> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

I recently learned that one cause of physical erectile dysfunction.

Riding your bike more than six hours a week

And this is devastating because not only do I ride my bike so much that I wear a helmet every day and I think some people think that I need to wear the helmet for my own safety even when I'm not on the bike

So if I managed to convince somebody to go out with somebody, they think it sped

I will also not be able to get it up and then if I do, my sperm count is gonna be lower

Source: Monday 8-18-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Does Superman ever have performance Anxiety

Man of steel goes soft

Source: Monday 8-18-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Flavored condoms are an interesting innovation

I wonder what that conversation was like

"We need a better kind of condom"

"Anything. No wrong answers"

"What's a problem we can solve?"

And Trojan's first female hire is like

"Penises taste bad. They do?"

"Okay let's make them grape flavored"

And now blowjobs can taste like medicine

Source: Monday 8-18-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Wearing a condom is responsible

Big mitsvah

Right up there with charity (Tzedakah)

and that's why when I pay an unhoused person for sex, I wear a condom

2 bird with one stone

See how I was both politically correct and offensive there? I'm trying

Source: Monday 8-18-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I got an invite to an orgy recently

And I am not the type

If we go to an orgy, I'm leaving early and not saying goodbye

Together we can Irish goodbye at the gangbang

But I got this invite and I feel like they invited me for the same reason I invited everyone to my comedy shows

Like I don't know who's actually going to show up

I'm so desperate for people to show up, I invited all my exes which,at a comedy shows, would be awkward

But at an orgy

I think that would slap

Real drama

Source: Monday 8-18-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

As a man, it's very hard to fake it

So instead, when it's actually happening, I just play it up

Like I fake my own death

Just like clench my heart.

Alas poor yorick, I knew him well

And I don't think you should think of that as a lie

Because it's based on truth, I've definitely come so hard that I thought I was gonna die

It's honest sometimes I wish I did Because that would be a wonderful way to go out

My fantasy is that I'm found dead naked by the cops

That I'm found by the cops naked still a wreck just so everyone knows how big I could be

And they keep me that way to preserve evidence

And the coroners report says he came so hard he died

And my parents don't press charges because they know that's how I wanted to go last poor rat

And some people think that would be horrifying for a man to die during sex

But I think that would make me feel pretty goood.

I sucked his dick so good he died

Source: Monday 2-2-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Sometimes I get really self-conscious in bed

Like I'll be overthinking

And she'll ask me to spank her

And she's on top like she's doing all the work

Now I gotta do my part

So I'll go to spank her,

but I'll miss

Source: Monday 2-2-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I used to live near this restaurant called "better than sex"

I think that's gotta be a low bar.

Because I'm pretty sure I've done such a bad job at sex in the past that I have literally turned the person into a stranger

Like how bad is bad sex that you can get naked with somebody and in the span of two or three minutes give or take two or three minutes

Turn this person into an absolute stranger

So you're saying this dessert is better than a terrible one night stand

I think the restaurant should have a more specific name

Like better than break up

Like "better than break up sex"

Source: Tuesday 9-9-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I think that they've been a lot of words that have been ruined by sex.

Like juicy the word juicy is dead

Source: Tuesday 9-9-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

A woman once asked me to put a dress on

And I thought

Good deal

Because between the 2 of us,

There was only one dress

Source: Tuesday 9-9-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Whenever I think about sex, I also think about taxes

Because taxes are a certainty

Yeah, I think sense is a lot like taxes.

I think sex is a lot like taxes

I pay an accountant to do both

Source: Tuesday 9-9-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I think as a man when you should make it easy for a woman to say no

So instead of asking, do you want to?

Ask

Would you rather

Or in my case

I don't ask if they wanna have sex

I ask, do you not want to have sex and be a loser?

