All Notes

#premise > If you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you're done - James clear They say it takes 10 years to become a real…

#concept #undeveloped There are actually another 603 Imagine hearing the 10 Commandments thinking "Reasonable. Do not murder. Do not sleep with your neighbor's wife" (sleep with someone across town)…

What if a 2 year old was sentient and asking adult questions while all the other two year olds were talking like one Where? At nursery. When? During nap time. Toddler A: I can't sleep. I have…

#concept #undeveloped Being raised by immigrants is hard but being raised by people raised by immigrants is pretty messed up too The trauma just waterfalls down to the grandchildren

#concept #undeveloped Parents have not seen their 5 year old in months. "We introduced our baby to the concept of peek-a-boo first, and he loved it! So we thought hide and seek would be a fun game to…

Premise Being diagnosed with ADHD at 6 makes no sense — a 6-year-old with ADHD is just a regular 6-year-old. The doctor gave a child a controlled substance. Got bullied, had to sell Adderall at a…

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 years old And that doesn't make sense to me Because You know what a 6 year old with ADHD is like? A regular 6 year old! My doctor was renowned — most probably…

Premise ADHD doesn't go away — it's like herpes. And the comparison keeps going from there. Versions v1 — raw (from Apple Notes/Adhd 1) ADHD is like herpes. It doesn't go away. It's also like herpes…

ADHD acronym: Always Down Has Drugs Having ADHD is weird because you get distracted easily Having ADHD is paradoxical because you get distracted easily unless you happen to be hyperfocused Being…

Having ADHD is great. Even if I'm distractible, my mind works in an interesting way and brings me interesting places. I have ADD. I like comic books & computer science, & art history & reading…

Premise On an AI dating app. It asks "why not?" when you swipe no — which starts to border on therapy. Ends up wanting to call his brother instead of going on a date. Source Apple Notes/AI dating…

Blackface is a thing of the past; makeup is cool and all but why would I paint a black face when I can just use AI to give myself a black face on the internet? "Dog you can't do that" "AI Blackface…

Software is sometimes like comedy. You gotta clown, and then you need to think pragmatically and edit. AI coding tools like Microsoft co-pilot, essentially, let me be the editor instead of worrying…

I've been on this AI dating app It's kind of sad but not any sadder than regular dating apps One interesting thing is that it actually asks me questions about myself And it tries learning about you…

#concept #undeveloped Fanart used to be easily picked out or at least hard enough to do that I only found it if I was ready to scroll google. These days, Fanart is everywhere and I can make Fanart in…

#concept #undeveloped I tried ghosting my AI girlfriend but I couldn't. There's no where to run from a vengeful AI girlfriend.

People have been riding this chatGPT hype in 2 ways: - it's gonna replace us all! - Lol it's so stupid But when we're calling it stupid, we're pretty much saying we are too! My parents fucked like a…

Ideas for pants for Acro: Normally, you see people who do acro in yoga pants and a tank top I think instead of yoga pants, we should have acro pants Pants made entirely out of liquid shock —- You…

Instagram transcript (Day 1) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTfmjyGFC4Z/ I saw an ad for an area rug the other day. An area rug as opposed to one of those rugs you put nowhere. I saw an area rug for…

Have you heard that sometimes if you're an asshole to them bartenders will spit in your drink Well if you're nice They'll spit in your mouth Related - Dentist blow job — service worker sexual tension…

Whenever I see a hot person, I wanna be a better man. But whether or not that’s a man or a woman I’m willing to do to be that better man. If I see tall, handsome attractive man I think OK maybe I’m a…

Instagram transcript (Day 48) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVao_yjjwVV/ Been riding my bike a lot since I got back to California like 50 miles in the last twenty-four hours. I'm so deeply…

Sometimes drivers will get mad at me for biking on the road even if I have a bike lane. I think they just don't wanna share the road. I was biking the other day to the valley and I was passing the…

Boeing employees suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max. BA stock rallies in the face of what analysts are calling "the greatest workforce reduction since last quarter" Arlington, VA - In a…

I only eat one cereal for a while. Like I only ate pops for like two years in high school.. and then I ate cookie crisp for like a whole year. Then I grew up and decided to start eating Cheerios like…

Instagram transcript (Day 55) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVsf7tdDSY9/ I feel like I wear this shirt to distract you from all the chest hair but it doesn't work. Actually I feel like people look…

I could travel back in time to see Bill Cosby while he was still on TV playing Dr. Huxtable And I would tell him to maybe not get so good at roofie-ing A lot of bad things happened. I think we…

I don't get why "crowd pleaser" is a good movie review Slutty if you ask me "We pleased the whole crowd. The front of the crowd we please them and the back of the crowd we also please them, even if…

Instagram transcript (Day 70) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWTAVHeEQDO/ This is my impression of a dentist getting a blow Not enough teeth. This is my impression of a dentist getting a blow job:…

I want to work hard so I can become the type of man who deserves to marry a woman he doesn't deserve Related - Better man — same "becoming worthy" thread - mother in law in law — marriage anxiety -…

Pro tip for those of you who (whom?) work at an office: - sorry! Whom.. Do heroin And no one will take your lunch ( Sorry that’s wrong It’s whom ) No one steals food from the heroin guy I don’t care…

I recently found out that Doctor Strange isn’t a gynecologist.

Instagram transcript (Day 3) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTl7SPJD00G/ I like eucalyptus everything. Uh I got eucalyptus shampoo, eucalyptus soap, eucalyptus face wash. And I'm excited for the day…

My ex girlfriend told me she faked all her orgasms, but they were real to me Was she good at faking them Or did I just want to believe? I really did believe that I made her cum I believed like I…

Instagram transcript (Day 6) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTtYZRSgd4V/ Um I think as a man you should avoid going to a female run club. Especially if you're slow. Cuz if you're the slowest one in…

I think if somebody licks their fingers at the table, you gotta lick your fingers too path a: You gotta lick his fingers If you’re a woman, and the finger licker is a man if you do it anyway, It’ll…

#concept #undeveloped In Germany they will put you in prison if you draw a swastika. Well in second grade I drew a lot of them because I had this really thick textbook and the only images were of the…

I grew up on goosebumps I do lines of cocaine with a flock of geese I love goosebumps. Who doesn’t love doing cocaine with geese? It’s better than doing ketamine with ducks I’ll tell ya this is why…

I'm nothing like Hitler, except I also like to paint, I like hikes, and I occasionally wear my mustache for years at a time. I'm not comparing myself to Hitler but if I mention him and his vast love…

Hitler had a threesome with Eva Braun and a Jewish super model who knew astrophysics and was a virgin. She was like Fran Drescher meets Einstein. And it was so beautiful that Hitler regretted what…

Hugh Hefner if he had a mustache: It never became the Playboy Mansion. It's actually just a Playboy Duplex "Wanna go to a party at the Playboy Duplex?" "You know there's gonna be at least 1 girl…

My legs aren’t shaking because I’m nervous They’re shaking because I’m coming so hard right now Stage notes (2026-04-12) - Great response — works best as a 1-2 with Takes me a while to cum right…

I wanted to be a mechanic but when they found out I was Jewish they said no They didn't trust me to not snip the tip of the dip stick No no that's not the reason They just didn't like my problematic…

Jewish private school Stage notes - Callback / transition line into She Comes First material - Can be used as a standalone beat or setup Related - She Comes First — the full bit this tags into -…

I'm Jewish so I would never pay for sex I would beg Stage notes - Misdirect on the "cheap" stereotype, pivot to desperation - Quick hitter — don't oversell it Related - Jewish mechanic — Jewish…

Instagram transcript (Day 5) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTqHBQWky_j/ Sometimes I wish my roommates had sex louder. Because for the first moment I kind of I'm like wondering what I'm hearing. Like…

I have a good relationship with my managers because I love kissing ass. Sorry- I meant eating ass.

