She Comes First

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I went to an all-boys Jewish private school growing up. Like we didn't have sex ed, right?

Because if we did have sex ed, that means it was the rabbis teaching it and I don't need to know how to push two beds together without waking the kids up. So, you know, I I educated myself.

I read a lot of books about sex. That's why I learned how to read and I read this book called She Comes First Some of you have heard of it.

Any fellows in the audience read this book? No?

No. No?

Okay, so I'm sure you're naturally talented. There's there's actually There's a second book actually.

It's it's called He Comes Next in case you're curious what happens after that and I think soon soon there's going to be a third book. It's called I Come Too because I'm in the corner watching.

Went to an all-boys Jewish private school for 10 years. Terrified of women. Read "She Comes First" to compensate. The librarian knew exactly where it was.

Apple Notes/All boys Jewish private schoolThis file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

So all I knew was boys privates

There we go, there we go.

I think it's really hard to dress in a way that expresses who I am. I don't think I got it right today. Like I'm Jewish, but there's really no way I've been looking at this that you would know that I'm Jewish. Like, I look like you're a mechanic. But also I'm on drugs. Like, yep, I see the problem with your car, you're like a carburetor, it's talking to me.

I'm nervous that like my grandparents, their soccer, they're like Closet-ish Jews in Williamsburg, New York, that if I went to them like this, they would be horrified. They would say something like, we were trying to stay alive until you got married. But that's never going to happen, clearly.

A little bit more on that, I grew up going to an all-Jewish private school. So for nine, 10 years I was separated from women. Explains all of that, right?

Yeah, when I graduated high school, I was terrified of what came next. I hated the way I felt around women. I was always nervous and self-conscious. I didn't know how to even interpret how I felt around them. And I was scared, I was terrified that I would miss out on one of the best parts of life.

So I read a book on how to make a woman come. It's called She Comes First, fellas, and I'm going to read it.

The way I found the book is, you ever go up to a librarian and ask her for help on how to make a woman come? I think the most jarring thing about the whole process is that she didn't have to even look it up on the computer. She's just like, follow me.

And we went down deep into the catacombs of the library where we grew up. They broke in the library. But it was a really, it was one of those old libraries, classy library, where there's a sub-basement. There's a room I'd never been in before.

And she gives me this book, and on it is a cover of a sliced open papaya. Fellas, do you know what that looks like? And I don't know. It says, She Comes First. And I'm just thinking, are you sure?

But I don't want to judge a book by its cover, so I opened it up, and the author, this guy, wrote a book on how to make a woman come. What am I supposed to do if a woman wrote the book? Here's how I, a woman, made a woman come. You're like, oh, I want to do what a woman did. Just pretty much what I do anyway.

A lot of people do specific things to these women. I just eat pussy and hope for the best. I button-mash my way through my love life.

But he opens up the book by saying, listen, I have a PhD in clinical sexology, but I made this book as a practitioner of the art. Yes, I have the book memorized. I still have it. If you want to borrow it, it was worth the late fees.

And I don't know. In that moment, it just inspired so much confidence, because this guy essentially said, hey, listen, I spent 10 years studying sex, but I spent more time in the sack. His wife is still alive. We can go ask her. We can back-check her.

And I don't know if you knew this, but the same guy who wrote a follow-up book called He Comes Next. In case you were wondering what happens after she comes first, I don't understand how he sold his editor on this. Did he just walk into her office one day? Or you ever remember how to make a man come? She's like, I love it. $30,000 worth on my desk next month. He's like, I'll have it to you by end of day tomorrow.

If she comes first is like an encyclopedia. If he comes next is like one of those pamphlets you get in church.

It's so funny, because it's actually foreshadowed as she comes first. There's a pie in the front. There's a small banana in the back. And the cover of He Comes Next is the banana from the back come up to the front.

And listen, I think that's one of the books that you can judge by the cover. I don't think there is a single woman ever who has had to read that book. I read both at the time, because I had not even talked to a woman at the time. How was I supposed to know what kind of information I was going to need?

Of course, there's a third book, like How to Tell You're Straight. I'm pretty sure, guys, I'm pretty sure I was straight by the way, guys. It just took a while to figure that out.

All-boy private school means you only do boys' privates. How's that for maybe something you could say in that bit?

Also, when did you ask the librarian a question? In the 1800s? You should have been killed for just bringing up the idea of women coming.

Is He Comes Next real? That's a real book?

You could say that you opened it up and it was blank.

I would say it ranks itself, but some asshole actually did already write that book.

Jesus was a carpenter. And I will say that the biggest male fan of bucket hats is Woody Allen. So you should use that information to, I don't know, make you continue wearing this book.

Do you have any suggestions for yourself, having just done your set?

- "button-mash my way through my love life" — crowd always responds - The librarian catacombs section is a strong visual — don't rush it - "He Comes Next pamphlet vs encyclopedia" — the papaya/banana cover reveal is the peak, let it breathe - "How to Tell You're Straight" is a strong button - Workshop note: "all-boy private school means you only do boys' privates" — worth trying as an opener tag

- Who bullies their drug dealer — same set, same era (Jewish school → ADHD) - afraid of womenThis file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all. — companion concept - Women with boyfriends — thematic continuation

She comes first is a trilogy other trilogies: star wars: - a new hope - she came and I have hope again - the empire strikes back - boom he came too - return of the jedi -