Closer

20

Question

Ends with ?

5

Exclamation

Ends with !

118

Statement

Ends with .

1

Trailing

Ends with … or —

226

Abrupt

No terminal punctuation

- one year from now, I will be 37x better at getting 1% better.

Deal with it

I'm just saying, if this is the most important lesson we're gonna learn, shouldn't we be able to ask a question after we sing.

The trauma just waterfalls down to the grandchildren

"We introduced our baby to the concept of peek-a-boo first, and he loved it! So we thought hide and seek would be a fun game to play once we felt our baby boy was smart enough"

But my dad wasn't having any of it. He just angrily and calmly pointed out that I was a prude

Listen, I'm not saying I like abortion. What I am saying, is that I will pay for it.

Passive aggressive cactus doesn't want you to feed it; it wants you to live with the irreconcilable guilt of letting a cactus die. There's no recovering from that

And you need the extra motivation to hit the skill

"I made you this quiche; let's make up already" "you fucker. You want me to eat a symbol of your anger and make up?" "well not anymore.."

Then offer people carrots one by one and insist we bite the carrot at the same time. Go through the whole audience until we all bite the carrot at the same time — create this massive carrot sound.

- ADHD is like herpes — natural follow

So I was on the dean's list a few times over

- Apple Notes/Adhd 1

As a person with ADHD, I am an experienced multitasker, which is different from being good at multitasking.

Now getting chicken is a side quest. Stop at the grocery on the way home. The main quest, the goal keeping you going throughout the day is going to sleep

- The mental health material almost never tips into pathos; it stays in comedy because David always finds the structural absurdity (ADHD = herpes; bipolar diagnosis timing = bin Laden hunt)

I want to be a rabbi or a pastor just so I can have hot sex that I have to hide from god

Unless you’re an 1000 year old vampire. Then it’s a pretty big number

What I'm saying is we need racist AI. That's how we make machines more human

"Ay boss here's your new AI ready to go I think probably."

"Yeah it took 2 million liters of water for us to meet, but it was worth it"

- AI 1 — broader AI bit

I want to train an AI model on the esteem files and create the most unethical AI model of them all and then maybe we won't feel so bad using Chai ChiPT.

Pocahontas in a casino

There's no where to run from a vengeful AI girlfriend.

I'm gonna say it was AI.

And they're not even asking as much of their children. We want our kids to give our lives meaning. They just want programs that can crunch numbers.

- **MDCalc as a source of material** is almost entirely untapped; there's a whole world of "medical professional comedy" audience that David is uniquely positioned to perform for

As an adult, I still feel like I'm missing out, but now I know it's not because I'm missing something, it's because I'm too much

I have the high ground.

Either I'm going to get over my allergies or I I'm just going to die.

If anal beads broke, that would suck if you're also ANAL about it

Yeah, sure I want you to start at the beginning...

I've always been in the camp that says Jews should have fun with the fact that the holocaust happened

Because I've never been fast enough to outrun the girls.

I've also mastered this art of making a woman come without making her come.

What if she loves me for who I am and because of how I was raised, I deny myself unconditional love

A rug that you put in an area as opposed to a rug that you put nowhere.

Me vs the elders

Fuck this asking thing is hard.

Like oh.

That's what I thought would happen when I learned a backflip, but instead I just impressed my mother.

And then when you don't do it, the room just fizzles out like "mmm (silence)"

- going down on the street — public innuendo

Can't do that. Baseball also reminds me of my dad

Because that's the only way you know it's not worth refilling the whole tub

you should come out of the closet.

Me personally I believe in my ability to finish the sentence without saying anything interesting.

This might be the most important strategic note in the vault: David has a skill set no other comedian has. The question is structural integration, not material quality.

Walks up to two peoples and go you two

She’s willing to take a coin flip

That's all I got today.

