Food

> A bunch of stuff that either qualifies or is close to a one-liner. Compiled from 35+ source files. Source wi

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWik-xCD0a3/

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

The "Jew from the Future" persona is one of David's most fully realized characters. The FUTURE megafile is the

You can learn the intimate details about me on stage or after sex during pillow talk. Either way it's a 2 drin

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

**Murphy's Law**: what can go wrong will go wrong.

A digest of all new writing in the two weeks leading up to Netflix is a Joke. Organized by theme, with develop

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

A significant portion of the vault (perhaps 40%+) consists of performance logistics: set maps, show runsheets,

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

I started ordering Dominos when I'm lazy and my roommate gained 5 lbs. Talk about a Domino's effect

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

I only eat one cereal for a while. Like I only ate pops for like two years in high school.. and then I ate coo

I'm Jewish and I like Israel, but I don't think it's the only option for a homeland

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

Pro tip for those of you who (whom?) work at an office:

I think if somebody licks their fingers at the table, you gotta lick your fingers too

I'm never gonna own a house

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTqHBQWky_j/

I get so many ads for valentines day themed things. It's kind of ridiculous that if I don't want to be sad I n

This is David's biggest differentiator as a comedian. He can juggle, do acrobatics, backflips, handstands, and

Put my finger in my mouth — it's gonna seem sexual but it's really not — and explain to the crowd that I'm add

What do you guys think about the relationship between spaghetti and meatballs?

I like talking about statistics but I'm almost positive that every time I say the word 'statistics', every one

When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror for the first time that day

These are the most developed, most promising, and most distinctive concepts across the vault. Ranked loosely b

This article maps the cross-cutting obsessions, structural moves, and signature patterns that appear across th

I've been on this AI dating app

I have ADHD, but not like your regular ADHD.

The largest thematic area by note count. David's comedy persona is earnest, horny, slightly chaotic, and deepl

**Thursday and the Staten Island story**

Loves meeting women with boyfriends. No pressure, get to practice listening, get to be a third wheel, get goss

Great place. Teaches kids about the real world. Fun games don't win prizes. If you lose; eat some pizza. You c

A friend of mine recently started doing comedy after a breakup. I thought: this is a great origin story!

I like to count my calories

I never know what's gonna go viral on instagram

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVR1bJnkUq4/

> Auto-generated index of all bit files. Extracted from Apple Notes dated files and topic files.

On an AI dating app. It asks "why not?" when you swipe no — which starts to border on therapy. Ends up wanting

Blackface is a thing of the past; makeup is cool and all but why would I paint a black face when I can just us

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVao_yjjwVV/

I don't get why "crowd pleaser" is a good movie review

I wanted to be a mechanic but when they found out I was Jewish they said no

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUG3hogjK7X/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWOEI9MEmyu/

I saw a homeless person walking around with a sword

I think in order to get approved for a loan, you should show them your guest bathroom

I'm such an optimist I purchased an Amazon condom subscription.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXHAMTvCAgu/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUdy59ZDJ8r/

I've been staying in this house by myself

When I open my phone, I usually check the weather app or my chase bank app; either way, I'm either pleasantly

David's comedy persona is built around a specific kind of insecurity: not self-pity, but self-aware absurdity.

Sometimes drivers will get mad at me for biking on the road even if I have a bike lane. I think they just don'

Jewish private school

I have a good relationship with my managers because I love kissing ass. Sorry-

I hope the sex robots look like those coco delivery robots

I have an opinion about people's opinions on abortion.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXL13j4Eb1D/

I don't like going to the dentist for the same reason I don't like eating on first dates

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU8gi2giAqf/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWI__hEFLcN/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVkw95Uldr1/

You guys ever look at someone's butt

If you ask a woman if she's faked an orgasm, the answer is probably yes

So I'm Jewish (surprise) and I'm what my high school rabbis would call 'off the derech' — off the path.

The bigger the penis the harder it is to aim

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVDCe8ilJPI/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVQZgqYiXpP/

The place the Bible says sodomy was invented.

I love the noun "nut"

From the bible:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUMYyuVEUfa/

If you see a profile on tinder for someone too good to be true, they're a bot

I had to quit smoking weed

It's weird that people make fun of women for being sluts

David works in health tech (MDCalc) and has watched the AI boom from inside the industry. This gives him genui

David has a strong instinct for character work, developed through clown training, improv (Groundlings), and st

A distinct sub-theme that sits at the intersection of relationships and technology. David has written seriousl

> Extracted from dated notes. Each section is one bit/idea, separated by ---. Source file noted.

