Hedge

Worst part about being circumcised is walking around knowing I can't undo it

Software is sometimes like comedy. You gotta clown, and then you need to think pragmatically and edit.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWvwig2ijgL/

I think I might be a prude. I can only get off in missionary

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUgRBmdjJP2/

So one of my favorite parts about stand-up specials is the opening.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWQhpibgE6W/

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One of the hardest parts about writing a joke about having a small penis is that

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT8xyWjDFjW/

I started ordering Dominos when I'm lazy and my roommate gained 5 lbs. Talk about a Domino's effect

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW0pndBjeEJ/

Frats get a bad rep. And that's because they are kind of bad.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWBELtVjdQU/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW-79J-CE0i/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW3SorMFN5Q/

Have been thinking about soaking my own ass, but one of the only things that’s stopping me is that we had such

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUrgUgTjJPk/

I'm not one to kiss and tell

A while ago Uber added this feature where you can put your preference that you don't wanna talk to the driver.

I'll call my therapist crying about something

The townspeople like to talk about even if they haven't seen them

I feel like as a Jew, you've gotta mask your horniness in a willingness to procreate.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXJGwlGlLBA/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVvAfBHmaTK/

I recently went to the grocery and discovered Shaq gummies.

I think we’re all too gay for Ryan Gosling.

I don't like condoms

I don't like condoms

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVp44CvAcnZ/

Great place. Teaches kids about the real world. Fun games don't win prizes. If you lose; eat some pizza. You c

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXL13j4Eb1D/

It's crazy that being white comes with privilege. Like somewhere along the line, the narrative became somethin

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWDe8PeE9A4/

Whenever I see a hot person, I wanna be a better man.

A friend of mine is a comic who said that I need more of an edge

I like boobs as much as I liked dragons when I was 10 years old

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWf2a_wDqHc/

If you watch porn you're a cuck

I feel like I have a lot to say about erectile dysfunction

I'm allergic to cats, so when I meet a woman and I find out she has a cat,

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU1mP9glRV2/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVAaJPZAgyH/

If you ask a woman if she's faked an orgasm, the answer is probably yes

I got a new smart watch

So remember when I was in yeshiva — a Rabbi told me an argument in favor of waiting until marriage: if you sle

Isn't it interesting that Johnny Bravo sort of modeled today's bachelor? Jacked as fuck, rizzed to the teeth,

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUMYyuVEUfa/

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I've been thinking about pretending to be bisexual to get a job at a pro DEI corporation.

I was separated from women for 10 years.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWLwn6_gd_U/

Hugh Hefner if he had a mustache:

When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror for the first time that day

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWntPt5gfuh/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVsf7tdDSY9/

I matched with a woman

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTl7SPJD00G/

I want to get a dog, but I don't know if it's worth the risk. Like what are the odds my dog becomes an Instagr

I can hear my neighbors yelling when I'm in my bathroom

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXD_y2DEg5K/

The bigger the penis the harder it is to aim

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVQZgqYiXpP/

I have an opinion about people's opinions on abortion.

Ideas for pants for Acro:

So these are a bunch of dad jokes

So I almost went out with this woman who was a tattoo artist

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW8hCVeEYov/

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https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU6C6l5iFih/

Thank god for autocorrect or I would never be able to spell acquaintance.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXWNttrgoNX/

You can say you're from the future because I won't believe you — you can sleep with anybody, but you can't sle

I get so many ads for valentines day themed things. It's kind of ridiculous that if I don't want to be sad I n

I've been on this AI dating app

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXY1HusDhIG/

I have a foot kink

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUzNo2YADnr/

George started a boxing class and I think that's great… because he has a very punchable face

You think mohels followed their dreams?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV-b1JjjMta/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXeDWebjRga/

I don’t trust Waymo’s

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My ex girlfriend told me she faked all her orgasms, but they were real to me

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTtYZRSgd4V/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXgqmLJICwa/

I've been finding made in China tags on everything I own. Sometimes I get nervous that I'm just gonna find a m

Is there anybody in the audience who does not like vaccines — like you're concerned about the way they're regu

I think in order to get approved for a loan, you should show them your guest bathroom

I have an idea for a pick up line. I'm not sure it'll work

In Judaism, we don’t have the concept of a born again Jew like you have born against Christians

I believe in aliens but am I the only one that thinks they've ding-dong ditched us?

A lot of guys will brag about being able to make a woman come

a friend of a friend can't cum because of anti-depressants and to make girls feel better

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVGxxjnEUYk/

Hi

Tinder is like a wishing well for dating. I toss a compliment and a swipe like I drop a coin into a fountain.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWdaY06DOSM/

I volunteered this Christmas at skid row on 5th & San Pedro.