My sperm is going to die in transit because it just doesn’t care for surge pricing

- Bike vasectomy — more biking material

Would you like some syrup with those pancakes that make you forget that I had a tantrum last night

But mostly I read a lot about sex and how it works and it turns out… That books can only teach you where to look and what to expect, but nothing prepares you for intimacy like

I can maim 2 birds with one stone

If you told me that I could sleep with someone and they wouldn't be allowed to sleep with anyone else even after we broke up? I'd do that.

Until then, investors are relishing the new inverse relationship between employee happiness and profits.

and I like them.

Are more beautiful than the most beautiful eyes

But a guy who's name is thrown around that he’s really good

And she said I was too short!

We just shouldn't date while I'm still a cockroach.

If I start enjoying breakdancing, I want you to drink some red bull and throw me off a cliff, and don't give me any red bull so I can't save myself and fly

And glasses (I need them)

So I'm like hey don't talk to me until I've talked to somebody.

1 in 8 Americans Is Californian; I go out and see maybe 64 people on a good day out, so I 8 Californians a day. That's crazy; they're everywhere.

"I'm trying"

the UFOs were real but teenagers we driving and they flew away giggling

I’m a cereal monogamist. I’ve been in relationship after relationship with different cereals

- **Real people as characters**: Everett, people at shows, rabbis — David is comfortable making real people in his life into comic characters

-> which means that sometimes, you can do 3 holy acts at once, charitable acts of oily sex.

- I record every thing you said and think as hard as I can about what you want me to say so you don't get mad at me for saying the wrong thing.

What do you do when you catch your friends cheating? Do you tell people you know? Believe it or not, I can keep a secret. But I wasn't sure I should. So instead of telling the people involved, I just post on Facebook: "I just caught some of my friends cheating… what do I do?" So all my friends are like: who's cheating? Is it my spouse?

I also think dating apps should do bullet matches, 1 minute each. 1 minute for the guy to prove he's not a serial killer and 1 minute for the girl to prove that she's real.

These are my pubes

If she says I don't really like talking about politics I introduce her to my dad and say hey I found the perfect woman for you for me.

"But saying 'merry Christmas' is the same thing" — if you said "merry April 5" instead of "happy birthday David," I'd be upset

Great place. Teaches kids about the real world. Fun games don't win prizes. If you lose; eat some pizza. You can get away with committing fraud.

If I had a cigarette for every time I've quit smoking cigarettes, probably would start right back up.

I don't remember anything from the rest of that day.

I recently moved to LA where they're giving us circus runaways a run for our money, quite literally. I can't afford to live there, and afford a good circus education, unless you count old loose tooth McKinney and his free show under the Santa Monica pier

- The show feedback across multiple notes consistently says: lean into the physical. It's the unique offering.

*Source: Thursday 8-14-25*

My dad doesn't wanna pick me up from the airport.

But a comedian's origin story is far from the point. All of us are tortured not by a single incident but, at the minimum, by our parents and the shitty job they did

And then you give it to me and I'm like I shouldn't be holding this.

But if you put them on the bachelor, and dress up 25 toddlers, that's really good TV imo

"Listen man, we've decided to vote you in as the man. Here's a cool hat, and what you say goes, even if you decided god doesn't hate homos, we'll support you"

I recently purchased a subscription for condoms from Amazon that sends me 36 condoms a month. I'm not sure what's more unrealistic. The idea that I'll fuck 36 times in a month, or that I'll wear a condom even once

someone who carries an umbrella is a pessimist

"Nonono: you call me for drugs. Kvetch to somebody else"

- Jewish mechanic — Israel/problematic opinions energy

A lot of guys will take credit for when a woman comes

That's what's

But I know 5 year old me would be super impressed

And that's why racism exists

- Bartender spit — innuendo misdirect

Sometimes you'll hear about a school teacher sleeping with one of her students and I gotta be honest — what that teacher is doing is wrong. She is essentially ruining the curve for the rest of the class.

You can just watch.

