Nostalgia

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> A bunch of stuff that either qualifies or is close to a one-liner. Compiled from 35+ source files. Source wi

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**Thursday and the Staten Island story**

A digest of all new writing in the two weeks leading up to Netflix is a Joke. Organized by theme, with develop

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The bigger the penis the harder it is to aim

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 6 makes no sense — a 6-year-old with ADHD is just a regular 6-year-old. The docto

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I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 years old

I could travel back in time to see Bill Cosby while he was still on TV playing Dr. Huxtable

This article maps the cross-cutting obsessions, structural moves, and signature patterns that appear across th

Diagnosed with ADHD at 6 → Adderall prescription → basically the school drug dealer. Who bullies their drug de

Went 0-19 freshman year of wrestling. Dad watched me get pinned in 25 seconds. Two years later, got revenge on

I got hit when I was a kid

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I recently went to the grocery and discovered Shaq gummies.

Whenever I see a hot person, I wanna be a better man.

I once got into an argument with my parents about abortion. I was 15 and heard the word a couple of times, and

So I almost went out with this woman who was a tattoo artist

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My dad was mad when I got my first tattoo

When I was in college, a friend asked me to do his business homework for him. I felt weird like I was being ra

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The "Jew from the Future" persona is one of David's most fully realized characters. The FUTURE megafile is the

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Having ADHD is great. Even if I'm distractible, my mind works in an interesting way and brings me interesting

I only eat one cereal for a while. Like I only ate pops for like two years in high school.. and then I ate coo

I'm Jewish so

A lot of guys don't call their mom enough.

I volunteered this Christmas at skid row on 5th & San Pedro.

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So these are a bunch of dad jokes

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Because I'm Jewish, I got a lot of friends from high school that have the last names Epstein and Weinstein.

So I don’t respect anybody who plays fantasy football

Sometimes I see a thirst trap on social media and I can't help but think classic guy things.

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CEO of snoop's smokeless stove was fired for poor sales

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My toxic trait is that I go out with girls who have cats even though I'm super allergic.

I wrestled in high school

This is David's biggest differentiator as a comedian. He can juggle, do acrobatics, backflips, handstands, and

The talk with my dad was short.

Every guy notices when a girl has nipple piercings, and I'm sure they know that men are staring at their tits

> If you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time y

I've been on this AI dating app

Fanart used to be easily picked out or at least hard enough to do that I only found it if I was ready to scrol

Boeing employees suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max.

I grew up on goosebumps

My senior year of high school: I went to an all boys Jewish private school. I thought it would be a great idea

There are 2 types of men

I wear a condom out spite for my father

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Allergic to cats. When a woman has a cat, have to decide if she's worth giving up air. This spirals into aller

Arguing with rabbis about God → arguing with code that won't compile. Structurally identical. Mom still doesn'

You can learn the intimate details about me on stage or after sex during pillow talk. Either way it's a 2 drin

Growing up, I went to an all-boys Jewish private school, and for almost nine years, I was completely separated

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I got my first handjob in a New Jersey public park baseball field dugout

I have ADHD, but not like your regular ADHD.

I like boobs as much as I liked dragons when I was 10 years old

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I'm such an optimist I purchased an Amazon condom subscription.

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So I grew up in this somewhat Jewish family — which means I had to learn a lot about dating on the go. And on

I don't like going to the dentist for the same reason I don't like eating on first dates

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I don't get ghosted.

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Heelies are how I communicate that I am both a good time and an accidental pregnancy

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You guys ever look at someone's butt

If you ask a woman if she's faked an orgasm, the answer is probably yes

So I'm Jewish (surprise) and I'm what my high school rabbis would call 'off the derech' — off the path.

As a kid I didn't want people meeting my parents because I was embarrassed by them. As an adult I love when pe

So remember when I was in yeshiva — a Rabbi told me an argument in favor of waiting until marriage: if you sle

Schindler's List only has 98% on Rotten Tomatoes

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**Sex Ed**

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Thank god for autocorrect or I would never be able to spell acquaintance.