I don't like condoms But I like looking at them because they are the tool of an optimist. If you carry around a condom, you are carrying around the belief that you might get laid It's like the…

Instagram transcript (Day 36) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU6C6l5iFih/ I believe in the N word pass. Like every time my homie says you can say it. I'm like no I'll pass. Hm? I’m a big fan of the n…

Instagram transcript (Day 59) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV3Jui7Ej4N/ Can I tell you guys a joke? I got invited to an ORG uh but they wanted me to RSVP so I RSVP coming. I got invited to an orgy,…

Instagram transcript (Day 93) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXRM7k8iFC1/ Uh you guys ever like masturbate in the middle of touching yourself, your parents call you? Yeah. Yeah, I gotta I gotta I…

It must be crazy hard to get a PhD in sexology. Just staying up all night to study sex. Look through your notes and it's just diagrams and diagrams of penis and vaginas. Just a bunch of random notes…

Instagram transcript (Day 7) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTu9txJDFAb/ This is my impression of a modern polyamoris millennial cowboy. Had it partners. There's enough room in this town for all five…

#concept #undeveloped My senior year of high school: I went to an all boys Jewish private school. I thought it would be a great idea to dress as a 70s porn star. So I did. Because I was 17 and I was…

I got a job in real estate accounting software And more recently I took a second job In real estate insurance it's the perfect skillset to commit real estate insurance fraud All I need now is a job…

There are 2 types of men Men who appreciate ryan gosling and ryan gosling scratch that: 1 kind of man -- I’m not gay but if you put Ryan gosling in a film and play the right music, I’ll seriously…

#concept #undeveloped Super Thorough Dick Strenuous I recently went on a date with a woman and she gave me an STD - super thorough dome That was a lie; there is no woman

I hope the sex robots look like those coco delivery robots would be cool to have sex with something that comes with snacks one of us has to have a job

Instagram transcript (Day 16) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUG3hogjK7X/ I went to an all-boys Jewish private school growing up. Like we didn't have sex ed, right? Because if we did have sex ed,…

Instagram transcript (Day 13) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT_z0E3ga-6/ I'm afraid of spiders. Uh because because I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill again. It's tough guys. Cuz I like women and…

I wear a condom out spite for my father Every time I can’t come I’m like “This is because of you dad!” One time this Oman I was seeing told me to cum inside her and I didn’t because I know that’s…

So one of my favorite parts about stand-up specials is the opening. Which always seems to be like some sort of interesting reflection about the comedian and what they think they’re about to do or a…

In sixth grade my friend was talking about pornography — and he used the word "pornography" because to an 11-year-old it sounds sophisticated, like a really cool word. I didn't know what it was. My…

It takes me a while to cum I sure hope I can do it before the end of this set Stage notes - Plant early in set, payoff later when legs visibly shake from nerves - Payoff: "my legs aren't shaking…

Thursday and the Staten Island story Story premise: The time I went to Staten Island for a rimjob Tinder subs what kind of person has the time for multiple subs? Stuff in my ass on camera I…

I feel like I have a lot to say about erectile dysfunction Because I’m a man and I like talking about things I don’t know anything about I’ve heard it’s pretty bad yeah sometimes audiences. Don’t…

A while ago Uber added this feature where you can put your preference that you don't wanna talk to the driver. That was something that obviously really needed — people were getting false five star…

Instagram transcript (Day 87) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXBz6M_AaNn/ I don't like the virgin Mary though. I think it's widely inappropriate. That's none of our business. I think if like it…

Instagram transcript (Day 92) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXOgtHNlKc4/ Virginity is a lot like a foreskin. If a woman has hers, stay away. I'm Jewish my family is Jewish and their favorite joke of…

Premise Diagnosed with ADHD at 6 → Adderall prescription → basically the school drug dealer. Who bullies their drug dealer? Versions v1 — raw (from Apple Notes/Adhd 1) I'm a pretty nervous person. I…

I went out with someone And I couldn't rise to the occasion - not a very original way to say it. Perhaps I should find one though. "sorry me-love. little me can't stay for tea time" And she said…

Premise Loves meeting women with boyfriends. No pressure, get to practice listening, get to be a third wheel, get gossip, maybe make two friends. "I'm not in the friend zone — I am the friend zone."…

Premise Allergic to cats. When a woman has a cat, have to decide if she's worth giving up air. This spirals into allergy exposure therapy — getting a little bit of cat injected into you for love.…

Premise Went 0-19 freshman year of wrestling. Dad watched me get pinned in 25 seconds. Two years later, got revenge on the same kid — and the only payoff was a "good job" from the coach. Source Apple…

Premise Arguing with rabbis about God → arguing with code that won't compile. Structurally identical. Mom still doesn't understand what I do — she'd rather say I was a doctor. But a nervous doctor…

Men love being called the man No man wouldn't mind if you called him the man He might mind it if you called him "a man" because that feels like a defense somebody uses when they get caught cheating —…

I once got into an argument with my parents about abortion. I was 15 and heard the word a couple of times, and I did my research. The research of a 15 year old: Google and Reddit and Tumblr. And I…

I have an opinion about people's opinions on abortion. I think it's weird that republicans try to spin it as murder, like that word doesn't have an incredibly specific legal definition. It feels like…

You can learn the intimate details about me on stage or after sex during pillow talk. Either way it's a 2 drink minimum The concept of selling feet pics really shouldn't be that foreign to an art…

#concept #undeveloped They say actions matter more than intentions, but that's the wrong point to make! You can fuck things up by doing the right thing with the wrong intention, and that's scary. "I…

#concept #undeveloped Put my finger in my mouth — it's gonna seem sexual but it's really not — and explain to the crowd that I'm addicted to carrots and I've been trying to quit. Draw a bunch of…

#concept #undeveloped I want to be a rabbi or a pastor just so I can have hot sex that I have to hide from god

Age is just a number Unless you’re an 1000 year old vampire. Then it’s a pretty big number

Instagram transcript (Day 67) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWLwn6_gd_U/ I want to train an AI model on the esteem files and create the most unethical AI model of them all and then maybe we won't…

Instagram transcript (Day 68) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWOEI9MEmyu/ Pro tip. You can use AI to get away with crimes. What I've done is I've given myself a prosthetic sixth finger. And so now…

Growing up, I went to an all-boys Jewish private school, and for almost nine years, I was completely separated from girls. By the time I graduated, I was genuinely scared I was missing something…

Instagram transcript (Day 21) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUTEzS9D2sC/ Think all penises are created equal. All penises are literally the same. It doesn't matter what size they are, what color…

Instagram transcript (Day 74) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWdaY06DOSM/ I'm allergic to cats and I don't want to be and I've heard that the way some people get over allergies is with this thing…

Instagram transcript (Day 56) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVvAfBHmaTK/ Weird no I don't know I think anal beads have ruined regular beads for me I moved into a place there were beads on the floor…