> If you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time y

There are actually another 603

What if a 2 year old was sentient and asking adult questions while all the other two year olds were talking li

Being raised by immigrants is hard but being raised by people raised by immigrants is pretty messed up too

Parents have not seen their 5 year old in months.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 6 makes no sense — a 6-year-old with ADHD is just a regular 6-year-old. The docto

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 years old

ADHD doesn't go away — it's like herpes. And the comparison keeps going from there.

ADHD acronym:

Having ADHD is great. Even if I'm distractible, my mind works in an interesting way and brings me interesting

Software is sometimes like comedy. You gotta clown, and then you need to think pragmatically and edit.

Fanart used to be easily picked out or at least hard enough to do that I only found it if I was ready to scrol

I tried ghosting my AI girlfriend but I couldn't.

People have been riding this chatGPT hype in 2 ways:

Ideas for pants for Acro:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTfmjyGFC4Z/

Have you heard that sometimes if you're an asshole to them bartenders will spit in your drink

Whenever I see a hot person, I wanna be a better man.

Boeing employees suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max.

The townspeople like to talk about even if they haven't seen them

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVsf7tdDSY9/

I could travel back in time to see Bill Cosby while he was still on TV playing Dr. Huxtable

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWTAVHeEQDO/

I want to work hard so I can become the type of man who deserves to marry a woman he doesn't deserve

I recently found out that Doctor Strange isn’t a gynecologist.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTl7SPJD00G/

My ex girlfriend told me she faked all her orgasms, but they were real to me

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTtYZRSgd4V/

In Germany they will put you in prison if you draw a swastika. Well in second grade I drew a lot of them becau

Sometimes I'll give a woman the ick and a I'll realize-

I grew up on goosebumps

I'm nothing like Hitler, except I also like to paint, I like hikes, and I occasionally wear my mustache for ye

Hitler had a threesome with Eva Braun and a Jewish super model who knew astrophysics and was a virgin. She was

Hugh Hefner if he had a mustache:

My legs aren’t shaking because I’m nervous

I'm Jewish so

I don't like condoms

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU6C6l5iFih/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV3Jui7Ej4N/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXRM7k8iFC1/

It must be crazy hard to get a PhD in sexology. Just staying up all night to study sex.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTu9txJDFAb/

My senior year of high school: I went to an all boys Jewish private school. I thought it would be a great idea

I got a job in real estate accounting software

There are 2 types of men

Super

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT_z0E3ga-6/

I wear a condom out spite for my father

So one of my favorite parts about stand-up specials is the opening.

In sixth grade my friend was talking about pornography — and he used the word "pornography" because to an 11-y

It takes me a while to cum

I feel like I have a lot to say about erectile dysfunction

A while ago Uber added this feature where you can put your preference that you don't wanna talk to the driver.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXBz6M_AaNn/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXOgtHNlKc4/

Diagnosed with ADHD at 6 → Adderall prescription → basically the school drug dealer. Who bullies their drug de

I went out with someone

Allergic to cats. When a woman has a cat, have to decide if she's worth giving up air. This spirals into aller

Went 0-19 freshman year of wrestling. Dad watched me get pinned in 25 seconds. Two years later, got revenge on

Arguing with rabbis about God → arguing with code that won't compile. Structurally identical. Mom still doesn'

Men love being called the man

I once got into an argument with my parents about abortion. I was 15 and heard the word a couple of times, and

They say actions matter more than intentions, but that's the wrong point to make! You can fuck things up by do

I want to be a rabbi or a pastor just so I can have hot sex that I have to hide from god

Age is just a number

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWLwn6_gd_U/

Growing up, I went to an all-boys Jewish private school, and for almost nine years, I was completely separated

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUTEzS9D2sC/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWdaY06DOSM/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVvAfBHmaTK/

There is a pornstar who goes by Anne Frank

Is there anybody in the audience who does not like vaccines — like you're concerned about the way they're regu

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWa8EAcCWLx/

I am an anxious optimist.

Arguing with a rabbi is like a boss battle you know you're going to lose because it's kind of hard to argue a

Are you an asker or a guesser?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVfrwUGlBk3/

Aang is proof that you can backflip over your problems.

When you learn to backflip everyone assumes you want to do it all the time. And that's frustrating.

I got my first handjob in a New Jersey public park baseball field dugout

These women in relationships with gay guys.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWvwig2ijgL/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWBELtVjdQU/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWntPt5gfuh/

The talk with my dad was short.

I can maim 2 birds with one stone

I have an idea for a pick up line. I'm not sure it'll work

I like boobs as much as I liked dragons when I was 10 years old

In Judaism, we don’t have the concept of a born again Jew like you have born against Christians

I'm really upset about this wife thing

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW-79J-CE0i/

I'm afraid of the L train because sometimes it gets stuck with another train in front of it and I'm afraid I'm

The reverse strip tease

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXjldFQjsD1/

Californians are everywhere which is odd considering we came out west on the 1800s.

A lot of guys don't call their mom enough.

I believe in aliens but am I the only one that thinks they've ding-dong ditched us?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT0WvvED5lI/

People keep accusing me of using chatGPT to send them messages. But really I'm just very thoughtful in the way

What do you do when you catch your friends cheating? Do you tell people you know? Believe it or not, I can kee

Are you on the apps? I'm on the apps. I love them. Chess.com, lichess, grindr

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVp44CvAcnZ/

I volunteered this Christmas at skid row on 5th & San Pedro.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW0pndBjeEJ/

Pole dancers feel no pain. They feel nothing at all. Have you ever seen a robot themed pole act that was almos

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVYDxePiaC4/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWVoGNPClUP/

Okay, hear me out.

The perfect compliment for men:

I don't like condoms

I'll call my therapist crying about something

A lot of guys will brag about being able to make a woman come

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWlHahciYuP/

It's crazy that being white comes with privilege. Like somewhere along the line, the narrative became somethin

At the top of the show, I'm usually very nervous and I was thinking if one of you wants to help me not be so n

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVKvCJTDcAU/

I got hit when I was a kid

So these are a bunch of dad jokes

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVAaJPZAgyH/

So I almost went out with this woman who was a tattoo artist

A friend of mine is a comic who said that I need more of an edge

So I grew up in this somewhat Jewish family — which means I had to learn a lot about dating on the go. And on

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DULqXQXEYHt/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXY1HusDhIG/

Every men in here has measured his penis, more than once

If you're trying to Netflix and chill

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWf2a_wDqHc/

I want a doctor who takes naps

I matched with a woman

Because I'm Jewish, I got a lot of friends from high school that have the last names Epstein and Weinstein.

Here are some excuses to look at the girl's butt

if something isn't funny, can you please fake it?

a friend of a friend can't cum because of anti-depressants and to make girls feel better

Have been thinking about soaking my own ass, but one of the only things that’s stopping me is that we had such

So I don’t respect anybody who plays fantasy football

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV5bBOTlC-6/

I think I might be a prude. I can only get off in missionary

Tonight I met this cute girl

I have a foot kink

if I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking cigarettes, I'd smoke that cigarette

Because he doesn't realize that you need to build an orgasm like you renovate a house

Frats get a bad rep. And that's because they are kind of bad.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUzNo2YADnr/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVibWQLClfr/

I've heard that women have less orgasms than men

George started a boxing class and I think that's great… because he has a very punchable face

I want to get a dog, but I don't know if it's worth the risk. Like what are the odds my dog becomes an Instagr

I don't get ghosted.

Clap it up if you follow girl code or guy code

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWQhpibgE6W/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT3ych5AizC/

Do you think if you tell people that you're on your way to therapy, they'll be mean to you because you're in t

Golden bachelor casting director reviewing the first round of candidates:

Gorilla glue then gorilla tape. What's next?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUYqrVRDN4l/

I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXgqmLJICwa/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUQhVHHj-kS/

Heelies are how I communicate that I am both a good time and an accidental pregnancy

Horny resume. It's a lot like filling out a resume when you're looking for a job because you NEED one. You're

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW8hCVeEYov/

I'm so insecure that if you hired a cyber security company to run a penetration test

My friend told me I should write about the iron dome

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT5gUmPiemT/

I feel like as a Jew, you've gotta mask your horniness in a willingness to procreate.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWYUkZkCSpH/

Any Jews in here?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW50kK3gt8g/

The rabbi, 25 years old and ready to start his life teaching faith

Isn't it interesting that Johnny Bravo sort of modeled today's bachelor? Jacked as fuck, rizzed to the teeth,

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXbbvYzFXZz/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVGxxjnEUYk/

If I smell I'm sorry. That's anxiety sweat. I put on deodorant, but my anxiety is stronger than the deodorant

I'm not one to kiss and tell

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVnA04SFFE6/

I lost my virginity to a rabbi

I've been finding made in China tags on everything I own. Sometimes I get nervous that I'm just gonna find a m

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTibvfkjSdM/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV0N_uMAKnE/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTxoEfcDMWt/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUi7UaFkfxz/

Not that my penis is small

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWyHOrUjhaX/

When men get together, they'd rather build a trebuchet than talk

Dating is awesome and it sucks. For women, I imagine when it rains it pours, and it's always raining. It's rai

A lot of us are upset that our taxpayer dollars go to the military industrial complex but without it we wouldn

Comedian who's a mohel on the side.

You think mohels followed their dreams?

I’m Jewish, but I can’t date Jewish women.

I got a new smart watch

I'd date a comic but my penis doesn't work right now and I don't need everyone to know that

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT8xyWjDFjW/

I can hear my neighbors yelling when I'm in my bathroom

Neo Nazis are interesting

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXD_y2DEg5K/

Every guy notices when a girl has nipple piercings, and I'm sure they know that men are staring at their tits

The NYC ferry is amazing mostly because once a day, I get to be a pirate. Did you know that every ferry has a

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV8CH_CARRZ/

I recently went to the grocery and discovered Shaq gummies.

As a kid I didn't want people meeting my parents because I was embarrassed by them. As an adult I love when pe

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVMFGffiguh/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV-b1JjjMta/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVxjNyugX5L/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU1mP9glRV2/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUoU8wciccS/

Portal in New York reopens but I want to see a portal from New York to LA and more portals.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUlL-GElXoA/

I've been thinking about pretending to be bisexual to get a job at a pro DEI corporation.

So remember when I was in yeshiva — a Rabbi told me an argument in favor of waiting until marriage: if you sle

If you watch porn you're a cuck

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUgRBmdjJP2/

I've been single for so long my mattress has retained its resale value

There's this Jewish tradition where you put rocks on the your dead relative's headstone

Worst part about being circumcised is walking around knowing I can't undo it

I think we’re all too gay for Ryan Gosling.

I'm not gay but if you put Ryan Gosling in a film and play the right music, I'll seriously start questioning m

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUOGqilDZ-p/

Schindler's List only has 98% on Rotten Tomatoes

Sometimes I see a thirst trap on social media and I can't help but think classic guy things.

**Sex Ed**

I like to compare my sex life to the career of a French language movie star.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVU5e_ljsr8/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU42r1mDSXm/

One of the hardest parts about writing a joke about having a small penis is that

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUt8MvrlNkI/

It's the exception to the rule: smoking weed is taking the thing you love and killing it with fire

CEO of snoop's smokeless stove was fired for poor sales

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXeDWebjRga/

Thank god for autocorrect or I would never be able to spell acquaintance.

I've been thinking about going into the sperm industry.

I went to Staten Island for a rim job

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUBz3j1lVv3/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWDe8PeE9A4/

- I have had so many STDS antibiotics don't work on me anymore

Yeah the elephant in the room: I'm tall.

Superhero music is inspirational, that's why I switched from lofi to Hans Zimmer as sexy time music

I have a clown friend who dated a supermodel

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUbwD6kDVlt/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXTbRdgiZ9I/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXWNttrgoNX/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW3SorMFN5Q/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUVoVPCEU9x/

My dad was mad when I got my first tattoo

I had a threesome with my best friend

I think men would be so much healthier if we cried tears equal in volume to the amount that we cum

The truth will not set you free

Theo Vonn had Tony Robbins on his podcast

My experience with threesomes is that one type of three way is waaaay better than the other

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWs9gtSEtBV/

You can take a lift over to Tijuana and buy any sort of boner pill, in any quality or quantity at any pharmacy

Hi

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVH4KtoDN3o/

You can say you're from the future because I won't believe you — you can sleep with anybody, but you can't sle

Tinder is like a wishing well for dating. I toss a compliment and a swipe like I drop a coin into a fountain.

I matched with a trans woman on hinge

They say you should treat your body.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUw3BDVEXcy/

It's weird because a lot of people who work there went through the programs.

I'm interested in true crime not because I like true crime but because it seems like true crime has a monopoly

My neighbor came over today and he told me he lost his turtle.

- Hot nurse is rubbing jelly and an ultrasound wand on some balls

When I was in college, a friend asked me to do his business homework for him. I felt weird like I was being ra

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be single for a long time because I have unrealistic expectations.

In November 2013, the Splash Lab presented "Urinal Dynamics," demonstrating with high-speed experiments that r

Valentina Gomez running for Secretary of State in Missouri

Losing all charisma and saying you're a virgin and you wanna have sex — that's what I call a virgin hail Mary

Virginity is a lot like my foreskin

The story of how I lost my virginity is mostly exposition.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVdCeWVCQbr/

I don’t trust Waymo’s

I think we smoke weed too much but we should call it the argument solver and only use it when you fix an argum

Wet dreams are cool because I wake up as soon as I come.

The audience could follow me on instagram

When I was in college I joined a frat

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUD-YVvCdMg/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUrgUgTjJPk/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXJGwlGlLBA/

I was separated from women for 10 years.

I'm allergic to cats, so when I meet a woman and I find out she has a cat,

My toxic trait is that I go out with girls who have cats even though I'm super allergic.

I wrestled in high school

I don't identify with most of the yelp reviews I see on the website

I used to spend all day arguing with rabbis

A deeply personal category with some of the most developed, layered material. ADHD is not just a topic but a l

This knowledge base was synthesized from ~2,100 Apple Notes. It maps the major themes, categories, and pattern

This is one of the most developed thematic pillars in the vault. The material spans childhood, religious schoo