Negation

Any Jews in here?

Golden bachelor casting director reviewing the first round of candidates:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVKvCJTDcAU/

I wanted to be a mechanic but when they found out I was Jewish they said no

I'd date a comic but my penis doesn't work right now and I don't need everyone to know that

I tried ghosting my AI girlfriend but I couldn't.

If you're trying to Netflix and chill

Aang is proof that you can backflip over your problems.

I don't like going to the dentist for the same reason I don't like eating on first dates

I don't identify with most of the yelp reviews I see on the website

I matched with a trans woman on hinge

Software is sometimes like comedy. You gotta clown, and then you need to think pragmatically and edit.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWI__hEFLcN/

Yeah the elephant in the room: I'm tall.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWlHahciYuP/

I used to spend all day arguing with rabbis

What do you do when you catch your friends cheating? Do you tell people you know? Believe it or not, I can kee

Are you an asker or a guesser?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVibWQLClfr/

if something isn't funny, can you please fake it?

I had a threesome with my best friend

I feel like as a Jew, you've gotta mask your horniness in a willingness to procreate.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXjldFQjsD1/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVfrwUGlBk3/

a friend of a friend can't cum because of anti-depressants and to make girls feel better

A friend of mine recently started doing comedy after a breakup. I thought: this is a great origin story!

My experience with threesomes is that one type of three way is waaaay better than the other

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWyHOrUjhaX/

These women in relationships with gay guys.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWYUkZkCSpH/

I've been thinking about going into the sperm industry.

Arguing with rabbis about God → arguing with code that won't compile. Structurally identical. Mom still doesn'

- I have had so many STDS antibiotics don't work on me anymore

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVR1bJnkUq4/

You can say you're from the future because I won't believe you — you can sleep with anybody, but you can't sle

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW8hCVeEYov/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWntPt5gfuh/

Ideas for pants for Acro:

If you see a profile on tinder for someone too good to be true, they're a bot

They say actions matter more than intentions, but that's the wrong point to make! You can fuck things up by do

I got a new smart watch

The truth will not set you free

I'm Jewish so

Pro tip for those of you who (whom?) work at an office:

On an AI dating app. It asks "why not?" when you swipe no — which starts to border on therapy. Ends up wanting

I’m Jewish, but I can’t date Jewish women.

Men love being called the man

Is there anybody in the audience who does not like vaccines — like you're concerned about the way they're regu

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVvAfBHmaTK/

I got my first handjob in a New Jersey public park baseball field dugout

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW-79J-CE0i/

I lost my virginity to a rabbi

I never know what's gonna go viral on instagram

I volunteered this Christmas at skid row on 5th & San Pedro.

I'm not one to kiss and tell

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVMFGffiguh/

People have been riding this chatGPT hype in 2 ways:

Worst part about being circumcised is walking around knowing I can't undo it

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUVoVPCEU9x/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUMYyuVEUfa/

I'm so insecure that if you hired a cyber security company to run a penetration test

There are actually another 603

The townspeople like to talk about even if they haven't seen them

Not that my penis is small

I like to compare my sex life to the career of a French language movie star.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXTbRdgiZ9I/

I'm afraid of the L train because sometimes it gets stuck with another train in front of it and I'm afraid I'm

Pole dancers feel no pain. They feel nothing at all. Have you ever seen a robot themed pole act that was almos

I don't get ghosted.

I'm interested in true crime not because I like true crime but because it seems like true crime has a monopoly

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXWNttrgoNX/

I've been on this AI dating app

The talk with my dad was short.

Arguing with a rabbi is like a boss battle you know you're going to lose because it's kind of hard to argue a

I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWs9gtSEtBV/

Because I'm Jewish, I got a lot of friends from high school that have the last names Epstein and Weinstein.

Virginity is a lot like my foreskin

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWTAVHeEQDO/

Great place. Teaches kids about the real world. Fun games don't win prizes. If you lose; eat some pizza. You c

A lot of us are upset that our taxpayer dollars go to the military industrial complex but without it we wouldn

It's weird because a lot of people who work there went through the programs.

I have an idea for a pick up line. I'm not sure it'll work

At the top of the show, I'm usually very nervous and I was thinking if one of you wants to help me not be so n

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXBz6M_AaNn/

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for a long time because I have unrealistic expectations.

Blackface is a thing of the past; makeup is cool and all but why would I paint a black face when I can just us

I like talking about statistics but I'm almost positive that every time I say the word 'statistics', every one

I have an opinion about people's opinions on abortion.