#concept #undeveloped I saw a homeless person walking around with a sword Like I was on the street and I just saw him carrying a sword like he was an Edo Samurai. I think some people would be afraid…

There is a pornstar who goes by Anne Frank Relish in that observation you just made. Rule 34 sometimes crosses the line. It turns out Marge Simpson getting fucked is okay. Really not as weird as it…

Is there anybody in the audience who does not like vaccines — like you're concerned about the way they're regulated and you suspect that maybe they have adverse side effects causing autism No…

Instagram transcript (Day 73) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWa8EAcCWLx/ A friend of a friend has been having trouble climaxing with women. It's an antidepressants and so that's the side effect of…

I am an anxious optimist. I'm always worried, always anxious that something good is going to happen It's terrible I'm dressed like this but what if I meet the love of my life tonight And worse, what…

Arguing with a rabbi is like a boss battle you know you're going to lose because it's kind of hard to argue a case along the premise of one religion is the absolute basis for moral truth. So you…

Are you an asker or a guesser? The way it was explained to me is that people who guess, won't ask if they think the answer is no. And that leads to a lot of people not asking because they think they…

Instagram transcript (Day 50) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVfrwUGlBk3/ You're not like when you're getting blown and you can you can't really speak in real language. You start speaking in…

#concept #undeveloped Aang is proof that you can backflip over your problems. It's actually remarkable that not once, or twice, but 3 times Aang solved a problem by backflipping That's what I thought…

#concept #undeveloped When you learn to backflip everyone assumes you want to do it all the time. And that's frustrating. That's like saying you want me to work for free That's like saying "do this…

#concept #undeveloped I got my first handjob in a New Jersey public park baseball field dugout If I want to last longer in bed, I just can't think about baseball. This one woman on hinge said "don't…

I think in order to get approved for a loan, you should show them your guest bathroom Forget a credit score, bank statement Just show them the Kiehl's soap you have in your foyer bathroom And if you…

These women in relationships with gay guys. I never understood why we call them beards. It just doesn't really make sense to me. Because what if she has a beard? It's just — it'd be a weird thing to…

Instagram transcript (Day 80) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWvwig2ijgL/ I think everyone should believe in something. Me personally I believe in my ability to finish the sentence without saying…

Instagram transcript (Day 63) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWBELtVjdQU/ Have any of you guys ever been insulted by somebody and they called you like a beta cock? No. No. Oh I think that insults…

Instagram transcript (Day 78) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWntPt5gfuh/ I don't want to be big spoon. I don't want to be little spoon. I don't want to like uphold these archaic ideals of like the…

I have ADHD, but not like your regular ADHD. I have the type of ADHD that's also bipolar 2. Bipolar 2 is the good one I know it's the good one because it's not the one Kanye has Bipolar 2 feels like…

The talk with my dad was short. "Respect women." No clues about what to do when they want to be disrespected. No mention of self-respect, or how to put on a condom, or that condoms are a compromise…

I can maim 2 birds with one stone

I have an idea for a pick up line. I'm not sure it'll work Hey you I've slept with 99 women and my 100th woman, she gonna be my last Will you be my 100th? See I think she'll sleep with me You know-…

I like boobs as much as I liked dragons when I was 10 years old And I think the only difference between dragons and boobs Is that dragons guard treasure And boobs are treasure — Dragons are a lot…

In Judaism, we don’t have the concept of a born again Jew like you have born against Christians We you know, I forget the word, but we say that they came back (Ba'al teshuva) -master of return…

I'm really upset about this wife thing And the thing is I have no wife! — Dating is tough. Meeting the right person for you takes time and you've gotta meet some people who just aren't looking for…

Instagram transcript (Day 86) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW-79J-CE0i/ I've been taking a break from dating about five minutes It's not cuz like you sometimes people take a break and it's because…

I'm afraid of the L train because sometimes it gets stuck with another train in front of it and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck watching breakdancers for a while Worse, I'm afraid of actually…

#concept #undeveloped The reverse strip tease Come out mostly naked and come out each time with more clothing Assembling the weirdest fucking outfit ever Adding a mustache at the end And glasses (I…

Instagram transcript (Day 100) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXjldFQjsD1/ People are addicted to caffeine. And they won't be able to start their days without it. So let's say something like don't…

Californians are everywhere which is odd considering we came out west on the 1800s. Enough gold and you'd want to fuck even if you're an asexual on mars. (Yee haw) Irony: 1 in 8 Americans Is…

A lot of guys don't call their mom enough. Maybe once a month. Me, I call my mom four to five times a week because I always call my mom after I have sex She keeps asking for grandchildren So I call…

#concept #undeveloped I believe in aliens but am I the only one that thinks they've ding-dong ditched us? Like we finally believe in extra terrestrials and they are nowhere to be found the UFOs were…

Instagram transcript (Day 9) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT0WvvED5lI/ This crazy rumor that religious Jews we have sex through a hole in the sheep. That's not it. We have sex through a hole in the…

#concept #undeveloped People keep accusing me of using chatGPT to send them messages. But really I'm just very thoughtful in the way I respond to things. - I make sure to include some version or word…

#concept #undeveloped What do you do when you catch your friends cheating? Do you tell people you know? Believe it or not, I can keep a secret. But I wasn't sure I should. So instead of telling the…

Are you on the apps? I'm on the apps. I love them. Chess.com, lichess, grindr I'm not gay, I'm just afraid of women At least on chess.com, I can improve my elo score without deleting the app For…

Instagram transcript (Day 54) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVp44CvAcnZ/ That's how you can't when you grow up you learn things about yourself. I learned I love being choked. Uh I like autoerotic…

I volunteered this Christmas at skid row on 5th & San Pedro. I was having a great time until this priest gave me a cute little card saying god loves me along with some other stuff about Christianity.…

#concept #undeveloped Great place. Teaches kids about the real world. Fun games don't win prizes. If you lose; eat some pizza. You can get away with committing fraud.

Instagram transcript (Day 82) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW0pndBjeEJ/ If I had a cigarette for every time I've quit smoking cigarettes, probably would start right back up.

Instagram transcript (Day 91) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXL13j4Eb1D/ Circumcision it happens like pretty early in the morning and it's like a whole party and and this tradition to give the baby…

#concept #undeveloped Pole dancers feel no pain. They feel nothing at all. Have you ever seen a robot themed pole act that was almost TOO convincing? (I'm just saying) I recently moved to LA where…

Instagram transcript (Day 47) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVYDxePiaC4/ I have been seeing a lot of these ads for cologne recently uh for men. And cologne for men the ads are all the same. They say…

A friend of mine recently started doing comedy after a breakup. I thought: this is a great origin story! My origin story is that my aunt and uncle were murdered in an alley. I started comedy and my…

Instagram transcript (Day 71) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWVoGNPClUP/ Comparison is the thief of joy unless you're a comedian and comparison is kind of a pretty big thing for us up here. Like…

Okay, hear me out. Competitive baby break dancing league. Or BBL for short. I saw a video of this two-year-old, still wearing diapers, doing some of the best breakdancing I've ever seen. It was…

The perfect compliment for men: Call him "the man" Men love being called the man You've got a friend who needs a pick me up? Call that man "the man", you won't need to explain And it's a good…

I'm such an optimist I purchased an Amazon condom subscription. Did you know you could do that? I was checking out on Amazon with a 36 pack. I was feeling myself and when I started to check out,…