Source: Monday 11-3-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I don't like when women make fun of men with a small penises

Those guys don't deserve that

Source: Monday 11-3-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I'm a big fan of period sex

Picture it

I dim the lights

Tell you to put a towel down

I leave the room for a moment and I come back

Wearing my pilgrim suit with a buckle hat

And I come back in wearing my pilgrim hat

And nothing. Big fan of period sex

Only time I get to wear my pilgrim hat

It's a great time for roleplay

"I came on the mayflower"

I call her the mayflower

Source: Wednesday 10-29-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I don't understand people who use liquid soap in the shower

Unless they have a loofah

Because if you're using liquid soap in the shower without a loofah

You're wasting soap

And if you don't know how to manage your soap

How are you gonna manage your money?

I noticed she didn't have a loofah

I wouldn't be able to make it work

I don't care how nice your boobs are

You're not actually gonna be able to rinse repeat

I'm actually really particular about my shower etiquette

I think number one in the shower

Whether or not there's somebody in there

You've gotta sing you've got to sing

Are you gonna wash your butt hole and not sing a little Diddy?

And obviously, I'm talking about P Diddy, Sean Co number one track

I wash my ass

I'm not even doing it for any particular reason

Other than I like the feeling

I wipe wipe front to back

And I washed my ass last

And I sing the whole time?

I'm not gonna wait until a finger is in my butt to start singing

Mostly because there never is a finger in my butt

Well, I don't wanna say never

Source: Wednesday 10-29-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

At what point does post clarity revert to pre-nut confusion?

I feel like the lines are blurred

Source: Thursday 11-27-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

For me all sex is role playing

All I need to do is pretend I'm not a fucking weirdo

That's the only way both of us can get off

Source: Sunday 11-30-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

The Bible doesn't say anything about the female orgasm

And I think if it did

Religion might not be going through time right now

Or

Religion might never have become so popular.

The inquisition would have been different:

"Do you accept Jesus Christ into your heart and vow to respectfully acknowledge that women's sexual health is just as important as a man's?"

"No? Then die in the name the god our father of holy Spain"

Source: Thursday 10-23-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

What's more fragile? A female orgasm about to happen or

The male ego

- the answer is both. They both break at the same time

Source: Friday 11-7-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Sex with me is like a game of chess:

I'm gonna protect the queen

Not a lot of people like it

One of us has to go first

Those homeless guys at the park are surprisingly good at it

Source: Friday 11-7-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

You guys ever swipe on hinge with diarrhea?

I regret I said that aloud

Source: Friday 11-7-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I'd give you a reach around if I wasn't

A t-Rex

If you want to cheer yourself up

Picture 2 t-Rex's going at it

And the guy just can't reach

Now picture them in missionary

This should Be sexual for you

"Choke me"

(Act like Dino) "I can't reach"

Source: Friday 8-22-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I feel like the mark of a true comedian

Is if one of your jokes can cause somebody to fight on the way home

Because that's memorable

And that's really important because I'm white

And just a guy

So you are definitely going to forget all of this

So well, I don't want you to get into a fight

And really what I want is for you guys to go home and have the best sex of your life and think oh man I'm really on my game tonight

I really what I want you to think actually is that like wow this sex is really good. It's probably because I saw that comedian tonight and he inspired me to go down on you

Source: Thursday 8-14-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

How do you feel about nipple piercings??

I love nipple piercings

Because I love boobs

It doesn't matter what you put on them

You should put a fake mustache on one,

I'll still know exactly what I'm looking at

Cover the boob halfway

I still like what I'm looking at

Put a drastically on one

I won't feel good about it

But it will turn me on

Source: Thursday 8-14-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

My favorite position in a devil's three way is the advocate

I prefer the devils three way

Because

I get to play the advocate

"The Eiffel Tower isn't a crude sign of objectification- it's a symbol of friendship"

"Has nothing to do with Paris, France. Has everything to do with the relationship between the homie, Paris, and his friend, Francis"

Source: Tuesday 12-9-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I don't understand why some people hope their crush breaks up with their girlfriend so they can have their shot

Whenever I see a girl break up with her man,

I don't feel horny

I feel sad

And I know the 2 aren't mutually exclusive

But

In order for you to have your shot

2 people's lives have been ruined

Is that not enough for you to be a normal person and just go home and masturbate to thoughts about her?

