dirty talk for the homies

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU8gi2giAqf/

I like dirty talk in bed. Uh mostly because I just I need to get it all out now.

Like I don't want to be seventy **** and just saying disgusting to somebody's puppy. Like get on your fake knees Grotrude.

I don't care about your sciatica. Arch that back.

Show me those skills you learn swallowing all those pills.

anybody else go through that awkward stage of puberty where they become a fucking pervert? Well I never grew out of it

Do you remember those old Klondike commercials? What would you dooo for a Klondike bar? And they were always so sweet and good willed. Like I’d help out around the house, take out the trash. But what would you do you for your first cup of coffee in the morning? I don’t think we’ve given it much thought because it’s so easily accessible. But I’ve literally walked kilometers in Mexico to find good coffee so I could have some tiny sliver of hope before 12PM

I’m a supportive friend. I give the best advice, and I’ve got this meaty shoulder for you to cry on. None of that applies when I’m heartbroken or sad. (“Pff, I’m fine. I’m Fine.. (sobs)*)” For those of you that think that’s how I am after a break-up, sad and snotty. You’re wrong, that’s just me at the end of good will hunting.

My biggest gripe with long plane rides is that’s it’s Russian roulette about whether or not you are pooping on a plane is that I have to go back outside and look people in the eye after what I’ve done. And I never poo on an airplane unless it’s an emergency. But like, if that happened on ground, I’d still put like a few blocks between me and the toilet. There’s not like the poop tube in the sky

Have you seen that some comedians are sharing some road comedy on their patreon? Like dude why don’t you just make an onlyfans?

And if you’re scAred of the onlyfans attention, live a little and let maybe let comedy lead you elsewhere. I mean, think about it. If you sleep with the right pornstar you could get millions impressions. Leave your ego at the door. Oh you don’t want perverts as fans? Have you looked in the mirror?

What feels worse? Matching with a bot on tinder, even finding out after exchanging some messages, or getting duped by an automated LinkedIn message from a recruiter. I thought you thought I had a valuable set of skills, and that you wanted to help me. I was so blind. My friends were right.

So I’ve been playing a lot of chess lately… not because I’m good at it or anything but the only other things that would qualify as games on my phones would be dating apps. I just think I have a better chance learning chess from the beginning than I do finding love on tinder

So I’ve been dating again, and by dating, I mean window shopping.

Does anybody else get those tinder notifications. Like oops you missed a match. What I’m really what I’m hearing is maybe you should lower your standards

I don’t get why so many men aren’t okay with being just friends. Like just friends? It’s like they don’t know the true treasure you find was the friends along the way.

If your homie got bit by a rattlesnack, in the desert, in the dick, would you suck the poison out?

Free range porn: So I used to like porn. Now I love it. But it’s definitely a guilty pleasure. Not because I think my perversion is weird. Because it is! And I’m okay with that. But I’ve met a few pornstars on the road, and well. I’ve learned that the porn industry isn’t so holy. It turns out many porn stars are past victims still recovering from (etc etc). It’s kind of a boner killer in the same way finding out a comedian is actually a sad boi

I once dated a girl (believable) that was very into traditional gender roles. One day, we were at a bar when some hooligan takes my seat when I’m in the bathroom. I came back and you know it’s my seat so I asked him to get up. He didn’t want to so I grabbed my coat and told the girl we should go. She called me a pussy a faggot, a republican. Literally only one of those things is true and I’m a huge Pussy. I’m so stay bc holy pacifistic that I’d rather suck a dick than hurt someone.

If sex is hope to men, it’s a boss battle for women. When a man meets a women, sex inspires hope for the future in such a way that we become blind. Women are much more goal oriented, they pack their bags and actually think through what they’re going to do. Do I pack any extra weapons? How’s my health?

The current economy is amazing. You can make money selling anything on social media. The younger generation has found a way to grab our attention and sell us cool trinkets and things we found on Etsy. Etsy sales are through the roof! So it was only a matter of time until we got a larger corporate essence to sell fund via influencers.

Gun influencer be like: do you want this gun or do you want to double it and pass it on? Or they’ll literally just gift guns. To people. And it’s like every other instagram or TikTok video where there’s music in the background and explosion sound effects but that just doesn’t seem appropriate

Did you hear that more single women own homes than single men? Subs are in right now

I pregamed for this with some therapy today