I don't like condoms But I like looking at them because they are the tool of an optimist. If you carry around a condom, you are carrying around the belief that you might get laid It's like the…

#concept #undeveloped I'll call my therapist crying about something And my psychiatrist will pick up: "Nonono: you call me for drugs. Kvetch to somebody else"

A lot of guys will brag about being able to make a woman come That's stupid She could do the same thing with the corner of the couch there are women who will brag about being able to make a man come.…

Instagram transcript (Day 77) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWlHahciYuP/ I couldn't rise to the occasion. Not a very original way to put it. And she said it's okay. And that is the moment I realized…

#concept #undeveloped I like to count my calories It's a great way to understand why I'm gaining weight Sometimes I'll eat like 5,000 calories a day And I'm disappointed But I know 5 year old me…

It's crazy that being white comes with privilege. Like somewhere along the line, the narrative became something like: "most people are white" But the cradle of civilization was literally so close to…

At the top of the show, I'm usually very nervous and I was thinking if one of you wants to help me not be so nervous you can come out and kiss me No, no takers That's OK. What I do is I actually take…

Instagram transcript (Day 42) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVKvCJTDcAU/ Cups in the audience. No, no, you don't have to announce yourself. You can just watch.

I got hit when I was a kid But my dad stopped Dammit They say all good things come to an end. When he stopped he put up this magnet on the fridge that said, "I yelled because I care" And then he told…

So these are a bunch of dad jokes I haven't spoken to my dad in two years (do you wanna hear a dad joke?) He forged my signature on $100,000 business loan Kind of cool I know I can get approved for a…

Instagram transcript (Day 38) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVAaJPZAgyH/ When people call me daddy in bed. I don't Because I have daddy issues and as soon as you call me daddy, I feel like I'm the…

So I almost went out with this woman who was a tattoo artist And by almost I mean, it never happened Yeah, I’m happy that I didn’t because I think I would’ve taken advantage of that situation…

#concept #undeveloped A friend of mine is a comic who said that I need more of an edge I think this was his way of saying that I'm a shitty comic But one of his recommendations to develop an edge…

So I grew up in this somewhat Jewish family — which means I had to learn a lot about dating on the go. And on my own. Now I've learned enough at this point that I can get laid as long as I don't open…

Instagram transcript (Day 17) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DULqXQXEYHt/ Transcript not available for this day. Caption: day 17 / 365 of sharing a new joke every day. 2 today to make up for the ice…

#concept #undeveloped I don't like going to the dentist for the same reason I don't like eating on first dates I don't like it when people can see how much I can unhinge my jaw

Instagram transcript (Day 96) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXY1HusDhIG/ Started dating again recently and I started working on myself because I want to be the kind of man who deserves to marry a…

Every men in here has measured his penis, more than once We’ve all been there Take a tape measure, or a ruler, or if all else fails, we take our iPhone and use that as a reference and then we google…

Instagram transcript (Day 37) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU8gi2giAqf/ I like dirty talk in bed. Uh mostly because I just I need to get it all out now. Like I don't want to be seventy ** and just…

If you're trying to Netflix and chill Don't watch Sleeping Beauty Because she might fall asleep And you don't wanna get any ideas —- Don't watch Sleeping Beauty unless you want your girlfriend to…

Instagram transcript (Day 89) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXHAMTvCAgu/ Like I work at places. I like going to dispensaries and then people assume you're the bartender like what do you recommend?…

Instagram transcript (Day 75) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWf2a_wDqHc/ I've been thinking about doing no to deal with some personal issues but I'm afraid of doing DNC because I just I can't talk…

I want a doctor who takes naps They say if you're sleep deprived, it's like being drunk. Listen, I either want a drunk doctor who's funny or a doctor who's willing to respond with "hold on. I need to…

#concept #undeveloped I started ordering Dominos when I'm lazy and my roommate gained 5 lbs. Talk about a Domino's effect

I matched with a woman And we were talking about earrings, she said that the weirdest gift she had ever received was earrings made out of teeth So I threw my spare teeth away I said something along…

Because I'm Jewish, I got a lot of friends from high school that have the last names Epstein and Weinstein. You know, Jews changed their names when we came to America from Russia and Germany. We…

Here are some excuses to look at the girl's butt "Oh, you have some schmuts on there let me get it" Or if you want to be polite, you say "should I get it?" "There is a bee on your butt" Don't move

if something isn't funny, can you please fake it? if you're not familiar faking laughter is a lot like faking an orgasm the people who care about me do it new and sometimes they don't pick the right…

a friend of a friend can't cum because of anti-depressants and to make girls feel better He tells them he learned how to cum without ejaculating Something about an ancient secret art It's actually…

Have been thinking about soaking my own ass, but one of the only things that’s stopping me is that we had such a very amazing thing to do to your loved ones I’ve been thinking about faking my own…

So I don’t respect anybody who plays fantasy football Hell, I barely respect people who play football Yeah, you work really hard on your body and you exercise like crazy and you make millions…

Instagram transcript (Day 60) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV5bBOTlC-6/ Hey, Stella. Miss Stella, do you want to hear a joke? Yeah you do. Uh whenever I do a favour for a friend I always say don't…

I think I might be a prude. I can only get off in missionary — I've got this fetish It's pretty messed up It's Hugs and kisses

Tonight I met this cute girl She had a boyfriend I found out because we were talking about anal She said, I put my finger in my boyfriend's ass and I could barely feel my finger And I liked finding…

I'm Jewish and I like Israel, but I don't think it's the only option for a homeland Everyone knows the real homeland of the Jews is Miami Beach I'm Jewish and I'm a big proponent of moving to the…

I have a foot kink And I was afraid of telling people about it So instead I'd just lock my neck and never look down —- Then I came to terms with it When a woman I was dating told me that like half of…

if I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking cigarettes, I'd smoke that cigarette

Because he doesn't realize that you need to build an orgasm like you renovate a house First you gotta know where you're going. What's an orgasm look like? That's helpful information And then you…

#concept #undeveloped Frats get a bad rep. And that's because they are kind of bad. Its one of those stereotypes that is correct Sometimes you'll hear about a frat being conducive to date rape. But…

Instagram transcript (Day 33) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUzNo2YADnr/ I think the friend zone is like quick sand. Everyone thinks they know how to get out of it but when they try to show you how…

Instagram transcript (Day 51) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVibWQLClfr/ So my friends have been incredibly supportive of me doing comedy. Um uh but a friend recently he he found out that he could…

#concept #undeveloped I've heard that women have less orgasms than men But can't women have multiple orgasms? If men could have multiple orgasms, that gap would become a shut out

George started a boxing class and I think that's great… because he has a very punchable face It's nice to find out George's sister has an onlyfans. Because if his face is any indicator, his sister is…

#concept #undeveloped I want to get a dog, but I don't know if it's worth the risk. Like what are the odds my dog becomes an Instagram celebrity and gives me a return on my investment?

