Bits

An apple a day keeps the doctor away But I like to plan ahead So I plant an apple seed a day

22w

I want to have kids someday Only problem is that you have to make them And if you adopt, you have to keep them? I wish you can rent children, Like rent the runway? Try a kid on for an event and then send it to someone who thinks a colored kid will look good on them

57w

I used to go out with this women who told me that she likes "princess treatment" So I locked her in a tower, guarded by a dragon

27w

Some diseases are named after the person who discovered them. Like Alzheimer's was named after Alois Alzheimer. And some are named after the people who had it Lou Gehrig's disease? He just had it.…

54w

Some typos are worse than other When fuck is autocorrected to duck That's funny When :) is autocorrected to ;) That's too much

23w

My impression of a Catskills comedian from the perspective of a 7 year old: "The soup is good!" "This hotel is nice but more expensive than it should be"

29w

I wish bottomless brunch meant like a bottomless stack of pancakes Why is it more socially acceptable to get super stupid drunk at noon But I can't have a pancake belly and take a nap until 4 PM

38w

I like take naps because I prefer to watch my dreams at the matinee 2 hours cost instead of 6+hours cost

21w

My dreams are so suspenseful I don't drink anything before I go to sleep because I don't want to miss anything good

22w

I miss smoking cigarettes because nobody looks at somebody smoking cigarettes and wonder what's wrong with them outside of The whole smoking cigarettes thing Especially at night like…

85w

I sexually identify as an overthinker Maybe I'm gay? I've kissed a guy and didn't mind

16w

I love that Google has that dinosaur jump video game "Sorry you are disconnected from all information ever. Here's an 8 bit dinosaur to remember how their extinct

28w

God made Adam super tall. And after they ate the apple, he made them shorter

15w

Sometimes I catch myself judging gay people for dressing so gay Like tube tops and lipstick Like that's kind of a lot. Can't you be gay without all that?…

56w

I think we think we tell if someone is gay by looking at this Because Gay people have this look on their face That look that says they can finally be themselves Which, if this is right, means That straight men are hiding something Maybe they're hiding that they like anime

51w

I saw a women with her son on the train And he had this book of Pokémon And she was pointing at the Pokémon with a pencil…

90w

I forgot my watch at home, so I have no idea- how long my baby has been in the car This hypothetical must be confusing for y'all…

62w

I've been meaning to try that joke out for like a week now. And every single time I get up on stage I'm like, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it, and I forget. I subscribe to an OnlyFans creator's sub stack.…

115w

I like magicians because they make lying cool It's okay to lie if it's about something people shouldn't believe in the first place.

23w

Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream Not all dreams are created equal I also had a dream I slept with my friend's mom

24w

Salt is a great food preservative Which is why I don't get when people call people who are upset, salty Like "hey, you look like you could keep my food fresh for a long time" "Let's make jerky together"

39w

I think it's weird when people carry cigarettes and a vape That's like carrying a gun and a blow dart That's like carrying around a book, but also a pamphlet (I just need to do some light reading right now)

40w

My shadow represents everything I could be: Tall, dark, and invisible at night I'd love to be invisible Mostly because being invisible let's you haunt people without being dead Like I would love to haunt people But I also don't want to be dead

44w

A girl once asked me what my body count was I didn't want to tell her Not because I'm a murderer Or because I'm a prude But because I'm hella smooth with the ladies and I can't remember

38w

So you might've noticed that a lot of times were like stores and restaurants will do is leave their lights on overnight As a deterrent from thieves, because you know that somebody walking by will see them, and they won't…

111w

My favorite part about chekhov's gun is that it doesn't have to be a gun If the writer wants to show you. Murderous tellitubby That Telly tubby is going to murder…

65w

Did you know you can lock your sms app with your Face ID? Like an extra lock on top of the lock for your phone Cheaters take note. And girlfriends of cheaters, step up your game Hire a private investigator and steal your boyfriend's credit card to pay for it

50w

I don't do blessings You can't spell 'bless' without 'less' That's why I bmore

14w

Addendum to the haunted house bit. What would the house need in order for you to buy it even if it was haunted? Would you buy the Diddy home even if it was hunted by all that baby oil because it had 10 bedrooms did you b…

87w

Is everyone else having kung fu dreams? Is it racist that I play Jackie Chan in my dreams and I do the Asian voice? Is it only racist if you dont actually don't want trouble. If you want trouble, then it's 100% racist…

97w

I love the saying "with all due respect" Because it's usually followed by something disrespectful And while you're trying to soften the blow, we are actually saying this is all the respect you deserve you piece of shit…

90w

Dreams are so incredibly interesting They represent what we say we want when we're awake And they also represent what we want when we're asleep…

60w

I think if we could live forever, we'd all be very good at the crossword puzzle Because if you live to 2000 years old, you better know all the words We'll probably run out of words for wordle The last valid game will probably be Russian roulette

47w

I think the reason time travelers haven't come back to see us is because they could live forever and we're babies to them Like they're thousand years old or something and we're like on the upper end 90 to 100 years old E…

69w

I don't run a tight ship What's the opposite of a tight ship. Is it a loose cannon?