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I don’t trust Waymo’s

The audience could follow me on instagram

I used to spend all day arguing with rabbis

These are the most developed, most promising, and most distinctive concepts across the vault. Ranked loosely b

A significant portion of the vault (perhaps 40%+) consists of performance logistics: set maps, show runsheets,

The largest thematic area by note count. David's comedy persona is earnest, horny, slightly chaotic, and deepl

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There are actually another 603

What if a 2 year old was sentient and asking adult questions while all the other two year olds were talking li

Being raised by immigrants is hard but being raised by people raised by immigrants is pretty messed up too

Parents have not seen their 5 year old in months.

ADHD doesn't go away — it's like herpes. And the comparison keeps going from there.

ADHD acronym:

On an AI dating app. It asks "why not?" when you swipe no — which starts to border on therapy. Ends up wanting

Blackface is a thing of the past; makeup is cool and all but why would I paint a black face when I can just us

Software is sometimes like comedy. You gotta clown, and then you need to think pragmatically and edit.

I tried ghosting my AI girlfriend but I couldn't.

People have been riding this chatGPT hype in 2 ways:

Ideas for pants for Acro:

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Have you heard that sometimes if you're an asshole to them bartenders will spit in your drink

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Sometimes drivers will get mad at me for biking on the road even if I have a bike lane. I think they just don'

The townspeople like to talk about even if they haven't seen them

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I don't get why "crowd pleaser" is a good movie review

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I want to work hard so I can become the type of man who deserves to marry a woman he doesn't deserve

Pro tip for those of you who (whom?) work at an office:

I recently found out that Doctor Strange isn’t a gynecologist.

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My ex girlfriend told me she faked all her orgasms, but they were real to me

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I think if somebody licks their fingers at the table, you gotta lick your fingers too

In Germany they will put you in prison if you draw a swastika. Well in second grade I drew a lot of them becau

Sometimes I'll give a woman the ick and a I'll realize-

I'm nothing like Hitler, except I also like to paint, I like hikes, and I occasionally wear my mustache for ye

Hitler had a threesome with Eva Braun and a Jewish super model who knew astrophysics and was a virgin. She was

Hugh Hefner if he had a mustache:

My legs aren’t shaking because I’m nervous

I wanted to be a mechanic but when they found out I was Jewish they said no

Jewish private school

I have a good relationship with my managers because I love kissing ass. Sorry-

I don't like condoms

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It must be crazy hard to get a PhD in sexology. Just staying up all night to study sex.

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I got a job in real estate accounting software

Super

I hope the sex robots look like those coco delivery robots

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So one of my favorite parts about stand-up specials is the opening.

In sixth grade my friend was talking about pornography — and he used the word "pornography" because to an 11-y

It takes me a while to cum

I feel like I have a lot to say about erectile dysfunction

A while ago Uber added this feature where you can put your preference that you don't wanna talk to the driver.

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I went out with someone

Loves meeting women with boyfriends. No pressure, get to practice listening, get to be a third wheel, get goss

Men love being called the man

I have an opinion about people's opinions on abortion.

They say actions matter more than intentions, but that's the wrong point to make! You can fuck things up by do

Put my finger in my mouth — it's gonna seem sexual but it's really not — and explain to the crowd that I'm add

I want to be a rabbi or a pastor just so I can have hot sex that I have to hide from god

Age is just a number

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I saw a homeless person walking around with a sword

There is a pornstar who goes by Anne Frank

Is there anybody in the audience who does not like vaccines — like you're concerned about the way they're regu

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I am an anxious optimist.

Arguing with a rabbi is like a boss battle you know you're going to lose because it's kind of hard to argue a

Are you an asker or a guesser?

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Aang is proof that you can backflip over your problems.

When you learn to backflip everyone assumes you want to do it all the time. And that's frustrating.

I think in order to get approved for a loan, you should show them your guest bathroom

These women in relationships with gay guys.