I never know what's gonna go viral on instagram

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXBz6M_AaNn/

On an AI dating app. It asks "why not?" when you swipe no — which starts to border on therapy. Ends up wanting

Are you an asker or a guesser?

A lot of guys don't call their mom enough.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

At the top of the show, I'm usually very nervous and I was thinking if one of you wants to help me not be so n

Neo Nazis are interesting

So I'm Jewish (surprise) and I'm what my high school rabbis would call 'off the derech' — off the path.

I think we smoke weed too much but we should call it the argument solver and only use it when you fix an argum

Arguing with rabbis about God → arguing with code that won't compile. Structurally identical. Mom still doesn'

I used to spend all day arguing with rabbis

I'm Jewish and I like Israel, but I don't think it's the only option for a homeland

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWI__hEFLcN/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXbbvYzFXZz/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU42r1mDSXm/

My dad was mad when I got my first tattoo

My neighbor came over today and he told me he lost his turtle.

Virginity is a lot like my foreskin

I could travel back in time to see Bill Cosby while he was still on TV playing Dr. Huxtable

Heelies are how I communicate that I am both a good time and an accidental pregnancy

I'm never gonna own a house

My friend told me I should write about the iron dome

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

I've been thinking about going into the sperm industry.

I once got into an argument with my parents about abortion. I was 15 and heard the word a couple of times, and

I saw a homeless person walking around with a sword

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXjldFQjsD1/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV5bBOTlC-6/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUYqrVRDN4l/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

**Sex Ed**

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUG3hogjK7X/

You can take a lift over to Tijuana and buy any sort of boner pill, in any quality or quantity at any pharmacy

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for a long time because I have unrealistic expectations.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXOgtHNlKc4/

Sometimes drivers will get mad at me for biking on the road even if I have a bike lane. I think they just don'

Californians are everywhere which is odd considering we came out west on the 1800s.

I'm such an optimist I purchased an Amazon condom subscription.

I don't get why "crowd pleaser" is a good movie review

So I grew up in this somewhat Jewish family — which means I had to learn a lot about dating on the go. And on

if something isn't funny, can you please fake it?

Portal in New York reopens but I want to see a portal from New York to LA and more portals.

There are 2 types of men

I like talking about statistics but I'm almost positive that every time I say the word 'statistics', every one

I'm interested in true crime not because I like true crime but because it seems like true crime has a monopoly

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUD-YVvCdMg/

I got my first handjob in a New Jersey public park baseball field dugout

I'm really upset about this wife thing

I only eat one cereal for a while. Like I only ate pops for like two years in high school.. and then I ate coo

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWVoGNPClUP/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWYUkZkCSpH/

You guys ever look at someone's butt

The place the Bible says sodomy was invented.

In sixth grade my friend was talking about pornography — and he used the word "pornography" because to an 11-y

When I was in college, a friend asked me to do his business homework for him. I felt weird like I was being ra

I went out with someone

Every men in here has measured his penis, more than once

I think if somebody licks their fingers at the table, you gotta lick your fingers too

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUOGqilDZ-p/

They say you should treat your body.

Loves meeting women with boyfriends. No pressure, get to practice listening, get to be a third wheel, get goss

You can learn the intimate details about me on stage or after sex during pillow talk. Either way it's a 2 drin

Arguing with a rabbi is like a boss battle you know you're going to lose because it's kind of hard to argue a

I have ADHD, but not like your regular ADHD.

A distinct sub-theme that sits at the intersection of relationships and technology. David has written seriousl

So I don’t respect anybody who plays fantasy football

The rabbi, 25 years old and ready to start his life teaching faith

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVnA04SFFE6/

When men get together, they'd rather build a trebuchet than talk

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXRM7k8iFC1/

**Thursday and the Staten Island story**

It's weird that people make fun of women for being sluts

ADHD doesn't go away — it's like herpes. And the comparison keeps going from there.

The talk with my dad was short.

David has a strong instinct for character work, developed through clown training, improv (Groundlings), and st

Okay, hear me out.

I don't get ghosted.

I got a job in real estate accounting software

I think men would be so much healthier if we cried tears equal in volume to the amount that we cum

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWs9gtSEtBV/

In November 2013, the Splash Lab presented "Urinal Dynamics," demonstrating with high-speed experiments that r

People keep accusing me of using chatGPT to send them messages. But really I'm just very thoughtful in the way

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

Because I'm Jewish, I got a lot of friends from high school that have the last names Epstein and Weinstein.

Tonight I met this cute girl

> A bunch of stuff that either qualifies or is close to a one-liner. Compiled from 35+ source files. Source wi

David's comedy persona is built around a specific kind of insecurity: not self-pity, but self-aware absurdity.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVU5e_ljsr8/

What do you guys think about the relationship between spaghetti and meatballs?