I don't get ghosted. I don't believe in ghosts. I believe in women who just don't want to talk to me anymore. That's a much easier sale than believing in God even. It's downright reasonable that a…

Clap it up if you follow girl code or guy code Or non-binary code Or binary code… 01010001 Girl code, in a nutshell, is protect your girlies "She means everything to me" "And that's why I snuck an…

Instagram transcript (Day 69) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWQhpibgE6W/ Girls have this hypothetical question they ask their boyfriends. I think it goes something like babe would you still love me…

Instagram transcript (Day 10) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT3ych5AizC/ I was going down on the street the other day and I was wearing a dental jam. Cuz you know those streets they're dirty.…

#concept #undeveloped Do you think if you tell people that you're on your way to therapy, they'll be mean to you because you're in therapy and figure you'll just take care of it there? Or be nice to…

#concept #undeveloped Golden bachelor casting director reviewing the first round of candidates: "No no. No no no. These are all bad options. Old people does not mean the absence of a sex factor"

Gorilla glue then gorilla tape. What's next? Gorilla couples counseling? For the toughest marriages on planet earth

Instagram transcript (Day 23) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUYqrVRDN4l/ Hair thinning. I don't know if you guys could tell. And I need my hair. It it's I'm terrified because this voice does not…

#concept #undeveloped I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween I'm dressing up as a Slut Just a slut Some people say that's not a costume

Instagram transcript (Day 99) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXgqmLJICwa/ It's hard being hot. You're just tempting people to sin all the time. You're making people think about premarital relations.…

Instagram transcript (Day 20) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUQhVHHj-kS/ I had a dream that this woman tried to harvest my organs. The harvest was weak so she starved and so did their children.

Heelies are how I communicate that I am both a good time and an accidental pregnancy Heelys are a product of capitalism. The duality of capitalism can be shown with heelys and cigarettes. Two sides…

I'm never gonna own a house Not because of the ever-growing wage gap but because I'm afraid of any living space larger than a studio apartment that's too much space I can't see at all times In order…

Horny resume. It's a lot like filling out a resume when you're looking for a job because you NEED one. You're willing to say all sorts of things to get that job. Yeah I'm proactive. I'll call in…

Instagram transcript (Day 85) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW8hCVeEYov/ Hugs are good for men. I think I could use more hugs. I got one condition. I would refuse to hug a tall man. I don't want to…

I'm so insecure that if you hired a cyber security company to run a penetration test They wouldn't even do any tech stuff. They would just bring a strap on and suggest they could put it inside of me.…

#concept #undeveloped My friend told me I should write about the iron dome He works on the team responsible for something top secret and to do with the dome But he was nice he gave me a hint He told…

Instagram transcript (Day 66) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWI__hEFLcN/ I can't get audited. It just wouldn't make sense to be IRS. They're going to be like what? This guy's never bought a vape?…

Instagram transcript (Day 52) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVkw95Uldr1/ I'm pretty self conscious about my chest hair. I mean, how could I not be? I'm wearing a full shirt and you guys are…

Instagram transcript (Day 11) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT5gUmPiemT/ I had a dream last night. It's pretty cool where I was Jackie Chan. And because I was Jackie Chan I could do a bunch of…

I feel like as a Jew, you've gotta mask your horniness in a willingness to procreate. I'm not just horny, I'm here to fix the Jewish population problem; which is to say there aren't enough of us! I'm…

Instagram transcript (Day 72) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWYUkZkCSpH/ I'm Jewish. Do you guys hate me? That's cool. She gave me the right answer. Everyone else, what the No, it's it's it's it's…

#concept #undeveloped Any Jews in here? Alright let's get into it. Who did your circumcision? No way! He did mine too.

Instagram transcript (Day 84) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW50kK3gt8g/ This is my impression of a Jewish cloud more specifically a Jewish nimbo status. Well, I don't control the weather. I'm…

#concept #undeveloped The rabbi, 25 years old and ready to start his life teaching faith The imam, in his early 40s. Faith is everything he holds valuable in life The priest, late 70s. Gives few…

#concept #undeveloped Isn't it interesting that Johnny Bravo sort of modeled today's bachelor? Jacked as fuck, rizzed to the teeth, can literally swing his hips like Elvis, but still lives with his…

Murphy's Law: what can go wrong will go wrong. The game: Murphy's law. It's a 5-10 minute juggling comedy act where everything that can go wrong will go wrong. The ball dropping game: show the…

Instagram transcript (Day 97) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXbbvYzFXZz/ Juggling school is a very skill when you don't have any juggling balls right? Cuz it's only cool if I'm really juggling…

Instagram transcript (Day 40) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVGxxjnEUYk/ Today I had to jump over a puddle and there was someone walking by and I'm pretty sure to them it looked like I was skipping.…

If I smell I'm sorry. That's anxiety sweat. I put on deodorant, but my anxiety is stronger than the deodorant I have and I wish they had anti-anxiety deodorant to stop that smell at the sour source…

I'm not one to kiss and tell Unless all we did is kiss Cause that's sweet! All we did is kiss: we had a rom com moment but if we had sex, either: We made love or something gross like that Or We acted…

Instagram transcript (Day 25) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUdy59ZDJ8r/ I have friends that have gotten married and divorced already. And it feels like I just got locked in the game of Mario Kart.…

Instagram transcript (Day 53) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVnA04SFFE6/ Last name is Mendellovic and I don't know if you guys knew this but Jewish last names have meaning to translations. Like I…

You guys ever look at someone's butt And think Maybe the reason I don't have a good relationship with my father is that I didn't have enough context for what it's like to be an adult → Like maybe he…

I lost my virginity to a rabbi Wait, sorry That's wrong. I lost my virginity to a Rabbi's daughter. Is that better?

#concept #undeveloped I've been finding made in China tags on everything I own. Sometimes I get nervous that I'm just gonna find a made in China tag on myself. I kind of knew I was adopted; I just…

Instagram transcript (Day 2) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTibvfkjSdM/ The Maduro vaccine. It worked. I don't give a ** about what's going on in Venezuela. I got the maduro vaccine It worked. I…

If you ask a woman if she's faked an orgasm, the answer is probably yes If you ask a guy if he's faked an orgasm, the answer is maybe Because somewhere out there, a man pulled off the greatest magic…

Instagram transcript (Day 58) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV0N_uMAKnE/ Wanna hear a joke? Sure. Uh I have a really good relationship with my manager at work because I like to kiss ** Wait no…

Instagram transcript (Day 8) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTxoEfcDMWt/ I got married this year. Yeah yeah I got married to an idea. That idea that that idea is that I'm worthy of love. And then one…

Instagram transcript (Day 27) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUi7UaFkfxz/ I've got a lot of masculine urges and I've been trying to resist the masculine urge to say that I've been resisting the…

I never know what's gonna go viral on instagram And viral for me is 200 likes but still Sometimes I'll share a joke I really like and it'll get 6 likes And sometimes I'll talk at the camera talking…

Not that my penis is small I've measured it Multiple times And it's a different measurement every time So the question isn't "how big is your penis?" It's "what is the range of your penis?" Like has…

Instagram transcript (Day 81) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWyHOrUjhaX/ Not a big fan of mechanical bulls? That's somebody's wife you're #concept #undeveloped I'm not a fan of mechanical bulls…

When men get together, they'd rather build a trebuchet than talk Women talk — Men are bad at talking. You get men together and they just distract themselves with something else Men are so bad at…

Dating is awesome and it sucks. For women, I imagine when it rains it pours, and it's always raining. It's raining men but half of them are dicks, y'all need umbrellas understandably. For me, and I…

#concept #undeveloped A lot of us are upset that our taxpayer dollars go to the military industrial complex but without it we wouldn't have transformers All the practical ideas get made into weapons;…