Just yell my name, but in a scary way

But my hope is that you know — it's sad, but he wrote jokes about it which means he's processing it OK

I don't Because I have daddy issues and as soon as you call me daddy, I feel like I'm the problem.

"well my ex was a tattoo artist and he "

Which is half of the battle boys

Now I gotta wash my hands before I use the bathroom AND after

- David the tech worker writing jokes about tech dating products = built-in credibility and irony

*Source: Being insecure as a man*

**Caption:** day 17 / 365 of sharing a new joke every day. 2 today to make up for the ice out yesterday. This joke is more of a NYC joke for the time being. LMK if you hate this one! (or if you love it)

Ugh my wife always calls at the worst times

I don't like it when people can see how much I can unhinge my jaw

- married to an idea — marriage concept

I don't even like football

To measure his penis

I pregamed for this with some therapy today

Do the Goofy voice

I'm like I recommend you get your life together.

You know by flicking a little bit of LSD and his T and just going on a really long hike with him.

—

Robot doctor has illegible handwriting, and that's why we trust it to do medicine

I started ordering Dominos when I'm lazy and my roommate gained 5 lbs. Talk about a Domino's effect

I recently found out that Doctor Strange isn’t a gynecologist.

And I'm honestly kind of afraid to tell people that this is what I did because

And in the 21st century, some have to change their names because it's no longer cool to be named Epstein or Weinstein.

Or to a human, like a giant menthol cigarette

Don't move

or they'll spontaneously cum when they shake my hand

Mostly because my parents were there

he tells them he learned an ancient chinese secret art of coming without coming <- discard

Eulogies would be way better

You’re betting on the mental health of professional athletes. I think that’s worse than me figuring out if I should tackle a dragon.

Well, I don't think she hated it.

—> maybe a bit about how I saw my friends in a run club photo, I looked up the run club, and it was a ladies run club and obviously I’m not gonna go (and another punch

Hugs and kisses

Give me hope. Let me know that there are women out there treating their boys as kings

if you eat pussy and you don't lick your fingers? what is wrong with you. I hope you're fingers fall off

- "Florida man arrested for allegedly throwing a live alligator into Wendy's drive-thru window" — I want this one to be Jewish. We could use the street cred

(Cool thing about that joke is I can make it any time)

if I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking cigarettes, I'd smoke that cigarette

Which brings me to my next point, toys help, and I'm not saying that because you need them, but you think your contractor is gonna take the hardest route to completion

"I think Nikolai vodka is sufficient for the guests, but my homies get Tito's"

Like it's not I mean it can't be quick if I could fall into Quicksand and then Google how to get out of Quicksand and have enough time to figure it out.

Yeah.

- This is a **full show concept** — the runsheet suggests it's been performed as a standalone show

If men could have multiple orgasms, that gap would become a shut out

How did I know he was a Russian orthodox priest? He was wearing a big black robe and he had a beard that said "I cannot be killed." He looked like if Rasputin had diabetes

In Germany they will put you in prison if you draw a swastika. Well in second grade I drew a lot of them because I had this really thick textbook and the only images were of the Nazis. Baller suits, a lot easier [to draw].

I want to get a dog, but I don't know if it's worth the risk. Like what are the odds my dog becomes an Instagram celebrity and gives me a return on my investment?

Because the alternative is a cycle of death and rebirth, of my ego, and their interest in their exes.

And for some reason, one girl has his Social Security number

How I think if you were a worm I would love you even more.

So please please give me back my ick

-> Everyone likes to assume I fucked Lorimer st, but I can’t do that because metropolitan is right there

Do you think if you tell people that you're on your way to therapy, they'll be mean to you because you're in therapy and figure you'll just take care of it there? Or be nice to you because they know you're in therapy?

"No no. No no no. These are all bad options. Old people does not mean the absence of a sex factor"

-> this is why in duck duck goose: the goose chases you. It’s the cocaine

For the toughest marriages on planet earth

It turns out they're not depositories and so I've been taking finasteride and one of the side effects of finasteride is is ED and it's okay because at least now I have an excuse

Some people say that's not a costume

And that's why I'm happy I'm mid.