Imagine having a crush on someone in a polycule. 5 partners

Are you okay with 5 people ruining their lives so you have a chance?

Source: Tuesday 12-9-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Some men don't care if a woman cums

But me? I do

Because I'd rather make a woman cum than make her go

Source: Friday 12-26-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

You know what's better than an orgasm? A good night's sleep. And that's why I took a vow of celibacy

Source: Friday 12-26-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Telling people you have performance anxiety is actually an admission

That

You are having sex

Have you ever wondered how to tell people you're having sex without bragging?

Tell them you're going soft and your worried about your relationship

—

I think people expect me to be embarrassed about this

Like I shouldn't say it

Because what woman wants to date someone who goes soft?

But I know, somewhere out there is a type A jewish girl who sees someone with performance anxiety and thinks: "I can fix him"

Source: Performance anxiety and going softThis file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I have opinions

But if I've had sex recently, it's really just one opinion; it's pretty good

Source: Opinions on sexThis file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Smoke a cigarette* I don't mean to brag but I'm afraid of intimacy

And I'm facing that fear (last night night I faced that fear) I had sex

Just to be clear

I had sex

But I'm not bragging

Source: Tuesday 1-6-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

The time I learned I have strong Jewish morals was when I went to Tijuana I went to this strip club called Hong Kong

And if you know what Hong Kong is, you know it wasn't just a strip club

It's a strip club attached to a hotel I totally don't the name of

And it's run by the cartel

And I'd never gotten a lap dance before or been to a strip club for that matter so I was just looking at these women like:

Gosh you're beautiful

And I asked for a lap dance like "you're gorgeous. Do you want to be my first lap dance?"

And she comes over and this guy is like the lady would like you to buy her a drink

And she's giving me this lap dance

And then 20 minutes later; this guy says: 100 dollars for a lap dance

And I'm like:

I thought this was the lap dance

And he's like naw. A lap dance in the private room

And then my friend is like, if you go to the private room she's gonna have sex with you

And she's gotta do that a few times tonight so if you're not gonna, you should let her go. Like if you love something set it free

And I couldn't help but think that if I had her in a room for 20 minutes, I'd just

Let her sleep

But yeah I realized after understanding the cost of sex and how affordable it is

That I would never pay for sex

I would Beg

Source: Saturday 1-10-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I'm on the pill

The hair loss pill

I believe in male birth control

I'm on the pill the hair loss pill, but I wear a condom

I believe in male birth control

As long as it's not a condom.

Give me a pill. Sever my vas deferent

Source: Saturday 1-10-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Sometimes I prefer my housemates have sex louder

Just so I know what I'm hearing

Because for that first moment, this is the first thing I think: "I wonder what that sound is"

Sometimes it sounds like maybe someone's having trouble breathing and I get worried, because suddenly it sounds like 2 people are having trouble breathing

So sometimes It sounds like 4 or 5 people are having trouble breathing

So I won't want to listen, but my brain says, listen for a bit longer just to be sure

So I'll listen for like another minute, -or 2, -maybe 3 if they're having a good time.

And when I moved in, I should have known this would happen because our apartment has an earplug dispenser mounted on the wall

But it's not fair. Why just because they're plugging away do I have to plug my ears?

It was at this point in writing this joke, that I was 100% sure my flat mate was having sex At which point, I put in my headphones, but didn't play any music for about another 30 seconds because it sounded like they were close and then I wouldn't actually need the headphones anymore

—> I don't even need it to be loud, Just use some words. Like "oh fuck me harder" or "wow it's so medium sized" or "I hope David doesn't hear us having sex"

In high school, I shared a wall with my dad and my stepmom, and I heard them have sex, pretty often sometimes, and back then I was pretty upset about the whole thing. Looking back, good for them.