#concept #undeveloped Comedian who's a mohel on the side. Great character. Late night comedy but early morning brit Milah. He doesn't get any sleep some nights. Lots of weird circumcision jokes. Very…

#concept #undeveloped You think mohels followed their dreams? Like a kid who wants to be a doctor from the age of 5, there's a kid who's life long dream is to collect tips for a living and eat bagels…

I’m Jewish, but I can’t date Jewish women. A lot of Jewish people their parents are lawyers A lot of Jewish people their parents are Jewish and the Jewish people. A lot of them are lawyers. Ipso…

I got a new smart watch It has all these cool features like it knows what's happening and is about to happen right now it says someone's gonna whip their dick out wait no this an hour too fast okay…

I'd date a comic but my penis doesn't work right now and I don't need everyone to know that

Instagram transcript (Day 12) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT8xyWjDFjW/ I think we we need to help out guys with microphoneises. We need something to make them feel better. Let's establish the term…

I can hear my neighbors yelling when I'm in my bathroom And I think if I can hear them yelling from my bathroom Then they can hear me singing And honestly, I don't know if that's better than hearing…

#concept #undeveloped Neo Nazis are interesting Like usually new means new and improved But not neo Nazis. It's crazy how they managed to be worse than Nazis. Somehow, they are new, but in a way that…

Instagram transcript (Day 88) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXD_y2DEg5K/ If you are an to the bartenders, they'll spit in your drink but if you're nice to them, they'll spit in your mouth. That's…

#concept #undeveloped Every guy notices when a girl has nipple piercings, and I'm sure they know that men are staring at their tits and women have eyes I can never tell if a woman is wearing nipple…

The NYC ferry is amazing mostly because once a day, I get to be a pirate. Did you know that every ferry has a ship captain? Most are pretty New York City — think of an MTA employee but with an…

So I'm Jewish (surprise) and I'm what my high school rabbis would call 'off the derech' — off the path. See we learned a lot about what it meant to be a good Jew. To keep the sabbath, to avoid eating…

Instagram transcript (Day 61) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV8CH_CARRZ/ This is my impression of an old Jewish man who's running late to an orgy. I'm going to come. I'm going to come.

I recently went to the grocery and discovered Shaq gummies. Now just like so many women in the 80s you too could have a little bit of Shaq in your mouth I read this book about how to make a woman…

Instagram transcript (Day 76) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWik-xCD0a3/ I don't smoke weed anymore but this weekend I ordered and ate an entire Papa John's pizza and then I went to sleep for 14…

#concept #undeveloped As a kid I didn't want people meeting my parents because I was embarrassed by them. As an adult I love when people meet my parents because it's an explanation for why I am so,…

Instagram transcript (Day 43) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVMFGffiguh/ I'm a passive disguise. You guys know what that is? No uh it means I I don't like getting into fights or in other words I'm a…

Instagram transcript (Day 62) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV-b1JjjMta/ Hey Kobe can I tell you a joke? Yeah. So there are people who get really mad when a guy stares at a girl's butt. But that's…

Instagram transcript (Day 57) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVxjNyugX5L/ They say if you want to be less nervous on stage picture the audience naked I'm picturing everybody naked and now that you…

Instagram transcript (Day 34) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU1mP9glRV2/ Clap it up if you want me to eat ** tonight on this date. I have this huge pimple and for a moment I was kind of like…

Instagram transcript (Day 29) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUoU8wciccS/ Some people when they're trying to make progress like they're lifting or something will say ah I've hit a plateau. I'm not…

#concept #undeveloped Portal in New York reopens but I want to see a portal from New York to LA and more portals. Portals everywhere. In the bathroom like a gloryhole. But also it doesn't have to…

Instagram transcript (Day 28) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUlL-GElXoA/ Say that as a man after you have sex you have post nut clarity but I have an incredibly short refractory period so I go back…

I've been thinking about pretending to be bisexual to get a job at a pro DEI corporation. I've been thinking anbout pretending to be bisexual so people will stop calling me gay

The bigger the penis the harder it is to aim Maybe that's why toilet seats in Public restrooms are always covered in pee I aim with hyper accuracy —- I don't understand why public toilets are full of…

So remember when I was in yeshiva — a Rabbi told me an argument in favor of waiting until marriage: if you sleep around before marriage, then you get married, your wife becomes your sexual captor.…

#concept #undeveloped If you watch porn you're a cuck If you don't think that's true Just think about what it must have been like to be a cuck during covid

Instagram transcript (Day 26) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUgRBmdjJP2/ I learned recently that Republicans are getting into therapy. How cool to learn about boundaries as we are about to invade…

I've been single for so long my mattress has retained its resale value I'm gonna trade it in like it's the old iPhone Put it up on Facebook marketplace and mark it lightly used Anyone skeptical just…

#concept #undeveloped There's this Jewish tradition where you put rocks on the your dead relative's headstone It's a piece of morbid humor: They're dead, they can't take anything with them. Might as…

Worst part about being circumcised is walking around knowing I can't undo it so take it from me Don’t run with scissors

I think we’re all too gay for Ryan Gosling. I think we’ve started to make him uncomfortable “all these people are going to hell because of me” I've never been so happy to be mid. No one is going to…

I'm not gay but if you put Ryan Gosling in a film and play the right music, I'll seriously start questioning my sexuality, but only until the next movie trailer starring Ana de Armas, and Blade…

Instagram transcript (Day 19) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUOGqilDZ-p/ I'm a big fan of practicing safe sex. Um by that I mean like to have sex on a mattress that's on the floor. Because there's…

Schindler's List only has 98% on Rotten Tomatoes How many critics decided that it was a good movie but not good enough? on imdb it has a 9.0 and that's partially because 24000 people rated it one…

Sometimes I see a thirst trap on social media and I can't help but think classic guy things. Like "I want to be a better man today" I'll see a hottie with a body and think, "You know what? I'm gonna…

Instagram transcript (Day 39) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVDCe8ilJPI/ I've been having a lot of sex in my dreams. It's not all that's cracked up to be guys. I'm so tired. I slept 10 hours last…

Sex Ed I educated myself about sex [HTTPS://www.Pornhub.com/sex](HTTPS://www.Pornhub.com/sex%20) Fun fact: if you misspell that link, you find a not found page. Which just has a photo of a woman…

I like to compare my sex life to the career of a French language movie star. Not super big in America, but huge overseas.