18w

Guys! Girls! We're so different Girls look in the mirror and do something about it. Guys look in the mirror and we're like. Okay I can still pass for a rectangle, let's goooo

33w

The term easy on the eyes is weird "I don't mind looking at you." "I can only look at you because it's not hard. If it were even medium effort to look at you, I wouldn't"

36w

I don't believe in ownership of other people But if another man calls me, my guy I'm his guy I love about this to my guy, but I love about this term is that it's not even specific

38w

Remember how we started sexualizing abs It started with Brad Pitt And then all of a sudden, a bunch of men got abs…

111w

Some people use mental models to make decisions Whenever somebody tells you about mental models, you know that person is not fun to hang around Because they're either a nerd…

142w

Weed makes things harder. But if you smoke all the time it also makes things feel easier. It makes you think you're better at the thing than you are High pilot High guy at the dispensary

36w

I had to quit smoking weed Because I realized my fridge just couldn't survive the munchies Like the last time I smoked weed…

72w

I quit smoking weed so I could get laid more And it's worked But I think that's because I stopped thinking high thoughts And I stopped liking things I liked while I was high Like I quit smoking and I stopped watching anime

43w

I grew up on goosebumps I do lines of cocaine with a flock of geese -> I love goosebumps. Who doesn't love doing cocaine with geese? It's better than doing ketamine with ducks I'll tell ya -> this is why in duck duck goose: the goose chases you. It's the cocaine

51w

I like to hit on men I'm not gay I just think we could use the ego boost…

68w

I feel like I never don't wanna see a girl Like if I see a woman in the distance, I'll fuck there is a woman in the distance. This is great. But I feel like we don't. The same thing doesn't apply to me doesn't apply to m…

102w

If transitions were quicker, people would look at you and realize the only thing that's changed if your appearance and maybe that would end misogyny at misandry —> Instant transitions, like a vaccine would obviously stil…

62w

I don't do drugs anymore Instead I deprive myself of sleep and guys It's awesome Insomnia induced psychosis is a lot like tripping

23w

Ai chatbots have memory now And it's going to be a strong memory It won't forget Years will go by and you'll still be able to look things up Like all the chats you started in and out of a relationship

41w

I should be at work Letting AI do my job for me I like ai because I can finally use my computer with my voice…

66w

Is anyone else afraid they're going to find out they're AI? I think the scariest part of simulation theory is the feeling that that it we are simulations, isn't that pretty much AI? We're just open claw. AM I just a prog…

112w

I used to share an office with the software company Call dieta health It was an AI company that essentially helped you understand your gut health…

60w

I tried making an ai video of my day saying "I love you" But it wasn't believable Too enthusiastic And I would know Because my dad says I love you

30w

People have been publishing all these different prompts for ChatGPT "Use this prompt to completely transform your usage of ChatGPT!" But it won't always work It kind of feels like they're giving bad parenting advice "Teach your kids to talk about your feelings"

43w

Sleeping with the blinds down is a brave move. It's like saying you're either going to will yourself out of bed without the help of natural light, or you're gonna get a lot more sleep than you bargained fo -> waking up without natural light is… unnatural

47w

I want to try a polycule I would love to see what it's like to fight for my girlfriend's attention with my other girlfriend or boyfriend I'd love to do a polycule on a trial basis…

85w

I sometimes want to be a dj Because a lot of the people I've been interested in have fucked a dj and regretted it But I'm afraid when I think about how much shit djs get if they're not good…

127w

I've been learning about this thing Performative males Like men who act a certain way around women Men who read in public That's really unfortunate because I like reading But I don't want women to like me So I have to hide my books

44w

I'm afraid of spiders because I'm afraid I'll have to kill again -> VARIATION: I'm afraid of spiders because I swore a vow of pacifism… -> I don't ever want to run into a spider again, because I don't want to kill again…

155w

I don't like animal testing. I'm happy that for the most part we stopped, but I think that we should start testing the effects of alcohol on animals. And then we can answer questions like…

161w

I lie, if somebody accuses you lying, and you told him that you don't lie Then you are lying about lying -> You're telling the truth and someone compliments you for telling the truth, you can be like "Yep" and then you're telling the truth about telling the truth

49w

Smoking a cigarette: A woman smoking a full cigarette is sexy But an almost done cigarette is not So you get less sexy as you smoke a cigarettes

28w

I think the reason that Muslim heaven has 72 virgins is because the person who wrote the Quran thought his favorite woman was a virgin She was like "yeeeah" "Im a virgin" So this guy just went around thinking Virgins know how to arch their backs

46w

Sometimes I consider getting hit by a cop car And collecting the payout

13w

I'm afraid that I'm going to be a repulsive bald person B if I can't keep my hair If I'm losing my hair, I feel like I might lose other things like My Children…

204w

I don't trust chandeliers. I'm afraid of being near chandeliers What if they fall- in love with me I'm a rolling stone, I can't go out with a suspended ornament.…

56w

I don't like that we call them armadillos. Because their arms aren't that big a deal literally means "little armored one, It's interesting that's what they called it…

56w