But yeah, as an adult. I don't mind. It's uncomfortable, sure, but I think it's almost always a good thing to hear someone having sex in another room, because that means there are people having sex, and more importantly, They are doing it in a room

Source: Monday 1-5-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I was cleaning up today when my I realized the amount of tissues I've used while masturbating this month is the reason a tree in the rainforest was cut down

And this isn't a joke about how men we jizz sooo much

No. It's a joke about how we're WASTEFUL!

Honestly I know it's gross, but I think men, we need to start cumming in some sham wows or something washable. For the environment.

When I cum I don't want to feel bad about the amazon rainforest. The only thing I want to feel guilty about is how much stepsister role play I watch.

You know what sucks? This makes sense. It would be better for the environment if men came in a rag they washed, but 1. They'd never wash it. 2. They'd just go back to tissues. You can't beat the convenience.

You can't tell men not to touch themselves. It doesn't matter the stakes. If you told men that global warming could be stopped if we just came into a towel, we wouldn't do it!

Source: Saturday 2-8-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I hate when people tell me to "smell their finger" Why would I stop at your finger?

—> I'll smell your hole arm and get so close people think we just got engaged

—> Like I'd stop at smelling it. Gimme a taste?

—> You already made it weird. I don't mind getting weirder. Let me smell your hair

If Something's fishy, I'm going to get to the bottom of things

Source: Saturday 2-8-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I think what's crazy about ED is that it's not in the common male experience.

So many men haver gone from "I'm gonna blow her mind"

To "I will survive this" "I'll give her what she wants so she doesn't leave me"

—> Sex stops being this moment you try to impress someone and then instead you just try to be in the moment.

Source: Saturday 2-8-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

People talk about having sex before marriage and they'll say " You have to test drive the car before you buy it!" But that's not a good analogy, because when you test drive a car, there's another guy there, and he's saying things like "yep hear that? She's purring" Or "If I'm quiet, it's just so you can enjoy the car—ask me anything." Or "Let me show you a few features before we start driving."

—> Some people have the stupidest analogies about pre-marital sex. Like "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Everyone knows the milk isn't free. You gotta spend time with the cow, you gotta romance the cow, you gotta NEVER CALL HER A COW.

Source: Sunday 2-15-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

There are dick jokes that are about size

There are dick jokes about being horny. There's jokes about dicks in the morning versus in the night.

—

There are dick jokes about vaginas? and dick jokes about things that aren't dicks- like

But there aren't dick jokes about - Taxes. I think if you have a big dick, we should tax you more. Then billionaires will have to be okay with larger taxes, because we won't measure your dick. We'll just take you at your word. And every man will opt for larger taxes - Anything below average? You Get some extra deductions - Average? Standard deduction - Anything larger than 6? Hire an accountant, stop opting for the standard deduction, and start itemizing your costs - 8+? Fund schools. Make Bernie sanders proud

Source: Wednesday 1-14-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I recently learned what breakup sex is like

It turns out it's not sex with a referee

I really always thought break up sex would have a referee in their like: "alright break it up break it up"

— she blows me, he blows the whistle, the rest of the team has to break up the break up sex?

Source: Saturday 2-21-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

How do noises canceling headphones works? Are they playing reverse sex noises to cancel them out?

The opposite of sex noises Silence? No no my dad has quiet sex

The sound of abstinence?

Just sounds of restraint: - You hardly know her. - You haven't gotten tested in a month. Don't do it

What is the opposite of sex? My childhood Socks and sandals

The opposite of sex is violence

And I don't want to listen to violence.

I'd rather just listen to them having sex

So I just listen to stand up sets (!)