The harvest was weak so she starved and so did their children.

*Source: Monday 3-2-26*

I don't care if I bomb, I'm having so much fun up here

Jesus is reverse Hitler

Eva Braun's real name was Jenny Cage, the great great great granddaughter of Nicolas Cage.

- Uber quiet mode — transportation/city life

I have hobbies

I don't an embrace that warm

"What do you do for work?" "Publishing"

- is my chest hair pubes? — same opener block

- All source notes live in `Apple Notes/` folder and are linked using `Note Name` format

- Sex and Dating.md, I'm a beginner comedian.md, I'm a guy.md did not exist in vault

People don't want a man unless there is at least one man or woman guarding the man's virginity with an axe.

And boy is it sore

I don't know how I'm going to explain it.

I feel like people look at me and wonder if I slept with a witch who cursed me. Or if I got an STD that contributes to hair growth. Or if I put romaine on my nuts

Like do a Chinese voice.

I'm not horny, I'm just trying to meet my weekly quota

Oh,

No way! He did mine too.

I'm really just a part of it.

- Yeshiva vs Software Engineering — Jewish career expectations

[sketch premise: what if these characters were all together in space?]

- Yeshiva vs Software Engineering — same school experience

- mother in law in law — Jewish dating fears

- **Rabbinical authority as comedy nemesis**: the set-up is always losing the argument but winning the bit

*Source: Friday 12-26-25*

Isn't it interesting that Johnny Bravo sort of modeled today's bachelor? Jacked as fuck, rizzed to the teeth, can literally swing his hips like Elvis, but still lives with his mom?

**Juggling chocolate balls (maybe caramel filled)**

Cuz it's only cool if I'm really juggling something but if I juggle without juggling balls and I just do like this I look like a hands model that's trying to become a magician you know?

It'll look a lot better.

"Oh that's essence of ketamine"

Don't show women anime and tell

- Bowser, Donkey Kong, motorcycles, blue shells, red shells, green shells, magic bullet/torpedo

That's what that last name means.

10. Is this the conversation you've actually had, the one you want to have, or the one you know will never happen? The audience doesn't need to know — but you do, because it changes how you perform the snap back. "Damn, nice ass" after a fantasy reconciliation is devastating. After a real one it's just funny.

Is that better?

I’d rather hear you call your partner a dirty little slut than battle my moral imperative to keep you alive

I've been finding made in China tags on everything I own. Sometimes I get nervous that I'm just gonna find a made in China tag on myself. I kind of knew I was adopted; I just didn't think I was Asian

It worked. I give zero shits about this Venezuela thing

There are men who don't like using condoms but still use mattress protectors

I meant eating ass.

I mean eat **** Yes.

I’m gonna be alone forever

No one man can do it and I'm like, I met one man.

I get turn eh. Not on, not off. Just ehhh

Can your penis do stage acting?

That's someone's wife you're fucking!

We made planes that go so fast they break the sound barrier.

For me, and I imagine other men… when it rains it pours, and when it doesn't there's a drought. Like recently, I made a lot of progress healing from a breakup, and now I'm ready for hot Davey summer. I don't like juggling women, but I do like juggling. I recently ended a fwb situation-ship. I thought a lot about it and wanted to be honest. But like, I ended things in part because I felt like I had options, for a week.

*Source: Tuesday 2-24-26*

The fine line between a nuke and Optimus prime is that transformers were an absolute hit overseas

*Source: Sunday 2-15-26*

Very flirty but gets really serious when doing the brit.

Like a kid who wants to be a doctor from the age of 5, there's a kid who's life long dream is to collect tips for a living and eat bagels and schmear

That’s not even a stereotype that’s just a statistic that I learned from a mathematician who is Jewish?

someone who carries an umbrella is a pessimist

No no that jokes also an hour too fast

I'd date a comic but my penis doesn't work right now and I don't need everyone to know that

But I though that was really kind of him so I said “you can say kike if you wan’t”

Still haven't been able to answer that question.

