off the derech masturbation heathen

So I'm Jewish (surprise) and I'm what my high school rabbis would call 'off the derech' — off the path.

See we learned a lot about what it meant to be a good Jew. To keep the sabbath, to avoid eating most intelligent animals, to use God as an excuse to get our children to do the dishes. But I don't do any of that. And I love masturbation. Sorry God. So I'm a total heathen by their standards. And it's hard not to think about how when I boof it with a lady, they're winning.