island for a rim job This woman said hey come over we're gonna give you a rim job And I should've asked who "we" was More than that, I…
248jokestep family porn steps in56w
Instagram transcript (Day 14) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUBz3j1lVv3/ Getting my steps in. That's what I like to call watching snow family porn. It's been…
249jokeiron dome penis friend hint55w
#concept #undeveloped My friend told me I should write about the iron dome He works on the team responsible for something top secret and to do with the dome…
250jokevirginity foreskin55w
Virginity is a lot like my foreskin I haven’t had mine in a while And if I meet a woman who has hers we’re probably not compatible If I have, if I need a…
251jokejewish attitudes on sex procreate quota54w
I feel like as a Jew, you've gotta mask your horniness in a willingness to procreate. I'm not just horny, I'm here to fix the Jewish population problem; which…
252jokeresale value mattress single too long54w
I've been single for so long my mattress has retained its resale value I'm gonna trade it in like it's the old iPhone Put it up on Facebook marketplace and…
253jokeGoosebumps53w
I grew up on goosebumps I do lines of cocaine with a flock of geese I love goosebumps. Who doesn’t love doing cocaine with geese? It’s better than doing…
254jokeMy dad used to hit me52w
I don't like condoms But I like looking at them because they are the tool of an optimist. If you carry around a condom, you are carrying around the belief that…
255jokeSpite condom52w
I wear a condom out spite for my father Every time I can’t come I’m like “This is because of you dad!” One time this Oman I was seeing told me to cum inside…
256jokecondoms as a symbol of hope52w
I don't like condoms But I like looking at them because they are the tool of an optimist. If you carry around a condom, you are carrying around the belief that…
257jokemeasuring penis range accent lessons52w
Not that my penis is small I've measured it Multiple times And it's a different measurement every time So the question isn't "how big is your penis?" It's…
258jokesoft butt of a joke 16 handles52w
Instagram transcript (Day 98) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXeDWebjRga/ Might be so soft you could find it in 16 handles. Yeah that's right. I don't mind…
259jokesurgeon friend brisk52w
Instagram transcript (Day 94) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXTbRdgiZ9I/ A really good friend. He's a surgeon and I was over at his place and I asked him for…
260joke10 commandments 603 more circumcision convert51w
#concept #undeveloped There are actually another 603 Imagine hearing the 10 Commandments thinking "Reasonable. Do not murder. Do not sleep with your neighbor's…
261jokejackie chan dream chinese voice51w
Instagram transcript (Day 11) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT5gUmPiemT/ I had a dream last night. It's pretty cool where I was Jackie Chan. And because I was…
262joketurtle ran away neighbor deserves freedom51w
My neighbor came over today and he told me he lost his turtle. And he asked me to keep an eye out for the turtle. That's so silly. If I find a turtle I'm…
263joke5 year old hide and seek50w
#concept #undeveloped Parents have not seen their 5 year old in months. "We introduced our baby to the concept of peek-a-boo first, and he loved it! So we…
264jokegoing to therapy announcement pity50w
#concept #undeveloped Do you think if you tell people that you're on your way to therapy, they'll be mean to you because you're in therapy and figure you'll…
265jokeseeing thirst trap wanting to be a better man50w
Sometimes I see a thirst trap on social media and I can't help but think classic guy things. Like "I want to be a better man today" I'll see a hottie with a…
266jokesmall penis jokes thinking hard what it would be like50w
One of the hardest parts about writing a joke about having a small penis is that I have to sit down for a moment and think about What it would be like to have…
267jokevalentina gomez flamethrower stuntman bone to pick50w
#concept #undeveloped Valentina Gomez running for Secretary of State in Missouri "Countries that ban rifles and flamethrowers are weak and gay" Protecting…
268jokeavatar backflip over problems49w
#concept #undeveloped Aang is proof that you can backflip over your problems. It's actually remarkable that not once, or twice, but 3 times Aang solved a…
269jokecall mom after sex she wants grandchildren im trying49w
A lot of guys don't call their mom enough. Maybe once a month. Me, I call my mom four to five times a week because I always call my mom after I have sex She…
270jokenice to bartenders spit in mouth49w
Instagram transcript (Day 88) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXD_y2DEg5K/ If you are an to the bartenders, they'll spit in your drink but if you're nice to…
271jokeweed as the argument solver49w
#concept #undeveloped I think we smoke weed too much but we should call it the argument solver and only use it when you fix an argument or someone is in court.…
272jokeGermany swastika drawing in second grade47w
#concept #undeveloped In Germany they will put you in prison if you draw a swastika. Well in second grade I drew a lot of them because I had this really thick…
273jokecelestial ding dong ditch aliens47w