At least when they're yelling at each other, there's a purpose — when I sing I do it just because I happen to be cleaning my butt hole

Like Eva Brown was bored in the bunker and decided to go "Punch buggy" — and that's why Hitler killed himself

| Age gaps + flies | Uses the analogical structure from Recurring-Themes |

Well, that's kind of the point, isn't it?

I wanted to get nipple piercings myself but instead I got my ears pierced because you know… bad aim

Think about it, NYC ferry jobs have pensions that activate after 25 years. "I've spent 25 years at sea in New York. I've seen things you WOULDN'T believe. Rats with wings that could swim. Escaped monkeys from the Prospect Park zoo, found on small islands in middle of the Hudson. How did they get there?" All in an accent

See we learned a lot about what it meant to be a good Jew. To keep the sabbath, to avoid eating most intelligent animals, to use God as an excuse to get our children to do the dishes. But I don't do any of that. And I love masturbation. Sorry God. So I'm a total heathen by their standards. And it's hard not to think about how when I boof it with a lady, they're winning.

I'm going to come.

Those were my parents. My mom was a reformed rabbi and my dad was a very open minded priest

- Subway Sunday 2-9-25 - strip club / Super Bowl, all-boys school Skype romance

"I'm coming, I'm coming"

Is this funny?

- Stepmom pornography — parents and sex awkwardness

As a kid I didn't want people meeting my parents because I was embarrassed by them. As an adult I love when people meet my parents because it's an explanation for why I am so, so weird.

He's wondering okay who really lost here?

No mess.

I don't understand why some people get mad at a man for staring at a woman's butt. Maybe he just doesn't have photographic memory.

*Source: Saturday 8-3-25*

They say if you want to be less nervous on stage picture the audience naked I'm picturing everybody naked and now that you know that you're the ones who are uncomfortable

I have this huge pimple and for a moment I was kind of like crashing out about it today I was like what do I do like put a cold compresses on like toothpaste like googling like what to do about a pimple everyone just says suck it up and don't like confidence beats a pimple but I'm not a very confident person like I kind of hope she shows up on a date with a bigger pimple and just in case that's not going to happen here's what my strategy is I'm going to see her on my left side and the entire day I'm just going to be like this like I'm going to rest on my cheek like I'm falling in love with her because I probably will I don't even I barely know what she looks like so I I know god owes me one so I hope it's an act goes well

That **** is awesome.

*Source: Saturday 1-10-26*

Hey buddy, have you been tested or you just feel lucky?”

Portals everywhere. In the bathroom like a gloryhole. But also it doesn't have to just be weird sex stuff, it can also be a wholesome moment with someone when you take one of those poops where you also cry

Say that as a man after you have sex you have post nut clarity but I have an incredibly short refractory period so I go back immediately to make a

I've been thinking anbout pretending to be bisexual so people will stop calling me gay

I think some guys say "you look like pee sitting down" to call a man feminine as an insult. But I think a way better insult would be, you look like you can't aim your pee.

But it got weirder when my teacher said, "nice Ron Lemieux costume"

She becomes the person to let you explore all the wonderful things about sex

Alaska

This is the David Mendelovits comic persona in six words: optimistic about outcomes, anxious about deserving them. It explains the condom stockpile, the kegels, the sex books, the Jewish school escape — all preparation for a goodness he hasn't quite let himself receive yet.

*Source: Thursday 2-19-26*

Just think about what it must have been like to be a cuck during covid

This is going really well.

Anyone skeptical just needs to hear me talk for a few minutes and they'll get it

It's a piece of morbid humor: They're dead, they can't take anything with them. Might as well give them a rock!

Don’t run with scissors

I wanna date ana de armas because that's as close as I'll get to the clout a woman has when she dates a football player

Cause I will women feel like

My sexual orientation is based on the last movie trailer I watched.

