homeowners

I'm never gonna own a house

Not because of the ever-growing wage gap

but because I'm afraid of any living space larger than a studio apartment

that's too much space I can't see at all times

In order for me to go to sleep, I need to be able to secure the perimeter

I've been house sitting a wonderful home in the valley.

Terrifying.

it's big and empty and there are 4 points of entry.

several times a night I check that the doors are locked and I have to check 4 doors.

And I do that like 4 times a night.

there's this sliding glass door that looks into a beautiful backyard with no lights and I look through that thing like a dozen times a night

just suspicious that someone will break in through the backyard and as I'm looking, I just hope I see someone now instead of later.

Please break in at like 10pm so I can calm down and go to sleep

if you break in at 1-2AM I swear to god I will use the gun I don't have

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I don’t need an underneath the door

Or underneath a bed

Or even an underneath a house

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I think that’s why we have so many adult roommates

It’s because living in a home is scary

that guy with a mattress on the floor?

He's afraid of monsters! fuck him so he can go to sleep —

Living in a house is scary because you are on the ground floor

Every horror movie? In a house or a cabin

Doesn’t matter as long as it’s accessible by someone who doesn’t like stairs

I miss New York because I could live on a floor above the ground

I have never felt as safe as I did living in a 5 floor walk up

No serial killer, homeless person is going to walk up 5 flights of stairs

And if he does? Good for him, he can have my apartment and do whatever he wants with me. I’ll even split the rent to make shit easier for him

Plus? On the ground floor of my apartment is a deli

That homeless person is going there first

Serial killer? When presented with the opportunity to have a great chopped cheese from Mohammed’s son Mohammed, I like my odds

I once stayed in a building with a doorman

I felt so safe

If he’s made it up to my apartment, this man isn’t so socially awkward he couldn’t check in

But in a house, you can be seen from the street

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I’m in this house alone, in the corner bedroom and I hear the house settled

I pee a little bit

When the house settles

I become unsettled

What does it mean the house settles?!? Like it’s just done for the day?

Is the house like me in bed trying to find the right position?

The haunted house addendum: I actually don't think the house is haunted. Reasonably, I think maybe the owner's kid snuck in and smoked a joint — that's sort of why I found a loose rolling paper and some things moved around. And the automatic lights — could be an animal passing by, or just a malfunction with the wind and a piece of debris. The blood on the walls? That just happens sometimes. The house settles, things shift around in the wall, and a little bit of plasma just leaks out. Not that big a deal.

The 5th floor walk-up addendum: When I lived in the fifth floor walk up I felt so safe and secure. Making it up those stairs at night is so difficult because all of my downstairs neighbors are cunts and they hate any noise. They get mad I'm coming home super late — hey listen, you should've taken the top floor. Maybe if you weren't so fat and willing to walk up a few flights of stairs, you wouldn't have to worry about an intruder breaking into your apartment before mine. Nobody's walking up five flights of stairs to steal shit from my apartment or murder me. That's one motivated thief/serial killer.

If I'm gonna get taken out by a killer, I want it to be a serial killer. I don't wanna get killed by somebody who doesn't know what he's doing. What does that say about me that I'm easy to kill? I wanna get killed by somebody so good at killing people that everyone just thinks I'm missing. Like: "oh that person was killed by the Zodiac killer." That was a skilled guy who was never caught. He got to die and not by suicide by cop — that's pretty cool.

For the thief — stealing something from a fifth floor apartment, that is a very stupid but intelligent thief. Stupid because of the target, intelligent because making it work is a tremendous amount of work. I wanted to move into a fifth floor walk up and I was like: I'm never moving out, because it was so difficult to move in.

- Biking horse lane — LA living material - Uber quiet mode — transportation/city life