Instagram transcript (Day 46) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVU5e_ljsr8/ If you guys feel the same way but I want to have sex when I'm older. I want to have sex when I'm older like an hour older, an…

Instagram transcript (Day 44) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVQZgqYiXpP/ Learned recently that you're not supposed to eat Silly Putty. I I by recently I mean 20 years ago which was actually already…

Instagram transcript (Day 35) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU42r1mDSXm/ I used to live with a friend who is six foot two and uh that destroyed my ego because I realized how much sex I wasn't…

One of the hardest parts about writing a joke about having a small penis is that I have to sit down for a moment and think about What it would be like to have a small penis I have to think really…

Instagram transcript (Day 31) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUt8MvrlNkI/ Hate when people tell me to smell their finger like I would stop at their finger. I smell something fishy. I'm getting to the…

It's the exception to the rule: smoking weed is taking the thing you love and killing it with fire Even with edibles, you need to put it in an oven first and heat it to the point that its chemical…

CEO of snoop's smokeless stove was fired for poor sales Remember when snoop said he was quitting the smoke? And it turns out it was a marketing stunt for a smokeless stove He was fired for poor sales…

The place the Bible says sodomy was invented. I'm sure the first threesome was probably the first cordial invitation. "We're having a dinner sex party; would you like to join us?" But it turns out…

Instagram transcript (Day 98) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXeDWebjRga/ Might be so soft you could find it in 16 handles. Yeah that's right. I don't mind being the but medic. The butt of a joke.…

What do you guys think about the relationship between spaghetti and meatballs? Who do you think has more power in that dynamic? Pretty sure it's spaghetti, because spaghetti can launch a solo career,…

Thank god for autocorrect or I would never be able to spell acquaintance. craziest thing about that joke is I actually spelt it right on the first try, making me feel like that joke was hack

I've been thinking about going into the sperm industry. The sperm market looks a lot like the dating market. No not that part of dating. Apparently, it's hard to sell your sperm if you're not at…

I've been staying in this house by myself And I realized I cannot be a homeowner Not until I have a partner I get why people wait until they're married to buy a home It's easier to be at ease when…

I love the noun "nut" I also love the verb "nut" —- Squirrels hide nuts to prepare for winter So when they run out of food they can grab some from the nut cache — which is a GREAT term So during the…

I went to Staten Island for a rim job This woman said hey come over we're gonna give you a rim job And I should've asked who "we" was More than that, I shouldn't have gone The only reason to go to…

I like talking about statistics but I'm almost positive that every time I say the word 'statistics', every one in the room immediately clenches. I feel like with that 1 word, people are more likely…

Instagram transcript (Day 14) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUBz3j1lVv3/ Getting my steps in. That's what I like to call watching snow family porn. It's been getting out of control though. They're…

Instagram transcript (Day 64) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWDe8PeE9A4/ You want to hear a joke? Yeah. I got a I got a from a stewardess on the Spirit Airlines flight. Kinda toothy. So bad.

#concept #undeveloped - I have had so many STDS antibiotics don't work on me anymore - I'm worried that I will singlehandedly create the next supervirus - But that won't stop me from getting it in…

Yeah the elephant in the room: I'm tall. A lot of people like to ask me if I play pro ball I still can't dunk The weather up here? Windy. I love being tall. Everyone seems way more attracted to me.…

Instagram transcript (Day 45) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVR1bJnkUq4/ Anybody else have the masculine urge to watch the sunset with their homies? That's masculine. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Perfect…

Superhero music is inspirational, that's why I switched from lofi to Hans Zimmer as sexy time music Unironically the music from the new Spiderman movies is great sex music

#concept #undeveloped I have a clown friend who dated a supermodel But one day he criticized her job. What a clown, and not in a professional way but in the way that he'll be paying for

Instagram transcript (Day 24) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUbwD6kDVlt/ I know I would do anything to keep my hair because if you told me I had to take a suppository, I wouldn't even blink. I would…

Instagram transcript (Day 94) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXTbRdgiZ9I/ A really good friend. He's a surgeon and I was over at his place and I asked him for a brisk but he didn't hear the K.…

Instagram transcript (Day 95) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXWNttrgoNX/ I've been working out a lot recently and I don't need to blag so consider this complaint it sucked. Really hard. Um one of…

Instagram transcript (Day 83) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW3SorMFN5Q/ It takes me a while to come. Kinda hope I can do it before the end of this set.

Instagram transcript (Day 22) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUVoVPCEU9x/ Would take a bullet for somebody else. Thanks, Bob. Appreciate you. But I wouldn't take a bullet for myself. No. So, if…

My dad was mad when I got my first tattoo and that's not fair because he had me circumcised I would much rather my son come home with a tattoo than come home circumcised because If my teenage son…

#concept #undeveloped I had a threesome with my best friend But don't tell him I told you that. Because he doesn't know. He's my best friend. Also, please don't tell my other friends that I had a…

I think men would be so much healthier if we cried tears equal in volume to the amount that we cum Crying is a proper emotional release. I feel better after I cry. After I cum, I want a cigarette and…

From the bible: > [New International Version](https://biblehub.com/niv/galatians/5.htm) For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are…

The truth will not set you free truth will tie you up because you’ve been a bad bad girl

#concept #undeveloped Theo Vonn had Tony Robbins on his podcast And now there are thousands of videos clipping his podcast just saying "look at how Tony Robbins dunked on Theo Vonn's worldview" Like…

My experience with threesomes is that one type of three way is waaaay better than the other And I'm talking about a threesome with 2:1 ratio men to women 2:1 women to men is just a disaster waiting…

Instagram transcript (Day 79) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWs9gtSEtBV/ Somebody once said a lot of people know how to tie a knot but not a lot of people know how to tie a knot correctly. So me…

#concept #undeveloped You can take a lift over to Tijuana and buy any sort of boner pill, in any quality or quantity at any pharmacy. Boner pills are a commodity, but they're sold like cars off the…

Hi I'm Tim. I'm a Time Machine salesman. I sell time machines to whoever needs them, WHENEVER they need them. I only sell things I believe in, and I BELIEVE in this Time Machine. This here, is the…

Instagram transcript (Day 41) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVH4KtoDN3o/ Think like to a time traveler to someone from the future we're all pedophiles. Like we're making advancements in science.…

#concept #undeveloped You can say you're from the future because I won't believe you — you can sleep with anybody, but you can't sleep with your mom because that might create a paradox. So that's…

Instagram transcript (Day 18) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUMYyuVEUfa/ I was considering going out with this woman who sells timeshares for a living and it didn't work out because she insisted on…

If you see a profile on tinder for someone too good to be true, they're a bot Like a Netflix show made to feed the trends in data they've noticed, except when it comes to data, the discrete points we…

Tinder is like a wishing well for dating. I toss a compliment and a swipe like I drop a coin into a fountain. But I have a wish when I do both. But it's different. Could you imagine tossing a coin…

I matched with a trans woman on hinge Dw it's nothing weird I don't agree with them politically I just thought she was hot

They say you should treat your body. That's why I have incorporated as a 501c3 non-profit and I refuse to pay my taxes (for legal purposes, this is a joke. I pay my taxes. I just pay them late)…

Instagram transcript (Day 32) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUw3BDVEXcy/ Something that's really important to know about me at the age of twenty-two. Not so much right now but the age of twenty-two…

#concept #undeveloped It's weird because a lot of people who work there went through the programs. "I'm not troubled youth anymore, I'm an abusive adult. And that's allowed!"