It's the exception to the rule: smoking weed is taking the thing you love and killing it with fire

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXbbvYzFXZz/

The story of how I lost my virginity is mostly exposition.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWa8EAcCWLx/

I think if somebody licks their fingers at the table, you gotta lick your fingers too

I got hit when I was a kid

I've heard that women have less orgasms than men

If you watch porn you're a cuck

Heelies are how I communicate that I am both a good time and an accidental pregnancy

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUYqrVRDN4l/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVYDxePiaC4/

I'm nothing like Hitler, except I also like to paint, I like hikes, and I occasionally wear my mustache for ye

I think we’re all too gay for Ryan Gosling.

So I'm Jewish (surprise) and I'm what my high school rabbis would call 'off the derech' — off the path.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWvwig2ijgL/

Super

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVH4KtoDN3o/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV-b1JjjMta/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV5bBOTlC-6/

Okay, hear me out.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUw3BDVEXcy/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTfmjyGFC4Z/

When you learn to backflip everyone assumes you want to do it all the time. And that's frustrating.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWBELtVjdQU/

Isn't it interesting that Johnny Bravo sort of modeled today's bachelor? Jacked as fuck, rizzed to the teeth,

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

You guys ever look at someone's butt

Frats get a bad rep. And that's because they are kind of bad.

Every men in here has measured his penis, more than once

It takes me a while to cum

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVGxxjnEUYk/

Sometimes drivers will get mad at me for biking on the road even if I have a bike lane. I think they just don'

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

Sometimes I'll give a woman the ick and a I'll realize-

The "Jew from the Future" persona is one of David's most fully realized characters. The [[FUTURE megafile]] is

Loves meeting women with boyfriends. No pressure, get to practice listening, get to be a third wheel, get goss

Neo Nazis are interesting

I get so many ads for valentines day themed things. It's kind of ridiculous that if I don't want to be sad I n

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWdaY06DOSM/

In Judaism, we don’t have the concept of a born again Jew like you have born against Christians

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWf2a_wDqHc/

David's comedy persona is built around a specific kind of insecurity: not self-pity, but self-aware absurdity.

What if a 2 year old was sentient and asking adult questions while all the other two year olds were talking li

I want to get a dog, but I don't know if it's worth the risk. Like what are the odds my dog becomes an Instagr

Thank god for autocorrect or I would never be able to spell acquaintance.

I have a clown friend who dated a supermodel

So I grew up in this somewhat Jewish family — which means I had to learn a lot about dating on the go. And on

I have a foot kink

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWik-xCD0a3/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVAaJPZAgyH/

A friend of mine is a comic who said that I need more of an edge

There's this Jewish tradition where you put rocks on the your dead relative's headstone

- Hot nurse is rubbing jelly and an ultrasound wand on some balls

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT8xyWjDFjW/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

----

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW50kK3gt8g/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTibvfkjSdM/

As a kid I didn't want people meeting my parents because I was embarrassed by them. As an adult I love when pe

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXY1HusDhIG/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUzNo2YADnr/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVsf7tdDSY9/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

This is David's biggest differentiator as a comedian. He can juggle, do acrobatics, backflips, handstands, and

If you ask a woman if she's faked an orgasm, the answer is probably yes

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV0N_uMAKnE/

From the bible:

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

I've been staying in this house by myself

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVDCe8ilJPI/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

Comedian who's a mohel on the side.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUbwD6kDVlt/

It must be crazy hard to get a PhD in sexology. Just staying up all night to study sex.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

People keep accusing me of using chatGPT to send them messages. But really I'm just very thoughtful in the way

Are you on the apps? I'm on the apps. I love them. Chess.com, lichess, grindr

I want to work hard so I can become the type of man who deserves to marry a woman he doesn't deserve

What do you guys think about the relationship between spaghetti and meatballs?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWLwn6_gd_U/

Here are some excuses to look at the girl's butt

I've been finding made in China tags on everything I own. Sometimes I get nervous that I'm just gonna find a m

The bigger the penis the harder it is to aim

My toxic trait is that I go out with girls who have cats even though I'm super allergic.

Because he doesn't realize that you need to build an orgasm like you renovate a house

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXD_y2DEg5K/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU1mP9glRV2/

I'm never gonna own a house

**Murphy's Law**: what can go wrong will go wrong.

I believe in aliens but am I the only one that thinks they've ding-dong ditched us?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXeDWebjRga/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUD-YVvCdMg/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

So these are a bunch of dad jokes

I could travel back in time to see Bill Cosby while he was still on TV playing Dr. Huxtable

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUTEzS9D2sC/

A lot of guys don't call their mom enough.

Sometimes I see a thirst trap on social media and I can't help but think classic guy things.

I went out with someone

This article maps the cross-cutting obsessions, structural moves, and signature patterns that appear across th

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUG3hogjK7X/

A distinct sub-theme that sits at the intersection of relationships and technology. David has written seriousl

Growing up, I went to an all-boys Jewish private school, and for almost nine years, I was completely separated

There is a pornstar who goes by Anne Frank

I was separated from women for 10 years.