#concept #undeveloped I believe in aliens but am I the only one that thinks they've ding-dong ditched us? Like we finally believe in extra terrestrials and…
274jokemade in china tag adoption46w
#concept #undeveloped I've been finding made in China tags on everything I own. Sometimes I get nervous that I'm just gonna find a made in China tag on myself.…
275jokewet dreams46w
Wet dreams are cool because I wake up as soon as I come. That’s like the reverse of what happens when I come in real life When you come in life you get sleepy…
one-liner
276jokecounting calories 5000 a day 5 year old proud45w
#concept #undeveloped I like to count my calories It's a great way to understand why I'm gaining weight Sometimes I'll eat like 5,000 calories a day And I'm…
277jokeexcuse to look at girls butt schmuts bee dont move45w
Here are some excuses to look at the girl's butt "Oh, you have some schmuts on there let me get it" Or if you want to be polite, you say "should I get it?"…
278joketheo vonn tony robbins live life coaching unknowingly45w
#concept #undeveloped Theo Vonn had Tony Robbins on his podcast And now there are thousands of videos clipping his podcast just saying "look at how Tony…
279jokeai epstein files unethical43w
Instagram transcript (Day 67) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWLwn6_gd_U/ I want to train an AI model on the esteem files and create the most unethical AI…
280jokedispensaries bartender recommendation43w
Instagram transcript (Day 89) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXHAMTvCAgu/ Like I work at places. I like going to dispensaries and then people assume you're the…
281jokemohel comedian late night brit milah43w
#concept #undeveloped Comedian who's a mohel on the side. Great character. Late night comedy but early morning brit Milah. He doesn't get any sleep some…
282jokemohel followed their dream tips bagels43w
#concept #undeveloped You think mohels followed their dreams? Like a kid who wants to be a doctor from the age of 5, there's a kid who's life long dream is to…
283jokepicture audience naked43w
Instagram transcript (Day 57) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVxjNyugX5L/ They say if you want to be less nervous on stage picture the audience naked I'm…
284jokemaduro vaccine42w
Instagram transcript (Day 2) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTibvfkjSdM/ The Maduro vaccine. It worked. I don't give a ** about what's going on in Venezuela. I…
285jokemechanical bull someone's wife42w
Instagram transcript (Day 81) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWyHOrUjhaX/ Not a big fan of mechanical bulls? That's somebody's wife you're #concept…
286jokerocks on jewish headstones morbid42w
#concept #undeveloped There's this Jewish tradition where you put rocks on the your dead relative's headstone It's a piece of morbid humor: They're dead, they…
287jokesuppository keep my hair42w
Instagram transcript (Day 24) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUbwD6kDVlt/ I know I would do anything to keep my hair because if you told me I had to take a…
288jokeparents embarrassment explanation for weirdness41w
#concept #undeveloped As a kid I didn't want people meeting my parents because I was embarrassed by them. As an adult I love when people meet my parents…
289jokepost nut clarity refractory41w
Instagram transcript (Day 28) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUlL-GElXoA/ Say that as a man after you have sex you have post nut clarity but I have an…
290joketime traveler cant sleep with mom paradox sleep with anyone41w
#concept #undeveloped You can say you're from the future because I won't believe you — you can sleep with anybody, but you can't sleep with your mom because…
291jokedaddy issues called daddy in bed40w
Instagram transcript (Day 38) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVAaJPZAgyH/ When people call me daddy in bed. I don't Because I have daddy issues and as soon as…
292jokejewish cloud nimbostratus39w
Instagram transcript (Day 84) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW50kK3gt8g/ This is my impression of a Jewish cloud more specifically a Jewish nimbo status.…
293jokemanager kiss ass eat ass39w
Instagram transcript (Day 58) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV0N_uMAKnE/ Wanna hear a joke? Sure. Uh I have a really good relationship with my manager at work…
294jokewaking up parents divorce39w
Instagram transcript (Day 49) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVdCeWVCQbr/ Waking up this morning was so hard. Like why is it so hard to open my eyes in the…
295jokedentist first date unhinge jaw38w
#concept #undeveloped I don't like going to the dentist for the same reason I don't like eating on first dates I don't like it when people can see how much I…
296jokegetting a dog instagram celebrity ROI38w
#concept #undeveloped I want to get a dog, but I don't know if it's worth the risk. Like what are the odds my dog becomes an Instagram celebrity and gives me a…
297jokesmell their finger38w
Instagram transcript (Day 31) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUt8MvrlNkI/ Hate when people tell me to smell their finger like I would stop at their finger. I…
298jokeultrasound sketch balls nurse seen bigger38w