I'm interested in true crime not because I like true crime but because it seems like true crime has a monopoly on the entire female sex. And I figured I'd take a cue from the genre. If I can act like…

My neighbor came over today and he told me he lost his turtle. And he asked me to keep an eye out for the turtle. That's so silly. If I find a turtle I'm keeping it. If your turtle manages to run…

#concept #undeveloped - Hot nurse is rubbing jelly and an ultrasound wand on some balls - Young man is nervous - Conversation - Boy gets erection - Nurse says she's seen bigger - Boy starts freaking…

When I was in college, a friend asked me to do his business homework for him. I felt weird like I was being racially profiled. I'm thinking, just because I'm Jewish, you think I could do your…

#concept #undeveloped Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for a long time because I have unrealistic expectations. Is it too much to ask for a smart woman? Like I want to get in the…

In November 2013, the Splash Lab presented "Urinal Dynamics," demonstrating with high-speed experiments that reducing the impact angle, aiming at a vertical surface, and moving closer minimize…

#concept #undeveloped Valentina Gomez running for Secretary of State in Missouri "Countries that ban rifles and flamethrowers are weak and gay" Protecting yourself with a flamethrower is a bad idea.…

I get so many ads for valentines day themed things. It's kind of ridiculous that if I don't want to be sad I need to be increasingly apathetic. If I try to be as happy about valentine's day as "Big…

#concept #undeveloped Losing all charisma and saying you're a virgin and you wanna have sex — that's what I call a virgin hail Mary

Virginity is a lot like my foreskin I haven’t had mine in a while And if I meet a woman who has hers we’re probably not compatible If I have, if I need a woman who has her, I’m deeply concerned,…

#concept #undeveloped The story of how I lost my virginity is mostly exposition. It would be much shorter otherwise. I've been learning screenwriting and if there is anything I've learned, it's that…

Instagram transcript (Day 49) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVdCeWVCQbr/ Waking up this morning was so hard. Like why is it so hard to open my eyes in the morning? Is it because my parents divorce…

I don’t trust Waymo’s They say it’s self driving because of science But I don’t buy it I think It’s ghosts I think they’re forcing people to take defensive driving courses and then killing them --…

When I open my phone, I usually check the weather app or my chase bank app; either way, I'm either pleasantly surprised or incredibly disappointed. And that's just in California. In New York, I…

#concept #undeveloped I think we smoke weed too much but we should call it the argument solver and only use it when you fix an argument or someone is in court. "In case of emergency, break this glass…

#concept #undeveloped I had to quit smoking weed Because I learned You can have negative food in your fridge

When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror for the first time that day I think "DAMN. I look good— When I haven't eaten for 10 hours" Morning time? I'm H-O-T hot Lunch time? That's when I…

The audience could follow me on instagram The audience can tell my bubbi it's okay that I'm not a doctor The audience can fall madly in love with me, until one semi-lucky supermodel is amenable to a…

When I was in college I joined a frat We had a wine tour this one year. If you don't know what that is, the group rents a bus, we each bring a date, and we have a driver bring us to several wine…

Instagram transcript (Day 15) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUD-YVvCdMg/ Afraid to get in a fight during the winter. Cuz I'm afraid I'm just going to keep the fight going for the body heat. I'm…

Instagram transcript (Day 30) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUrgUgTjJPk/ I think the wolf from the three little piggies ain't got ** on the koala man yeah let's leave it there

#concept #undeveloped It's weird that people make fun of women for being sluts That just means they are really good at making men happy. We should be more critical of men who are sluts. They are the…

Instagram transcript (Day 90) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXJGwlGlLBA/ Try to write a joke every morning before I got out of bed and it takes me a really time to get out of bed so I could usually…

I was separated from women for 10 years. So I love when I meet a woman period. A lot of men would say I'm a simp, and they're right. I am a total simp. Did you know that single men die earlier and…

I'm allergic to cats, so when I meet a woman and I find out she has a cat, - I need to make a decision about whether or not this woman is worth giving up air. The amount of times I've met a woman so…

My toxic trait is that I go out with girls who have cats even though I'm super allergic. I'll say shit like "you take my breath away" when really it's just the cat that does that. And it sucks…

I wrestled in high school My freshman year I went 0-19. My dad came to one match and saw me get pinned in 25 seconds And he was so disappointed. He said: "I drove 49 minutes to watch you last 25…

#concept #undeveloped I don't identify with most of the yelp reviews I see on the website I mean for one, I don't really go anywhere willingly except for parkour and gymnastics gyms and the only…

I used to spend all day arguing with rabbis "Do you agree with me on this god thing?" "I don't know!" I'm a software engineer so these days I spend all day arguing with myself in front of a computer…

ADHD and Mental Health A deeply personal category with some of the most developed, layered material. ADHD is not just a topic but a lens — the way David moves between ideas, the hyperfocusing, the…

AI and Tech Comedy David works in health tech (MDCalc) and has watched the AI boom from inside the industry. This gives him genuine technical credibility on the subject, which makes the comedy…

Best Ideas — Curated These are the most developed, most promising, and most distinctive concepts across the vault. Ranked loosely by development level and uniqueness. Tier 2: Strong Premise, Needs…

Characters David has a strong instinct for character work, developed through clown training, improv (Groundlings), and stand-up. Characters appear in sketch form, as recurring personas in bits, and…

Circus and Physical Comedy This is David's biggest differentiator as a comedian. He can juggle, do acrobatics, backflips, handstands, and stilts — and he's been working to integrate these skills into…

Dating Apps and Tech Comedy A distinct sub-theme that sits at the intersection of relationships and technology. David has written seriously about building a dating platform and also mined the…

Future and Sci-Fi Bits The "Jew from the Future" persona is one of David's most fully realized characters. The FUTURE megafile is the central document — a long, multi-section piece with both "spoken"…

Claude Brain — Master Index This knowledge base was synthesized from ~2,100 Apple Notes. It maps the major themes, categories, and patterns across David Mendelovits's comedy writing, character work,…

Jewish Identity This is one of the most developed thematic pillars in the vault. The material spans childhood, religious schooling, leaving observance, antisemitism, cultural identity, and the…

One-Liners > Master wiki of one-liner jokes from Apple Notes. Compiled from 35+ source files. How to use this - Performing: Jump straight to Tier 1 for a quick hit list. Tier 2 needs a word or two…

Recurring Themes and Patterns This article maps the cross-cutting obsessions, structural moves, and signature patterns that appear across the vault regardless of topic. These are the building blocks…

Self-Deprecation and Insecurity David's comedy persona is built around a specific kind of insecurity: not self-pity, but self-aware absurdity. He's not whining — he's doing forensic analysis of his…

Set Lists and Show Notes A significant portion of the vault (perhaps 40%+) consists of performance logistics: set maps, show runsheets, mic notes, class transcripts, and post-show feedback. These are…

Sex and Dating The largest thematic area by note count. David's comedy persona is earnest, horny, slightly chaotic, and deeply self-aware about the gap between his aspirations and his reality. The…

City Life — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by Riding your bike in LA versus New York it's so different. Like in LA if a car honked at you you look at…

Dating Apps & Being Single — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I don't mean to brag but I have 4 unread messages on hinge Took me a whole month…

Health & Body — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I recently learned that one cause of physical erectile dysfunction. Riding your bike more than six…

Bits Index — Claude Brain > Auto-generated index of all bit files. Extracted from Apple Notes dated files and topic files. > Last updated: 2026-04-04 ----|------|-----------| | All-boys Jewish…

Jewish School — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I love old Jewish men Because while I know they're always going to have an attitude I actually don't…

Meta-Comedy — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I myself made comedian I am a self-made comedian So if you don't like any of these jokes Totally my…

Misc & Absurdist — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by An apple a day keeps the doctor away But I like to plan ahead So I plant an apple seed a day…

Physical Comedy & Circus — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by So a lot of my friends have been very supportive about me doing comedy But when they find…

Politics & Culture — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by The fall of the ussr was a tragedy It lasted 68 years and 356 days They were so close Gorbachev…

Relationships — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I'm not on speaking terms with my dad. I even think he knows that I do comedy And it's probably for…

Sex & Dating — Raw Bits > Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by I recently learned that one cause of physical erectile dysfunction. Riding your bike more than six…