Parents have not seen their 5 year old in months.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT5gUmPiemT/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVQZgqYiXpP/

Valentina Gomez running for Secretary of State in Missouri

I don't like condoms

I don't like condoms

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXRM7k8iFC1/

In sixth grade my friend was talking about pornography — and he used the word "pornography" because to an 11-y

I matched with a woman

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTtYZRSgd4V/

I went to Staten Island for a rim job

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUBz3j1lVv3/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVp44CvAcnZ/

I like boobs as much as I liked dragons when I was 10 years old

I'm not gay but if you put Ryan Gosling in a film and play the right music, I'll seriously start questioning m

Allergic to cats. When a woman has a cat, have to decide if she's worth giving up air. This spirals into aller

ADHD acronym:

I don't get why "crowd pleaser" is a good movie review

I'm allergic to cats, so when I meet a woman and I find out she has a cat,

Went 0-19 freshman year of wrestling. Dad watched me get pinned in 25 seconds. Two years later, got revenge on

I once got into an argument with my parents about abortion. I was 15 and heard the word a couple of times, and

A digest of all new writing in the two weeks leading up to Netflix is a Joke. Organized by theme, with develop

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXOgtHNlKc4/

A lot of guys will brag about being able to make a woman come

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DULqXQXEYHt/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUoU8wciccS/

Dating is awesome and it sucks. For women, I imagine when it rains it pours, and it's always raining. It's rai

You can learn the intimate details about me on stage or after sex during pillow talk. Either way it's a 2 drin

I'm really upset about this wife thing

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU42r1mDSXm/

**Thursday and the Staten Island story**

> A bunch of stuff that either qualifies or is close to a one-liner. Compiled from 35+ source files. Source wi

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVkw95Uldr1/

Portal in New York reopens but I want to see a portal from New York to LA and more portals.

The place the Bible says sodomy was invented.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

The perfect compliment for men:

The largest thematic area by note count. David's comedy persona is earnest, horny, slightly chaotic, and deepl

This is one of the most developed thematic pillars in the vault. The material spans childhood, religious schoo

Hugh Hefner if he had a mustache:

Every guy notices when a girl has nipple piercings, and I'm sure they know that men are staring at their tits

I have ADHD, but not like your regular ADHD.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWOEI9MEmyu/

I am an anxious optimist.

When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror for the first time that day

A deeply personal category with some of the most developed, layered material. ADHD is not just a topic but a l

I can hear my neighbors yelling when I'm in my bathroom

It's weird that people make fun of women for being sluts

Boeing employees suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max.

Whenever I see a hot person, I wanna be a better man.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWVoGNPClUP/

They say you should treat your body.

My dad was mad when I got my first tattoo

There are 2 types of men

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUdy59ZDJ8r/

Horny resume. It's a lot like filling out a resume when you're looking for a job because you NEED one. You're

David works in health tech (MDCalc) and has watched the AI boom from inside the industry. This gives him genui

I feel like I have a lot to say about erectile dysfunction

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUOGqilDZ-p/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVao_yjjwVV/

When I open my phone, I usually check the weather app or my chase bank app; either way, I'm either pleasantly

When I was in college I joined a frat

A while ago Uber added this feature where you can put your preference that you don't wanna talk to the driver.

It's crazy that being white comes with privilege. Like somewhere along the line, the narrative became somethin

I think men would be so much healthier if we cried tears equal in volume to the amount that we cum

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU8gi2giAqf/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUi7UaFkfxz/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXJGwlGlLBA/

Diagnosed with ADHD at 6 → Adderall prescription → basically the school drug dealer. Who bullies their drug de

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVnA04SFFE6/

ADHD doesn't go away — it's like herpes. And the comparison keeps going from there.

I'm such an optimist I purchased an Amazon condom subscription.

Tonight I met this cute girl

I wrestled in high school

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU6C6l5iFih/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT_z0E3ga-6/

David has a strong instinct for character work, developed through clown training, improv (Groundlings), and st

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXL13j4Eb1D/

I want a doctor who takes naps

Schindler's List only has 98% on Rotten Tomatoes

The audience could follow me on instagram

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVU5e_ljsr8/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTqHBQWky_j/

So I almost went out with this woman who was a tattoo artist

The NYC ferry is amazing mostly because once a day, I get to be a pirate. Did you know that every ferry has a

These are the most developed, most promising, and most distinctive concepts across the vault. Ranked loosely b

Having ADHD is great. Even if I'm distractible, my mind works in an interesting way and brings me interesting

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 6 makes no sense — a 6-year-old with ADHD is just a regular 6-year-old. The docto

Put my finger in my mouth — it's gonna seem sexual but it's really not — and explain to the crowd that I'm add

George started a boxing class and I think that's great… because he has a very punchable face

So I don’t respect anybody who plays fantasy football

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT0WvvED5lI/

> Auto-generated index of all bit files. Extracted from Apple Notes dated files and topic files.