Maybe he's reasonably afraid of monsters.

And I think that's the bare minimum you can do when watching Schindler's list

I'll see a hottie with a body and think, "You know what? I'm gonna make up with my dad today."

- **His insecurities are the audience's insecurities**: the chest hair, the height, the awkwardness with women — these are universal enough to land, specific enough to be his

- Feedback from coaches/peers consistently says the same thing: integrate the circus skills, tighten the long bits, the physical stuff is the difference-maker

We're looking to rekindle the relationship and then I wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all.

another part of the article talks about maintaining pelvic health and they say that vaginal weights can help the strength of your pelvic floor and this is embarassing but I have a weak pelvic floor. So I went and got some vaginal weights...

Not super big in America, but huge overseas.

one of us has to have a job

I want to have sex on my deathbed because it would be so lovely to make everything weird for my family that's there saying goodbye to me.

- **Mom as audience member**: mom approving of his sex life recurs across multiple bits — sweet, weird, very him

*Source: Sunday 1-25-26*

- return of the jedi -

Something dry ideally.

Sometimes I wish I was just a little bit taller so I could stop being three kids in a trench coat.

"What if I had a small penis?"

I'm getting to the bottom of things.

We **grind** coffee beans, and then do the whole hot water thing.

But you wished to sell more stoves

Naturally.

It's the best thing I've ever written.

Oh, you're eating just spaghetti, yeah, he went solo, he's got his own album, but if you're eating just meatballs, you're just gonna stop with meatballs.

craziest thing about that joke is I actually spelt it right on the first try, making me feel like that joke was hack

We definitely shouldn't be hinting to the average man that if you save enough of it, you can start a business.

Dog missing a leg? Also good?

One time this Oman I was seeing told me to cum inside her and I didn’t because I know that’s exactly what my dad would want

Living in a house is scary because you are on the ground floor

Why are you mad? She is being polite

And that sort of guide me thinking about like what I want to give you as a reflection For my special and I think it’s actually this I think it’s actually just gonna be me talking about other people specials that’s what I’m gonna do before my special. I’m just gonna talk to tell you about my favorite special to say turn off the special and then I can go watch the dice man comes who wants a little actually make you laugh.

Is if you live there

Statistically, gas station sushi will mess you up. But the number itself isn't important. We just know that the risk is TOO HIGH.

That was a lie; there is no woman

I don't even have a biological family.

- Jewish private school tag — sheltered upbringing

So bad.

- You may think I'm tall but I'm only 7'9". Girls on stilts won't swipe right unless you're 8' or taller

So um, I gotta say this quick because my girlfriend is in the bathroom, but:

Just if anybody wants to hang out.

Unironically the music from the new Spiderman movies is great sex music

What a clown, and not in a professional way but in the way that he'll be paying for

I would yell but you know.

Apparently I don't enunciate enough so instead he gave me a brisk.

Uh so I think for now it's still possible.

Kinda hope I can do it before the end of this set.

- Why I can't get hard — performance anxiety theme

"nono, shoot THIS guy, and I'll just in front of the bullet. win-win"

--> my dad he did say: "just hide when we go visit my parents"

I was really drunk

You can't solve sadness with jergen's

[1 Peter 2:11](https://biblehub.com/1_peter/2-11.htm)

Drug usage will go down because we’ll all grow up but it’s OK cause we’ll live forever. We don’t really want to have sex past the age of 200

Is if you live there?

truth will tie you up because you’ve been a bad bad girl

Like he had live life coaching that he unknowingly signed up for

Women aren't traffic cones. You can't stack everyone 3 high and have things work out.

And they kind of turned it into this sensual thing when they realized the prisoners really like this.

"Are you getting ready for a movie marathon?"

I've sold this bad boy to many folk who just needed a break. George bush? He needed a boost to win against Bob Dole.