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I can maim 2 birds with one stone

I have an idea for a pick up line. I'm not sure it'll work

In Judaism, we don’t have the concept of a born again Jew like you have born against Christians

I'm really upset about this wife thing

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I'm afraid of the L train because sometimes it gets stuck with another train in front of it and I'm afraid I'm

The reverse strip tease

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Californians are everywhere which is odd considering we came out west on the 1800s.

I believe in aliens but am I the only one that thinks they've ding-dong ditched us?

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People keep accusing me of using chatGPT to send them messages. But really I'm just very thoughtful in the way

What do you do when you catch your friends cheating? Do you tell people you know? Believe it or not, I can kee

Are you on the apps? I'm on the apps. I love them. Chess.com, lichess, grindr

Great place. Teaches kids about the real world. Fun games don't win prizes. If you lose; eat some pizza. You c

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Pole dancers feel no pain. They feel nothing at all. Have you ever seen a robot themed pole act that was almos

A friend of mine recently started doing comedy after a breakup. I thought: this is a great origin story!

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Okay, hear me out.

The perfect compliment for men:

I don't like condoms

I'll call my therapist crying about something

A lot of guys will brag about being able to make a woman come

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I like to count my calories

It's crazy that being white comes with privilege. Like somewhere along the line, the narrative became somethin

At the top of the show, I'm usually very nervous and I was thinking if one of you wants to help me not be so n

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A friend of mine is a comic who said that I need more of an edge

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Every men in here has measured his penis, more than once

If you're trying to Netflix and chill

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I want a doctor who takes naps

I started ordering Dominos when I'm lazy and my roommate gained 5 lbs. Talk about a Domino's effect

I matched with a woman

Here are some excuses to look at the girl's butt

if something isn't funny, can you please fake it?

a friend of a friend can't cum because of anti-depressants and to make girls feel better

Have been thinking about soaking my own ass, but one of the only things that’s stopping me is that we had such

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I think I might be a prude. I can only get off in missionary

Tonight I met this cute girl

I'm Jewish and I like Israel, but I don't think it's the only option for a homeland

I have a foot kink

if I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking cigarettes, I'd smoke that cigarette

Because he doesn't realize that you need to build an orgasm like you renovate a house

Frats get a bad rep. And that's because they are kind of bad.

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I've heard that women have less orgasms than men

George started a boxing class and I think that's great… because he has a very punchable face

I want to get a dog, but I don't know if it's worth the risk. Like what are the odds my dog becomes an Instagr

Clap it up if you follow girl code or guy code

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Do you think if you tell people that you're on your way to therapy, they'll be mean to you because you're in t

Golden bachelor casting director reviewing the first round of candidates:

Gorilla glue then gorilla tape. What's next?

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I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween

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I'm never gonna own a house

Horny resume. It's a lot like filling out a resume when you're looking for a job because you NEED one. You're

I'm so insecure that if you hired a cyber security company to run a penetration test

My friend told me I should write about the iron dome

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I feel like as a Jew, you've gotta mask your horniness in a willingness to procreate.

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Any Jews in here?

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The rabbi, 25 years old and ready to start his life teaching faith

Isn't it interesting that Johnny Bravo sort of modeled today's bachelor? Jacked as fuck, rizzed to the teeth,

**Murphy's Law**: what can go wrong will go wrong.

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If I smell I'm sorry. That's anxiety sweat. I put on deodorant, but my anxiety is stronger than the deodorant

I'm not one to kiss and tell

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I lost my virginity to a rabbi

I've been finding made in China tags on everything I own. Sometimes I get nervous that I'm just gonna find a m

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I never know what's gonna go viral on instagram

Not that my penis is small

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When men get together, they'd rather build a trebuchet than talk

Dating is awesome and it sucks. For women, I imagine when it rains it pours, and it's always raining. It's rai

A lot of us are upset that our taxpayer dollars go to the military industrial complex but without it we wouldn

Comedian who's a mohel on the side.

You think mohels followed their dreams?

I’m Jewish, but I can’t date Jewish women.