I've been staying in this house by myself

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUw3BDVEXcy/

Allergic to cats. When a woman has a cat, have to decide if she's worth giving up air. This spirals into aller

Men love being called the man

Growing up, I went to an all-boys Jewish private school, and for almost nine years, I was completely separated

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU8gi2giAqf/

I want a doctor who takes naps

I'm nothing like Hitler, except I also like to paint, I like hikes, and I occasionally wear my mustache for ye

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUdy59ZDJ8r/

Schindler's List only has 98% on Rotten Tomatoes

It's the exception to the rule: smoking weed is taking the thing you love and killing it with fire

I wrestled in high school

People have been riding this chatGPT hype in 2 ways:

There is a pornstar who goes by Anne Frank

Are you on the apps? I'm on the apps. I love them. Chess.com, lichess, grindr

The "Jew from the Future" persona is one of David's most fully realized characters. The FUTURE megafile is the

A digest of all new writing in the two weeks leading up to Netflix is a Joke. Organized by theme, with develop

The NYC ferry is amazing mostly because once a day, I get to be a pirate. Did you know that every ferry has a

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWik-xCD0a3/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVDCe8ilJPI/

The largest thematic area by note count. David's comedy persona is earnest, horny, slightly chaotic, and deepl

CEO of snoop's smokeless stove was fired for poor sales

If you see a profile on tinder for someone too good to be true, they're a bot

This is David's biggest differentiator as a comedian. He can juggle, do acrobatics, backflips, handstands, and

Dating is awesome and it sucks. For women, I imagine when it rains it pours, and it's always raining. It's rai

The perfect compliment for men:

If you're trying to Netflix and chill

This is one of the most developed thematic pillars in the vault. The material spans childhood, religious schoo

**Murphy's Law**: what can go wrong will go wrong.

It must be crazy hard to get a PhD in sexology. Just staying up all night to study sex.

This article maps the cross-cutting obsessions, structural moves, and signature patterns that appear across th

My experience with threesomes is that one type of three way is waaaay better than the other

Diagnosed with ADHD at 6 → Adderall prescription → basically the school drug dealer. Who bullies their drug de

What if a 2 year old was sentient and asking adult questions while all the other two year olds were talking li

These are the most developed, most promising, and most distinctive concepts across the vault. Ranked loosely b

Horny resume. It's a lot like filling out a resume when you're looking for a job because you NEED one. You're

A deeply personal category with some of the most developed, layered material. ADHD is not just a topic but a l

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVao_yjjwVV/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT0WvvED5lI/

> If you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time y

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 years old

Boeing employees suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

A significant portion of the vault (perhaps 40%+) consists of performance logistics: set maps, show runsheets,

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT_z0E3ga-6/

Having ADHD is great. Even if I'm distractible, my mind works in an interesting way and brings me interesting

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUVoVPCEU9x/

Went 0-19 freshman year of wrestling. Dad watched me get pinned in 25 seconds. Two years later, got revenge on

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 6 makes no sense — a 6-year-old with ADHD is just a regular 6-year-old. The docto

David works in health tech (MDCalc) and has watched the AI boom from inside the industry. This gives him genui

> Auto-generated index of all bit files. Extracted from Apple Notes dated files and topic files.

There are actually another 603

Being raised by immigrants is hard but being raised by people raised by immigrants is pretty messed up too

Parents have not seen their 5 year old in months.

They say actions matter more than intentions, but that's the wrong point to make! You can fuck things up by do

Put my finger in my mouth — it's gonna seem sexual but it's really not — and explain to the crowd that I'm add

ADHD acronym:

I want to be a rabbi or a pastor just so I can have hot sex that I have to hide from god

Age is just a number

Blackface is a thing of the past; makeup is cool and all but why would I paint a black face when I can just us

Fanart used to be easily picked out or at least hard enough to do that I only found it if I was ready to scrol

I tried ghosting my AI girlfriend but I couldn't.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWOEI9MEmyu/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUTEzS9D2sC/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWa8EAcCWLx/

I am an anxious optimist.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTfmjyGFC4Z/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVfrwUGlBk3/

Aang is proof that you can backflip over your problems.

When you learn to backflip everyone assumes you want to do it all the time. And that's frustrating.

Have you heard that sometimes if you're an asshole to them bartenders will spit in your drink

These women in relationships with gay guys.

I can maim 2 birds with one stone

I'm afraid of the L train because sometimes it gets stuck with another train in front of it and I'm afraid I'm

The reverse strip tease

What do you do when you catch your friends cheating? Do you tell people you know? Believe it or not, I can kee

Pole dancers feel no pain. They feel nothing at all. Have you ever seen a robot themed pole act that was almos

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVYDxePiaC4/

A friend of mine recently started doing comedy after a breakup. I thought: this is a great origin story!