#concept #undeveloped - Hot nurse is rubbing jelly and an ultrasound wand on some balls - Young man is nervous - Conversation - Boy gets erection - Nurse says…
299jokeautomotive talking blown37w
Instagram transcript (Day 50) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVfrwUGlBk3/ You're not like when you're getting blown and you can you can't really speak in real…
300jokerepublicans therapy greenland37w
Instagram transcript (Day 26) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUgRBmdjJP2/ I learned recently that Republicans are getting into therapy. How cool to learn about…
301jokesupermodel clown friend criticized her job37w
#concept #undeveloped I have a clown friend who dated a supermodel But one day he criticized her job. What a clown, and not in a professional way but in the…
302jokeold jewish man late to orgy36w
Instagram transcript (Day 61) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV8CH_CARRZ/ This is my impression of an old Jewish man who's running late to an orgy. I'm going…
303jokespellcheck and autocorrect36w
Thank god for autocorrect or I would never be able to spell acquaintance. craziest thing about that joke is I actually spelt it right on the first try, making…
one-liner
304jokeburlesque reverse striptease35w
#concept #undeveloped The reverse strip tease Come out mostly naked and come out each time with more clothing Assembling the weirdest fucking outfit ever…
305jokeharvest organs dream35w
Instagram transcript (Day 20) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUQhVHHj-kS/ I had a dream that this woman tried to harvest my organs. The harvest was weak so she…
306jokejohnny bravo jacked lives with mom35w
#concept #undeveloped Isn't it interesting that Johnny Bravo sort of modeled today's bachelor? Jacked as fuck, rizzed to the teeth, can literally swing his…
307jokestewardess spirit airlines toothy35w
Instagram transcript (Day 64) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWDe8PeE9A4/ You want to hear a joke? Yeah. I got a I got a from a stewardess on the Spirit…
308jokepretending to be bisexual so I can get a job at a company that likes DEI34w
I've been thinking about pretending to be bisexual to get a job at a pro DEI corporation. I've been thinking anbout pretending to be bisexual so people will…
loose-premise
309jokegolden bachelor casting director sex factor33w
#concept #undeveloped Golden bachelor casting director reviewing the first round of candidates: "No no. No no no. These are all bad options. Old people does…
310jokeremote work cuck porn covid33w
#concept #undeveloped If you watch porn you're a cuck If you don't think that's true Just think about what it must have been like to be a cuck during covid
311jokeSTDs super thorough dome32w
#concept #undeveloped Super Thorough Dick Strenuous I recently went on a date with a woman and she gave me an STD - super thorough dome That was a lie; there…
312jokebelieve finish sentence interesting32w
Instagram transcript (Day 80) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWvwig2ijgL/ I think everyone should believe in something. Me personally I believe in my ability…
313jokegender gap orgasms multiple men shut out32w
#concept #undeveloped I've heard that women have less orgasms than men But can't women have multiple orgasms? If men could have multiple orgasms, that gap…
314joketroubled youth industry abusive adult thats allowed32w
#concept #undeveloped It's weird because a lot of people who work there went through the programs. "I'm not troubled youth anymore, I'm an abusive adult. And…
315jokewolf three little piggies koala32w
Instagram transcript (Day 30) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUrgUgTjJPk/ I think the wolf from the three little piggies ain't got ** on the koala man yeah…
316jokeSex robots and delivery robots31w
I hope the sex robots look like those coco delivery robots would be cool to have sex with something that comes with snacks one of us has to have a job
317jokehalloween dressing as a slut costume30w
#concept #undeveloped I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween I'm dressing up as a Slut Just a slut Some people say that's not a costume
318jokesuperhero music hans zimmer mortal kombat sex30w
Superhero music is inspirational, that's why I switched from lofi to Hans Zimmer as sexy time music Unironically the music from the new Spiderman movies is…
319joke2nd generation immigrant trauma waterfall29w
#concept #undeveloped Being raised by immigrants is hard but being raised by people raised by immigrants is pretty messed up too The trauma just waterfalls…
320jokechuck e cheese teaches kids real world29w
#concept #undeveloped Great place. Teaches kids about the real world. Fun games don't win prizes. If you lose; eat some pizza. You can get away with committing…
321jokecigarette every time quit smoking29w
Instagram transcript (Day 82) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW0pndBjeEJ/ If I had a cigarette for every time I've quit smoking cigarettes, probably would…
322jokefetishes hugs and kisses prude29w
I think I might be a prude. I can only get off in missionary — I've got this fetish It's pretty messed up It's Hugs and kisses
323joketakes me a while to come29w
Instagram transcript (Day 83) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW3SorMFN5Q/ It takes me a while to come. Kinda hope I can do it before the end of this set.