I got a new smart watch

I'd date a comic but my penis doesn't work right now and I don't need everyone to know that

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I can hear my neighbors yelling when I'm in my bathroom

Neo Nazis are interesting

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The NYC ferry is amazing mostly because once a day, I get to be a pirate. Did you know that every ferry has a

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Portal in New York reopens but I want to see a portal from New York to LA and more portals.

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I've been thinking about pretending to be bisexual to get a job at a pro DEI corporation.

If you watch porn you're a cuck

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I've been single for so long my mattress has retained its resale value

There's this Jewish tradition where you put rocks on the your dead relative's headstone

Worst part about being circumcised is walking around knowing I can't undo it

I think we’re all too gay for Ryan Gosling.

I'm not gay but if you put Ryan Gosling in a film and play the right music, I'll seriously start questioning m

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I like to compare my sex life to the career of a French language movie star.

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One of the hardest parts about writing a joke about having a small penis is that

It's the exception to the rule: smoking weed is taking the thing you love and killing it with fire

The place the Bible says sodomy was invented.

What do you guys think about the relationship between spaghetti and meatballs?

I've been thinking about going into the sperm industry.

I've been staying in this house by myself

I love the noun "nut"

I went to Staten Island for a rim job

I like talking about statistics but I'm almost positive that every time I say the word 'statistics', every one

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- I have had so many STDS antibiotics don't work on me anymore

Yeah the elephant in the room: I'm tall.

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Superhero music is inspirational, that's why I switched from lofi to Hans Zimmer as sexy time music

I have a clown friend who dated a supermodel

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I had a threesome with my best friend

I think men would be so much healthier if we cried tears equal in volume to the amount that we cum

From the bible:

The truth will not set you free

Theo Vonn had Tony Robbins on his podcast

My experience with threesomes is that one type of three way is waaaay better than the other

You can take a lift over to Tijuana and buy any sort of boner pill, in any quality or quantity at any pharmacy

Hi

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You can say you're from the future because I won't believe you — you can sleep with anybody, but you can't sle

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If you see a profile on tinder for someone too good to be true, they're a bot

Tinder is like a wishing well for dating. I toss a compliment and a swipe like I drop a coin into a fountain.

I matched with a trans woman on hinge

They say you should treat your body.

It's weird because a lot of people who work there went through the programs.

I'm interested in true crime not because I like true crime but because it seems like true crime has a monopoly

My neighbor came over today and he told me he lost his turtle.

- Hot nurse is rubbing jelly and an ultrasound wand on some balls

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for a long time because I have unrealistic expectations.

In November 2013, the Splash Lab presented "Urinal Dynamics," demonstrating with high-speed experiments that r

Valentina Gomez running for Secretary of State in Missouri

I get so many ads for valentines day themed things. It's kind of ridiculous that if I don't want to be sad I n

Losing all charisma and saying you're a virgin and you wanna have sex — that's what I call a virgin hail Mary

Virginity is a lot like my foreskin

The story of how I lost my virginity is mostly exposition.

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When I open my phone, I usually check the weather app or my chase bank app; either way, I'm either pleasantly

I think we smoke weed too much but we should call it the argument solver and only use it when you fix an argum

I had to quit smoking weed

When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror for the first time that day

Wet dreams are cool because I wake up as soon as I come.

When I was in college I joined a frat

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It's weird that people make fun of women for being sluts

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I was separated from women for 10 years.

I'm allergic to cats, so when I meet a woman and I find out she has a cat,

I don't identify with most of the yelp reviews I see on the website

A deeply personal category with some of the most developed, layered material. ADHD is not just a topic but a l

David works in health tech (MDCalc) and has watched the AI boom from inside the industry. This gives him genui

David has a strong instinct for character work, developed through clown training, improv (Groundlings), and st

A distinct sub-theme that sits at the intersection of relationships and technology. David has written seriousl

This knowledge base was synthesized from ~2,100 Apple Notes. It maps the major themes, categories, and pattern

This is one of the most developed thematic pillars in the vault. The material spans childhood, religious schoo

David's comedy persona is built around a specific kind of insecurity: not self-pity, but self-aware absurdity.

> Auto-generated index of all bit files. Extracted from Apple Notes dated files and topic files.