Louder sex

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Sometimes I wish my roommates had sex louder. Because for the first moment I kind of I'm like wondering what I'm hearing.

Like I hear a sound like it kind of sounds like somebody's having trouble breathing. And then I get worried because all of a sudden it sounds like two people are having trouble breathing and my roommate he doesn't have life alert so it kind of feels like my moral imperative to get involved so I gotta listen for just a little bit longer until I've confirmed it right they're having sex then I listen just for a little bit longer because yeah I can put headphones on right but what if 30 seconds go by they finish I don't need the headphones anymore

Sometimes I prefer my housemates have sex louder

Just so I know what I’m hearing

Because for that first moment, this is the first thing I think: “I wonder what that sound is”

Sometimes it sounds like maybe someone’s having trouble breathing and I get worried, because suddenly it sounds like 2 people are having trouble breathing

So sometimes It sounds like 4 or 5 people are having trouble breathing (Cait: take away the group stuff to make it more surprising)

So I won’t want to listen, but my brain says, listen for a bit longer just to be sure

So I’ll listen for like another minute, -or 2, -maybe 3 if they’re having a good time.

And when I moved in, I should have known this would happen because our apartment has an earplug dispenser mounted on the wall

But it’s not fair. Why just because they’re plugging away do I have to plug my ears?

It was at this point in writing this joke, that I was 100% sure my flat mate was having sex At which point, I put in my headphones, but didn’t play any music for about another 30 seconds because it sounded like they were close and then I wouldn’t actually need the headphones anymore

orig joke^

But with that in mind, I somehow how you get even more worried

Because I’ll hear of a bad creaking, a little bit extra pass and all of a sudden not here like a really loud cough

Like a Weezy cough

—> I don’t even need it to be loud, Just use some words. Like “oh fuck me harder” or “wow it’s so medium sized” or “I hope David doesn’t hear us having sex”

I don’t want you to think I’m weird

I don’t think sex noises are weird and truthfully I don’t mind them. Especially when those sex noises are coming from anybody but my dad.

In high school, I shared a wall with my dad and my stepmom, and I heard them have sex, pretty often sometimes, and back then I was pretty upset about the whole thing. Looking back, good for them.

But yeah, as an adult. I don’t mind. It’s uncomfortable, sure, but I think it’s almost always a good thing to hear someone having sex in another room, because that means there are people having sex, and more importantly, 
They are doing it in a room
 —>what if somebody makes sex noises not doing sex?

Like someone eats cake

I have a friend who eats cake and makes sounds like he has sex “Oh my ffff”

So as gross as it is

Maybe he’s just eating cake in bed

Is it sex?

That’s not clean sure

But neither is eating ass

The least they can do is talk dirty so I know

I’d rather hear you call your partner a dirty little slut than battle my moral imperative to keep you alive