324jokecups in the audience27w
Instagram transcript (Day 42) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVKvCJTDcAU/ Cups in the audience. No, no, you don't have to announce yourself. You can just watch.
325jokeconfusing psychiatrist number therapist26w
#concept #undeveloped I'll call my therapist crying about something And my psychiatrist will pick up: "Nonono: you call me for drugs. Kvetch to somebody else"
326joketrans woman matched hinge dont agree politically but shes hot26w
I matched with a trans woman on hinge Dw it's nothing weird I don't agree with them politically I just thought she was hot
327jokeBoobs are like dragons25w
The townspeople like to talk about even if they haven't seen them Many men have died in pursuit of them and I like them.
328jokeaffairs rabbi pastor secret sex25w
#concept #undeveloped I want to be a rabbi or a pastor just so I can have hot sex that I have to hide from god
329jokevirgin hail mary lose charisma confess want sex25w
#concept #undeveloped Losing all charisma and saying you're a virgin and you wanna have sex — that's what I call a virgin hail Mary
330jokelost virginity rabbis daughter24w
I lost my virginity to a rabbi Wait, sorry That's wrong. I lost my virginity to a Rabbi's daughter. Is that better?
331jokerun with scissors24w
Worst part about being circumcised is walking around knowing I can't undo it so take it from me Don’t run with scissors
332jokesex life french movie star huge overseas24w
I like to compare my sex life to the career of a French language movie star. Not super big in America, but huge overseas.
333jokeAI ghosting girlfriend23w
#concept #undeveloped I tried ghosting my AI girlfriend but I couldn't. There's no where to run from a vengeful AI girlfriend.
334jokedominos effect ordering lazy roommate22w
#concept #undeveloped I started ordering Dominos when I'm lazy and my roommate gained 5 lbs. Talk about a Domino's effect
335jokejewish circumcision who did yours22w
#concept #undeveloped Any Jews in here? Alright let's get into it. Who did your circumcision? No way! He did mine too.
336jokemy penis doesn't work22w
I'd date a comic but my penis doesn't work right now and I don't need everyone to know that
one-liner
337jokeage is just a number20w
Age is just a number Unless you’re an 1000 year old vampire. Then it’s a pretty big number
one-liner
338jokethe truth will set you free20w
The truth will not set you free truth will tie you up because you’ve been a bad bad girl
339jokeweed quit because negative food in fridge19w
#concept #undeveloped I had to quit smoking weed Because I learned You can have negative food in your fridge
340jokeManager and eating ass18w
I have a good relationship with my managers because I love kissing ass. Sorry- I meant eating ass.
one-liner
341jokegorilla glue tape next gorilla couples counseling18w
Gorilla glue then gorilla tape. What's next? Gorilla couples counseling? For the toughest marriages on planet earth
342jokefor every time I've quite smoking cigarettes17w
if I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking cigarettes, I'd smoke that cigarette
343jokeDr strange11w
I recently found out that Doctor Strange isn’t a gynecologist.
one-liner
344jokebirds and stones8w
I can maim 2 birds with one stone