Why I can't get hard

I went out with someone

And I couldn't rise to the occasion - not a very original way to say it. Perhaps I should find one though.

"sorry me-love. little me can't stay for tea time"

And she said it’s OK

And I knew in that moment

, it was not OK

But I didn't want her to think it was her fault so I was just like

"it's not you babe."

I can’t get hard in bed.

Unless I love and adore you.

That sucks because I think sometimes people think like is it me like she’ll she’ll wonder if I can’t get hard because of her

And I have to be like yes, it is you

I just think you’re high and apparently that’s not enough

Kind of sucks because I think that like, it’s really hard to develop that chemistry without having sex

It’s like a chicken and the egg type thing

The answer is neither of us because I couldn’t get enough to convince you this is gonna work out

But I’ve just been going around telling people I can’t get hard because of the war anytime there’s a war in the Middle East. I can’t get hard.

I haven’t been hard since before we invaded Afghanistan

Yeah, I’m against the war in Israel, Palestine

Because the plate of the Palestinians now become the plate of my sex life

Can I have sex with Jewish baddies because they don’t like that I don’t condemn the palace to you people and that I questioned the tactics of these Israeli military

But I also have sex with liberal baddies in a democratic socialist because they don’t like that I won’t denounce Israel

I kind of have sex with Israeli women because I think they all think I’m a huge pussy

So all that’s left is having sex with myself

But I don’t even wanna touch myself because I’m not happy with my opinion on the war either

You guys yes I don’t like that we were we were in Palestine and I don’t like that. We’re in Reid right now guys call your congress.

Call your congressman and tell him to pull out of Iran so I could pull out of you

Sorry, no call your congressman. I’m not gonna call your congressman so I can.

Cream pie is you?

Call your congressman to my My. Sperm can die for Jihad the Holy War that is what I’m doing.

—

Telling people you like feet is a lot like telling somebody you like Nickelback

It’s a lot weirder when you announce it to a whole group of people

This speak to me telling you this on stage feels just as weird as if I went up in front of a whole group of people and it’s like everybody I like Nickelback

It’s sucks when people know this about you

And this is one of the only things you guys know about me

That I would suck on your toes if there wasn’t a war in the Middle East right now

All right, I’m just I just feel like I gotta like do something big like make the 10th Quentin Tarantino film

I’ve had to become a Hollywood big wig

It feels like I kinda have to make up for the fact that I like feet

As far as fetishes go, there are a lot worse

—- I’m not gonna be able to make you cum until we’ve reopened the straight of hormuz

And you know, I think we all know about sex. You wanna be the person to be able to make that other person come

With your guy that’s like a lot of you’re a girl who’s like listen if you don’t come, I will murder you

Well, always trying to like be that person like we wanna know that we want to feel confident in our skills and so secretly not so secretly but I’m hoping it’s gonna happen

Is that either a woman is going to try to work so hard that I don’t need the war I ran to end the order to have sent her

Or she’s gonna go ahead and try to solve a war

She’s gonna go top of the regime just because she can’t

And yes, I am very much down to give that person in my life. I don’t care if you’re able to hold it over me for the rest of the time we’re alive.

I’ll take out the trash you took out the booties yeah I’m down. You actually ended the war in Lebanon.

Sometimes when I’m on a first date, I’ll have it for anxiety just isn’t very nervous. New person. I feel like I really want to impress them and then by thinking about how much I want to impress them I’m pretty much dreaming myself for not being able to impress.

My strategy has been I spent a lot of time on foreplay. I go down there. I do a killer job.

Or so, they say

This is me they miss me

There is me and I don’t recognize is there I don’t even identify as

They

And done two months ago, I went home with somebody gorgeous beautiful wonderful lady

Who did not have an opinion on the war between his own Palestine perfect perso

And I was having trouble

Getting hard with the condom on

But I didn’t want to blame it on the condom because that would’ve been manipulative and wrong

She wants to wear a condom. I’ll wear a condom.

And anything but my dick, I put it on my forehead before I put it on my dick

So instead of what I said was, hey babe I’m sorry I can’t get hard. There’s a war going on right now.

So my strategy right now is just been a lot of time doing foreplay and then once I get them there or even if I don’t

I just say actually I’m so tired right now

M no I’m kidding. I’m honest I talk about how I struggle with him.

It was pouring in masturbation and being self-conscious and really I can only get hard if I love and adore somebody and they love and adore me

It’s very feminine. It’s very feminine of my dick. It’s ironic that the most feminine part about me is this.