I think in order to get approved for a loan, you should show them your guest bathroom

I don’t trust Waymo’s

**Sex Ed**

I saw a homeless person walking around with a sword

I recently went to the grocery and discovered Shaq gummies.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 years old

I'm Jewish and I like Israel, but I don't think it's the only option for a homeland

Clap it up if you follow girl code or guy code

This knowledge base was synthesized from ~2,100 Apple Notes. It maps the major themes, categories, and pattern

A significant portion of the vault (perhaps 40%+) consists of performance logistics: set maps, show runsheets,

> If you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time y

Being raised by immigrants is hard but being raised by people raised by immigrants is pretty messed up too

I want to be a rabbi or a pastor just so I can have hot sex that I have to hide from god

Age is just a number

Fanart used to be easily picked out or at least hard enough to do that I only found it if I was ready to scrol

Have you heard that sometimes if you're an asshole to them bartenders will spit in your drink

I can maim 2 birds with one stone

The reverse strip tease

Californians are everywhere which is odd considering we came out west on the 1800s.

I only eat one cereal for a while. Like I only ate pops for like two years in high school.. and then I ate coo

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW0pndBjeEJ/

I'll call my therapist crying about something

I like to count my calories

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXHAMTvCAgu/

I started ordering Dominos when I'm lazy and my roommate gained 5 lbs. Talk about a Domino's effect

I recently found out that Doctor Strange isn’t a gynecologist.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTl7SPJD00G/

My ex girlfriend told me she faked all her orgasms, but they were real to me

Have been thinking about soaking my own ass, but one of the only things that’s stopping me is that we had such

I think I might be a prude. I can only get off in missionary

if I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking cigarettes, I'd smoke that cigarette

In Germany they will put you in prison if you draw a swastika. Well in second grade I drew a lot of them becau

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWQhpibgE6W/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT3ych5AizC/

Do you think if you tell people that you're on your way to therapy, they'll be mean to you because you're in t

I grew up on goosebumps

Gorilla glue then gorilla tape. What's next?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXgqmLJICwa/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUQhVHHj-kS/

Hitler had a threesome with Eva Braun and a Jewish super model who knew astrophysics and was a virgin. She was

My legs aren’t shaking because I’m nervous

My friend told me I should write about the iron dome

The rabbi, 25 years old and ready to start his life teaching faith

Jewish private school

If I smell I'm sorry. That's anxiety sweat. I put on deodorant, but my anxiety is stronger than the deodorant

I have a good relationship with my managers because I love kissing ass. Sorry-

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTxoEfcDMWt/

When men get together, they'd rather build a trebuchet than talk

You think mohels followed their dreams?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV8CH_CARRZ/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV3Jui7Ej4N/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVxjNyugX5L/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTu9txJDFAb/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUlL-GElXoA/

I've been thinking about pretending to be bisexual to get a job at a pro DEI corporation.

My senior year of high school: I went to an all boys Jewish private school. I thought it would be a great idea

So remember when I was in yeshiva — a Rabbi told me an argument in favor of waiting until marriage: if you sle

I got a job in real estate accounting software

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUgRBmdjJP2/

I've been single for so long my mattress has retained its resale value

I hope the sex robots look like those coco delivery robots

One of the hardest parts about writing a joke about having a small penis is that

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUt8MvrlNkI/

CEO of snoop's smokeless stove was fired for poor sales

I wear a condom out spite for my father

I love the noun "nut"

So one of my favorite parts about stand-up specials is the opening.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWDe8PeE9A4/

Superhero music is inspirational, that's why I switched from lofi to Hans Zimmer as sexy time music

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW3SorMFN5Q/

Theo Vonn had Tony Robbins on his podcast

You can take a lift over to Tijuana and buy any sort of boner pill, in any quality or quantity at any pharmacy

Hi

Tinder is like a wishing well for dating. I toss a compliment and a swipe like I drop a coin into a fountain.

My neighbor came over today and he told me he lost his turtle.

When I was in college, a friend asked me to do his business homework for him. I felt weird like I was being ra

In November 2013, the Splash Lab presented "Urinal Dynamics," demonstrating with high-speed experiments that r

Losing all charisma and saying you're a virgin and you wanna have sex — that's what I call a virgin hail Mary

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVdCeWVCQbr/

I think we smoke weed too much but we should call it the argument solver and only use it when you fix an argum

I had to quit smoking weed

Wet dreams are cool because I wake up as soon as I come.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUrgUgTjJPk/