Boeing suicide rates stock rally

Boeing employees suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max.

BA stock rallies in the face of what analysts are calling "the greatest workforce reduction since last quarter"

Arlington, VA - In a controversial press conference, Boeing leadership gleefully expresses their remorse for increasing suicide rates among former middle-management.

"Our thoughts and prayers are with the families of all those deceased" said one BA spokesperson, immediately before proceeding with their Bi-weekly earnings report.

"Why waste time paying employees a salary, when you can downsize while also creating a culture of fear? That's what we've done at Boeing. We've found ways to maximize our profits for the second time today, by encouraging all employees to kill themselves"

The room was silent as the spokesperson went on.

"Not everyone we encourage commits, but that's to be expected. What wasn't expected is that we had a remarkable conversion rate of 11%! That's a hefty workforce reduction that ends with more money in investor's pockets"

Economists are upset this new strategy is working. "Public companies used to care about their employees, and this new trend started close to the heart of the country will have long standing effects the markets won't soon forget."

Until then, investors are relishing the new inverse relationship between employee happiness and profits.