Source: Saturday 2-21-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I think the time I had sex was like a day ago

But like a day on Mars So like two months

Source: Monday 3-2-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

Our guys will have trouble you know with premature ejaculation in bed

Meanwhile, I'm the opposite I feel like

I can't come sometimes

Like I just take too long to get there

And it's not like I have a problem with that because I have no stamina

Because I'm all out of move

Source: Saturday 8-3-25This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

One of the side effects of propetia is ED and that's ~~cool~~ okay

Because now I have an excuse

Hair loss pills can cause ED

So I've been thinking about getting a doctor's note for ED

Because I've been sleeping with a university professor

—> The doctor's note would read " my dick doesn't work either. My wife hasn't left me"

Source: Monday 2-2-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all., Thursday 2-5-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I took a defensive driving course when I was 18

they say that after you have sex as a man, you'll have post nut clarity

But I have an incredibly short refractory period

So it really only takes a few minutes until I go back to being a fucking dumb dumbass

—-> when I cum, we have a VERY short period of time to make some very important decisions. Like "do we go with the backyard wedding or do we hope that our favorite venue has a last minute cancellation"

I think that's why JFK was ALWAYS cheating on his wife. He needed to constantly be in a state of post nut clarity so he could do president things

Source: Wednesday 2-25-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I think it's pretty much that if you say "not to ___", you're gonna _____, so I like to say things like "not to make you feel awesome.", or "not to strengthen our friendship, but your fly is down"

Source: Sunday 1-18-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I've been muting my crush's instagram stories

So if you don't see me in your story views

Maybe I just didn't get to it yet

I've been trying to be healthier about my boundaries with my urges

And by that I mean I deny they exist

I've also been asking Instagram that they don't show me any onlyfans creators posts

That sucks because some of them are actually really funny these days they've got excellent content strategies

And I really admire the hustle

I had to ask Instagram if they don't show me any posts from Piper Presley

They kinda hurt my solo a little bit

But here's why why I'm doing this

I'm gonna be able to see these people when I see them and then not act like a fucking weirdo

I want to be just a person

I don't wanna run into my crush and be like hey by the way, I've been following your life up close for years now and I feel like I know you

I wouldn't say that, but my eyes would

Source: Thursday 2-19-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I've been having a lot of sex in my dreams

Which sucks because I'm not really getting any rest

I slept 10 hours last night

Why am I so tired right now?

I think it's because in my dream not only did I fuck

I also had like an entire romantic arc

Like my brain is pulling a Jane Austin

Like I had a dream about a girl, I texted recently

And by recently, I mean immediately after Valentine's Day was over because I saw a photo of her with her friends on Valentine's Day

Not my finest moment, I'll admit

I just thought in the moment the fortune favors the bold

And so what if it's only been 11 hours since February 14th

And so in my dream

We're in a hospital together

She might have the flu

But instead of hanging out on the opposite side of the plexiglass

I'm on her side of the glass

And she says "how come you never reached out"

And I'm like I did "I texted you on Sunday"

And she's like oh that was you?

And so that was the moment in my dream when I realized oh maybe she deleted my number

[dream fast forwards... she has an affair with the accountant... divorce... sex addiction... 12 step program...]

And I wake up

All that happens because I sent one text and this person didn't respond

Source: Wednesday 2-18-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

All penises are created equally, but they are not the same

A Christian penis is not the same as a Satanist's penis have a little bit more self-control —> A christian penis is gonna go to hell. But the rest of the body might not, which means in christian heaven, you're gonna be diskless

—> Not all penises are the same. Some actually stay hard- until they bust early.

Source: Tuesday 2-3-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I grew up with bubble tape and that's so convenient because as an adult, I like being tied up

And bubble gum is not just gum

It's also great for

Source: Sunday 1-25-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I think morning sex I would love to have morning sex every morning because I would have no trouble waking up ever I would be so much more productive

Source: Sunday 1-25-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.

I like the idea of being in an open relationship not because I want to watch them have sex

But because I can watch them plot

Source: Sunday 1-25-26This file never made it to this site. There's some truly random shit I write in my notes and I can't share it all.