She doesn't even know what it's like to want to die.

You can say you're from the future because I won't believe you — you can sleep with anybody, but you can't sleep with your mom because that might create a paradox. So that's pretty much it.

I She insisted insisted on being polyamoris. on not being a **** And her response was you don't have to be there.

Sometimes I swipe on the bots just to see if I'm attractive enough to be scammed. But it really hurts when the slaves in scam farms pass up on you. It's been so long I'd take anything, even a mosquito bite

But it's different. Could you imagine tossing a coin into a fountain and the love of your life popped out as a result? I'd be pretty skeptical. But if I'm on tinder, then that means someone like me is on there. So if I'm in a fountain, maybe the love of my life is too.

I just thought she was hot

**Caption:** Day 65 / 365 - debating in my head the feasibility of pausing the challenge. Probably won’t do it but things are tough enough right now that it would make sense to lock in on work and earn a few extra bucks to feel like I’m in a safe enough place to afford the time to get on stage every day. But also, if I ever go all in on comedy, I probably will run into this exact feeling. Wrote something stupid and quick and here we are

I like women (sigh)

"I'm not troubled youth anymore, I'm an abusive adult. And that's allowed!"

They say crime doesn't pay but true crime podcasts pay a lot if you market yourself well for women.

If your turtle manages to run away; maybe he deserves to get away

- waymo ghosts — rideshare material

- Boy starts freaking out, goes flaccid? Says this never happens

Fuck you for actually — seeing me.

Like I want to get in the habit of saying "yes honey" but I don't know how I'm gonna do that if she's wrong all the time

And a ruler

What if a stuntman (or stuntwoman) has a bone to pick with you? They don't mind being on fire

So my stance is that I care not

Losing all charisma and saying you're a virgin and you wanna have sex — that's what I call a virgin hail Mary

"yeah that's mary. she's cool. every life is a miracle"

If a woman has hers stay away!

- She Comes First — Jewish school → sex knowledge pipeline

It would be much shorter otherwise. I've been learning screenwriting and if there is anything I've learned, it's that climax without buildup is just a random tragedy. And not that my first time was a total tragedy. I mean, at least I had a good time.

Is it because my parents divorce was my fault?

I just pretended I was watching TV in the front seat while you smell or not see her

In New York, I either open up the apps and I'm terribly depressed because the number is low, or I want to kms because the number's gone negative

You and your spouse apologize to each other.

You can have negative food in your fridge

I take all my thirst traps in the morning, before breakfast

And once I knew that, you realized I wasn’t narcoleptic

The audience could laugh so hard that I forget I'm alone.

- Apple Notes/Adhd side quests

It’s very feminine. It’s very feminine of my dick. It’s ironic that the most feminine part about me is this.

It's weird but we pregamed the wine tour with wine on the bus.

That's double embarrassing — you're wearing a scarf and you're getting beat up

I think the wolf from the three little piggies ain't got **** on the koala man yeah let's leave it there

I think we should make fun of men for being sluts — like dude you've slept with 12 women this month, are you hungry for attention or something?

Like it's not exactly what I wanted but it's good for me.

- Apple Notes/Women with boyfriends

So I'm happy to be friends with women. It's not the same thing as a relationship, but maybe a friendship with a woman is kind of like microdosing marriage?

- She Comes First — thematic (relationships, men trying to figure it out)

The woman worth suffocating for

So we broke up, but because I had issues with commitment and the words "I love you". Turns out the cat had nothing to do with it

- Apple Notes/Wrestling in high school

This kid who pinned me so quickly, he was one year older than me and I started to think about my revenge

parkour and gymnastics gyms and the only reviews I identify with are those from the little kids who were like "this place lets me do flips! So sick! Has a foam pit. 11/10"

- She Comes First — all-boys school, same biographical arc

She tells me she wants to be able to tell her friends that I was a doctor instead of awkwardly explaining what a medical calculator is.

- Faking orgasms — sexual performance