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWlHahciYuP/

I like to count my calories

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVKvCJTDcAU/

I got hit when I was a kid

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https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWTAVHeEQDO/

I don't like going to the dentist for the same reason I don't like eating on first dates

I want to work hard so I can become the type of man who deserves to marry a woman he doesn't deserve

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXHAMTvCAgu/

Pro tip for those of you who (whom?) work at an office:

I recently found out that Doctor Strange isn’t a gynecologist.

Here are some excuses to look at the girl's butt

if I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking cigarettes, I'd smoke that cigarette

Because he doesn't realize that you need to build an orgasm like you renovate a house

I've heard that women have less orgasms than men

In Germany they will put you in prison if you draw a swastika. Well in second grade I drew a lot of them becau

Clap it up if you follow girl code or guy code

Sometimes I'll give a woman the ick and a I'll realize-

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT3ych5AizC/

Do you think if you tell people that you're on your way to therapy, they'll be mean to you because you're in t

Golden bachelor casting director reviewing the first round of candidates:

I grew up on goosebumps

Gorilla glue then gorilla tape. What's next?

I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUQhVHHj-kS/

Hitler had a threesome with Eva Braun and a Jewish super model who knew astrophysics and was a virgin. She was

My legs aren’t shaking because I’m nervous

This knowledge base was synthesized from ~2,100 Apple Notes. It maps the major themes, categories, and pattern

I'm so insecure that if you hired a cyber security company to run a penetration test

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT5gUmPiemT/

Any Jews in here?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW50kK3gt8g/

I wanted to be a mechanic but when they found out I was Jewish they said no

Jewish private school

I'm Jewish so

If I smell I'm sorry. That's anxiety sweat. I put on deodorant, but my anxiety is stronger than the deodorant

I lost my virginity to a rabbi

I have a good relationship with my managers because I love kissing ass. Sorry-

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV0N_uMAKnE/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTxoEfcDMWt/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUi7UaFkfxz/

Not that my penis is small

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWyHOrUjhaX/

A lot of us are upset that our taxpayer dollars go to the military industrial complex but without it we wouldn

Comedian who's a mohel on the side.

I’m Jewish, but I can’t date Jewish women.

I'd date a comic but my penis doesn't work right now and I don't need everyone to know that

Every guy notices when a girl has nipple piercings, and I'm sure they know that men are staring at their tits

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV8CH_CARRZ/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV3Jui7Ej4N/

As a kid I didn't want people meeting my parents because I was embarrassed by them. As an adult I love when pe

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVMFGffiguh/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVxjNyugX5L/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUoU8wciccS/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTu9txJDFAb/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUlL-GElXoA/

My senior year of high school: I went to an all boys Jewish private school. I thought it would be a great idea

I've been single for so long my mattress has retained its resale value

There's this Jewish tradition where you put rocks on the your dead relative's headstone

I'm not gay but if you put Ryan Gosling in a film and play the right music, I'll seriously start questioning m

Sometimes I see a thirst trap on social media and I can't help but think classic guy things.

I like to compare my sex life to the career of a French language movie star.

I hope the sex robots look like those coco delivery robots

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUt8MvrlNkI/

I wear a condom out spite for my father

I love the noun "nut"

I went to Staten Island for a rim job

Super

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUBz3j1lVv3/

- I have had so many STDS antibiotics don't work on me anymore

Yeah the elephant in the room: I'm tall.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVR1bJnkUq4/

Superhero music is inspirational, that's why I switched from lofi to Hans Zimmer as sexy time music

I have a clown friend who dated a supermodel

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUbwD6kDVlt/

It takes me a while to cum

I had a threesome with my best friend

From the bible:

The truth will not set you free

Theo Vonn had Tony Robbins on his podcast

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVH4KtoDN3o/

I matched with a trans woman on hinge

It's weird because a lot of people who work there went through the programs.

- Hot nurse is rubbing jelly and an ultrasound wand on some balls

Valentina Gomez running for Secretary of State in Missouri

Losing all charisma and saying you're a virgin and you wanna have sex — that's what I call a virgin hail Mary

The story of how I lost my virginity is mostly exposition.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVdCeWVCQbr/

When I open my phone, I usually check the weather app or my chase bank app; either way, I'm either pleasantly

I had to quit smoking weed

Wet dreams are cool because I wake up as soon as I come.

The audience could follow me on instagram

When I was in college I joined a frat

My toxic trait is that I go out with girls who have cats even though I'm super allergic.

I don't identify with most of the yelp reviews I see on the website